Hosting Is Not Fair: How Those Who Are Ignored Without Explanation Feel

A life 2023

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Hosting Is Not Fair: How Those Who Are Ignored Without Explanation Feel
Hosting Is Not Fair: How Those Who Are Ignored Without Explanation Feel

Video: Hosting Is Not Fair: How Those Who Are Ignored Without Explanation Feel

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Video: The Psychological Effects of Feeling Excluded 2023, January

Natasha Fedorenko

IMAGINE THAT YOU WERE GOING ON A DATE, IT WAS BORING, THE TALK DIDN'T GO, and still the person writes, calls and offers to meet again. In this situation, you can act politely and explain why you no longer want to communicate - although it is not clear what kind of reaction you will meet. Or you can simply not answer - anyway it will end sooner or later. If not, there is always a Black List.

This behavior is called "ghosting" from the English ghost - "ghost". Visitors, it seems, are all: passions after a date, annoying friends, almost constant partners and even parents. So, you will never guess whether you are going to be a guest today - or whether they will miss you. We figure out why we so often avoid explaining how people who are victims of someone else's silence feel, and in what cases moderate hosting can be useful.


I met a guy at a bar, we went on a couple of dates. He gave me flowers, once even met me from the station and dragged my suitcase. In general, I was completely confident that he liked me. We had sex, met several times a week. He introduced me to his friends, always took the initiative - he invited me to a bar or a movie. And suddenly, after a month and a half, he disappeared and stopped responding to messages for no apparent reason.


A week before that, he wrote that he had a blockage at work and he could not meet on weekdays. I reacted normally, I thought we were going somewhere on the weekend. On Friday, I wrote to him myself to find out how he was doing and what happened with the weekend. He replied dryly that he didn't know yet. After that, he stopped responding to messages and never wrote again. Most likely, he no longer wanted to see each other, but was afraid to say it directly.

We did not have any serious relationship, therefore, I also had strong experiences. I just felt strange and did not fully understand what was happening. I didn't blame myself. Well, maybe only in the fact that after a few more times she wrote to him drunk in the style: "What are you, dog?" By the way, I still have him as a friend on Facebook and looks at my stories on Instagram.

I myself have never visited anyone and I consider it unethical. I understand that in this way people try to avoid drama and the need to answer unpleasant questions. But it's one thing to visit a stalker - and quite another when you do this to a person with whom you have communicated or had sex. It's just not fair.


I was visited twice. We saw one of the guys a couple of times and, apparently, should have started dating. But then he began to ignore me disgustingly: he did not write, did not call, did not answer messages. It happened because of my weight - I found out that this was what confused him. In the end, however, we still started dating: for the sake of him I lost twelve kilograms, but I felt unhappy. The second time I was ignored by a guy with whom, as it seemed to me, we had an affair at first sight. For about a week we kissed, swore to each other in love, and then he just disappeared, without really explaining anything.

In both cases, I blamed myself and felt an eerie emptiness and loneliness. I could not sleep, thinking at what moment I misbehaved. Hosting is awful. It's unpleasant when, instead of even the most offensive conversation, a person chooses to ignore you. I think ghosting is only acceptable when it comes to someone who could be potentially dangerous. But personally, I have never visited anyone, not even a former partner who threatened me with physical harm - it seems to me that everyone is worthy of an explanation.


Once I was visiting a very nice guy: we went on a date, I liked him as a friend, so I agreed to a second meeting. It became clear that he was counting on something more, but I was not. Then I did not find the strength to tell him directly - I was afraid to hurt his feelings.He called me to concerts, dates, and I just did not respond to messages. Then karma finally overtook me: a guy who liked me began to visit me, and I realized how unpleasant it is when you are ignored: I felt like an abandoned toy. Since then, I have promised myself not to do this to anyone else.


