I have been walking without a front tooth for nine months now. The dentist calls him twenty-first, I don't call him in any way - he simply does not exist. Once in my childhood I had exactly the same nightmares. The most frequent question that is asked to me by about everyone with whom I communicate: “Where is the tooth? What happened? " The story is sad and uninteresting. I tell you that the milk fell out. In the mood I will say that they knocked out.
It all started thirteen years ago. I was bumped into when I was driving at the circuit. My uncle safely wiped my blood, bought lemonade. I forgot about the tooth for ten years. Then there were glasses, big apples, glasses and my sluggishness - all together led to a dental accident. Under anesthetic and with a severe headache, I crawled to the unfamiliar dentist near the house. The dentist did not understand how I was still alive. The inflammation has reached the nose and adjacent teeth. The doctor generously said: “Well, tomorrow you would definitely not come to me. You would be buried tomorrow."
The operation lasted several hours. In the end, they wiped my face with white napkins, which turned red. They said that for about a year I will walk without a tooth. Ahead is the growth of gums, bone tissue, three stages of the operation and other "joys" of the tooth fairy.
The first three days after the operation, I did not go anywhere. No strength, no desire, no confidence - there was nothing. I was afraid of mirrors. I was glad that in four weeks I was to be given a prosthesis - a butterfly tooth. During the day I had to wear it, and at night I had to take it off, put it in a velvet box - and I was going to eventually hand it over for recycling.
I remember how I smiled and caught the scared look of the lady. Compassion, fear and pity - it was all in him
When it came time to go out for the first time, I cried. I was consumed by a sense of my own inferiority and embarrassment. This went on for four weeks until I was given a false tooth. I asked the sellers for milk, lowering my head and covering my mouth with my hand. She stopped looking people in the eye and smiling broadly. In principle, I stopped smiling. There were many working meetings with new people and long conversations. I came and apologized for missing a tooth. I remember how in the last days of four weeks of toothlessness, I forgot about the "shcherbinka". She smiled and caught the frightened look of the lady. Compassion, fear and pity were all in him.
I couldn't relax with my friends either. I even worried that someone would stop communicating with me. Now it seems ridiculous, but then I could not sleep at night because of this. The feeling of awkwardness did not give rest. For four weeks with the closest ones, we went through all the stages - from denial to accepting my toothlessness. I cried and worried, and my friends trite tried to support with the words: “Very soon this nightmare will end. Wait a couple more weeks. " Of course, this did not calm me down. But no one stopped being friends with me.
Those close to me saw what a hell it was for me. A friend admitted that because of my situation, he is even more afraid to go to the dentist - suddenly he will face the same nightmare. At the end of the long-awaited fourth week, we welcomed a new plastic tooth and made jokes about "kissing with a toothless". Together we were glad that soon I would look the same. Then no one said how I was going to be without a tooth. And even if they did, I would take it for a harsh mockery.
October. Finally they gave me a plastic tooth. He looks so much like my real ones! Yes, I immediately began to feel beautiful. The feeling that she has made her way from a lame to a decent person. I learned to smile again. The only thing is that it has become very uncomfortable to eat. With any bite, the tooth fell out. I also managed to postpone the second stage of the operation for two months - I was afraid of pain and memories. By the way, I still have dreams about teeth. Various nightmares, everywhere it hurts, everywhere it is scary.
March. The gums were cut again.The dentist took the butterfly tooth and said that I would have to walk for a month without it. The next day I had a job in an office with sixty people. A story from the past was repeated: I come and talk in embarrassment, covering my mouth with my hand and not looking people in the eyes.
I still don't understand how, but abruptly, one day I felt terrible fatigue. I'm tired of hiding. I remember my thoughts: maybe someone will accept me humanly? After all, it's not for nothing that they teach in childhood: the main thing is what kind of person is inside. There was a click in me that day. I allowed myself to smile. Once I was walking through the city. They honked me from the car, like in a cheap ugly movie. I smiled a wide smile, the man looked at me and got scared - he pressed the gas and drove away. This has become my favorite pastime: exposing my gums and observing the wild transformation. The person loses balance, and then either glances with fear, or nods approvingly.
One friend decided that I pulled out a tooth on purpose - so much, according to her, suits me
Every day in different forms, from reverently tactful to boorish and mocking, they ask me about the tooth. Recently, a photographer of a porn magazine stopped me on the street with a request to pose for publication. I smiled, but for some reason he felt embarrassed. He excused himself and ran away. Three months ago, I voluntarily gave up a plastic tooth and during this time I learned to accept any reaction. She ceased to be ashamed of her appearance and even found beauty in her. After that, she began to receive compliments and an amazing reaction: "I would not be able to walk like that, you are so great!" The flaw that I carry with me has become a kind of identification mark.
Some of my friends insist that I do not have a permanent tooth. One friend decided that I pulled it out for myself - so much, according to her, suits me. At the same time, my parents are worried that I go without a tooth. Mom called me and with concern in her voice asked me to put on a plastic one: “Understand, a girl must be beautiful. I cannot look at you without pain."
The most unpleasant situation happened recently. At the party, a photographer came up to me: "Oh, it didn't seem to me, you are without a tooth!" - he is delighted to photograph me, having previously asked to smile. A photo report comes out, and there I am with a tooth. They photographed it to me. And if I were without an arm, would they sew it to me? It upset me a lot. I learned to accept myself after six months of toothlessness, and it was not easy - although now, seeing my smile, you will never say that it was the cause of complexes and self-doubt. And the photographer inserts a tooth in my photoshop and writes: “It suits you with a tooth. I probably inserted it on a subconscious level. I didn't know how important it was to you."
I don't know if he should have thought for me? We say, "Be natural, appreciate yourself." But in fact, the story of self-love is about the connection of an individual person with society as a whole. You can talk about the support of the environment and love for yourself, but it’s impossible to the end, while your teeth are inserted without asking in Photoshop.
Soon the third stage of the operation. I will have a permanent front tooth inserted, but I won't feel any prettier from it. The point is not in the tooth, as it turned out. The essence is in the ability to accept yourself - in the form that has been your biggest nightmare since childhood.
Photos: alexsivtsova / instagram