Conscious Motherhood: Why We Are Afraid Of Having Children

A life 2023
Conscious Motherhood: Why We Are Afraid Of Having Children
Conscious Motherhood: Why We Are Afraid Of Having Children
Anonim

It all starts quite harmlessly: with fantasies about how his name will sound in the context of a middle name, with attempts to figure out how a girl or boy with your features would look like him. Ideally, at some point you start to realize that you know exactly what you want - and this is not a cupcake with a cherry or a weekend in Paris, but a kindergarten in the living room. Perfectly. Worse, if others hint at the biological clock, pregnant girlfriends drive you into depression, and tiny dresses and jeans in children's corners suggest that life is passing by. One way or another, sooner or later you realize: either it's time to start getting ready for the flight, or all other passengers will leave without you. Or worse, your name and surname will be announced over the speakerphone.

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Psychologists talk about two types of motherhood: conscious and neurotic. If with neurotic it is still more or less clear: first I gave birth, then I thought (first I bought it, then I tried it on, first I ate it, then I remembered that everything is familiar on a diet), then in the case of conscious motherhood, which an increasing number of women tend to, everything is not crystal clear at all: it is frightening. As something inevitable, but capable of changing life diametrically and irrevocably.

One friend was beautiful and successful until, having given birth, she stopped having time to wash her hair and paint the roots. The second gained 35 kilograms during pregnancy, and as a result she “dropped” only three and a half. The third was abandoned by the child's father. Whatever the fear: to say goodbye to elastic breasts or stop living as before, it makes some people put off the thought of motherhood for a long time, while others - to fasten and, closing their eyes, throw themselves head down from the cliff into diapers.

American psychologist Virginia Satir, founder of family counseling and author of the book How to Build Yourself and Your Family, believes that fear is inherent in internally lonely people who mistrust life and themselves. Fear pushes a person to self-defense, and funny pictures (life without manicure, laundry 24/7 and no Saturday sleep until noon) - this is it. It is enough to spread all your phobias face up on the table. Psychologists are sure that as soon as a person expresses a willingness to understand what he is afraid of in the present, his previous fear disappears. It turns out that there are no fears, all these are excuses. Satyr rather roughly divided families into "mature" and "problem". The latter devote all their energy to trying to live in such a way that there are no problems at all. The "mature" understand that they cannot do without problems, but they know that every time they will try to find ingenious solutions.

Be a good mother in conditions

frenzied requests to yourself are harder, how to give birth at 45

Our mothers existed in a harsh reality: the dogma "30 is old-born" did not spare almost anyone. It is much easier for us - 40–45 years is no longer considered the maximum childbearing age. Recent advances in reproductive medicine are such that it is no longer necessary to have fallopian tubes or motile sperm for conception, and even experiments to obtain a healthy embryo from a sperm and two eggs have been successful. Medicine works wonders, and biological criteria for a woman's maturity are no longer as important as personal ones. It is more difficult for us to be a good mother in the context of setting multi-tasks and frantic requests to ourselves than to give birth at 45. The British classic of child psychoanalysis Donald Woods Winnicott, in the last century, described the “not good enough mother” complex capable of leading to deep neuroses and breakdowns, the essence of which in an effort to do everything perfectly, without the right to make mistakes. "Not a good enough mother" sits in every screaming, in every spanking, in everyone who is afraid to spend an hour on themselves to epilate or touch up roots.Everyone else just knows how to find ingenious solutions. Having discovered a pregnancy, the first thing to prepare is not the children's bedroom and not the baby's wardrobe, but the head that can generate these decisions.

Being “mature” cannot become “problematic” overnight - and that’s another minus one fear. It is impossible to gain 35 kilograms if it is not in your rules, in principle, to let everything go by itself and you know how to read about gestational diabetes. Thinking girls never make bad mothers. They rather have a chance to hatch from those who, by the birth of a child, are trying to solve a number of issues: with marriage, legalization of relations, age, debts to parents or an internal "good girl". "Problem" is a genetic bud that can be inherited from the parental family, but you can nurture it, allowing it to bloom, or forget it and let it dry out.

In a series of lectures on the BBC and later published in Little Children and Their Mothers, Winnicott says that a good mother is a devoted mother. Moreover, the translation is clearly lame: the "devotee" in the original is "The Ordinary Devoted Mother". Just devoting herself to the child. Half a century ago, the doctor described today's mother in a multitasking environment: “Women are not absorbed by the idea that their duty is to look after children. They play golf, they are completely absorbed in work, they are quite successful in various men's activities: to be irresponsible, to take everything for granted, to waste time on car racing. " But at the time when a woman devotes herself to a child, she fully expresses herself through identification with him.

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In the popular blog on Facebook "Daddy", one and a half thousand likes collected an anecdote about two nurses, one of whom asks: "Who is crying so loudly? Are those the triplets born tonight? " - and the second answers: - "No, it's their father in the corridor …". A man - how he will behave, what he will say and what kind of father he will be - is another cause for concern. If a woman identifies herself with a child and he is for her a way of self-expression, then for a man, fatherhood is the highest degree of love: "I don't understand anything about this, but I love you, so if you want it, then okay." Then, however, it turns out that it is the man who bears the main burden of difficulties, because if a mother needs to reassure a child who does not talk, then a man has to reassure two: both the child and her. It's a little dishonest, because he was promised that nothing would change, everything would be just as cool, it would be possible to sit on the summer veranda together, meet friends, even fly to Berlin for the weekend - after all, we will have a calm child, not so noisy and uncontrollable like others, right? A child will only cement our relationship: nothing that others are too tired to love, are silent where they used to laugh, and hate the sloppiness that they fell in love with - everything will be different for us. The main thing is to want it very much.

“Rebel! Don't become a sheep! Do not join the herd! Do not do everything at the behest! " - to the anthem voiced by Louise Bourguin in the film “Un heureux événement” (in the Russian version - “Sex never happens”), the entire world team of future mothers-first-movers prays in the final of pregnancy. In the same film, an elderly gynecologist gives excellent advice: “Your main enemies are sausages, pates, and also your mother, mother-in-law and everyone around you who have children. Do not listen to anyone - and everything will go well."

Photos: cover photo via Shutterstock

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