Before that, I was also visited: after the first or second date, the guys stopped communicating. I was very young, I thought I could find the reason for this behavior. I read websites and forums about relationships - I picked up the most incredible excuses. I think that in such a situation, the main thing is not to look for reasons - you are simply not interesting to a person. At first I blamed myself, but then I stopped. The next time I met a guy I wanted to treat, I decided not to. He hinted at a serious relationship, but I thanked for the meeting and said that I was ready to be friends, but not to date. I don't know how he felt, but he reacted in a friendly way.

I used to have a friend who constantly complained about life and was generally very toxic, using me as a vest for tears. For a long time I tried to help her, but nothing worked. She didn't appreciate my efforts, so I just started to visit her; it seems that over time she realized that it happened for a reason. Now we communicate, but as acquaintances. I do not regret this decision: of course, hosting is unpleasant, but sometimes there may be no other choice.


This girl was a model - I was subscribed to her social networks and saw a post that she came to Moscow. My relationship just ended and I wanted something uncomplicated. I wrote to her - she invited me for a walk. We met, talked a lot, walked around Moscow almost until morning. The girl was very friendly and I saw no sign that she was not liking anything. Then I ordered a taxi, hugged her - I thought she was happy with everything, but perhaps I did not recognize the signals. I walked her home, but she did not invite me to her place.

An hour later, she wrote: she apologized and offered to meet when I was in St. Petersburg, where she lives. A couple of days later, I wrote to her myself - she reacted a week later, and then disappeared altogether. A month later, I arrived in St. Petersburg, called her - she did not pick up the phone and sent me to the black list on VKontakte. I don’t understand why it was impossible to explain that she simply didn’t want to communicate with me. I think the fact is that there are a lot of people like me in her life - many people liked her and just wasted her time rationally. I went to bed, woke up and that's it - I was no longer in her life.

I myself, when I want a one-night relationship, try to articulate it as clearly as possible at the very beginning. Sometimes girls do not understand this, but then I repeat again. Although a couple of times it happened that in the end I just merged, referring to being busy or lack of time, and then did not answer. But in such a way as to disappear altogether - no, this is completely bestial.


I do ghosting often, usually after meeting young people who are not romantically interesting to me. For me, becoming invisible is the easiest way to make it clear that nothing else will happen, verified by personal experience. Previously, I tried to explain and faced a bunch of questions: many could not calm down, they found out the details. As a result, I got the feeling that this way I offend everyone only more. Plus, some people think that if you keep answering, then it means you are still interested - although in fact this is the usual politeness. Sometimes I was ashamed of such behavior if I met with one of these people in common companies. But I'm not sure that if we had parted differently, they would have looked at me more friendly.


What I am really ashamed of is the occasional guesting of one friend: she is a good person, but, unfortunately, I cannot communicate with her as much as she wants. I can't reply to all the messages that are pouring in on me like out of a bag, so sometimes I disappear for a week or so.She constantly wants to know what I am doing or where I am going. No problem, I can talk about it when I meet, but constantly reporting to a person is strange. Previously, it offended her, but then I explained the situation, and she seemed to understand. At the same time, we have been friends for over fifteen years.

Earlier, I visited my own parents. The fact is that as soon as it seems to me that someone is trying to control me, I withdraw and try to escape. So from time to time I could not answer their calls and messages for a whole week - apparently, it was something in the spirit of a belated teenage rebellion. I don’t know how correct it was to ignore them, but sometimes disappearing is easier than explaining what doesn’t suit you.

Daria Grosheva


Honest conversation is scary because it involves the reaction of the interlocutor who hears something unpleasant. It is not known what will happen next - whether the person will be angry or upset, and then what to do with it. Moreover, such avoidance allows you to supplant your own feelings, but honest conversation does not. Whether you want it or not, when the other responds emotionally, then you are also involved. Of course, everyone is scared of their own. Someone - anger, someone - tears (because if they cry because of your fault, you seem to be a sadist), someone, on the contrary, is indifference that you do not want to face. Therefore, avoiding and disappearing is a tempting opportunity to get by with a little blood.

You will not be able to wean yourself from ghosting, you can only conduct honest dialogues with yourself and ask yourself questions: “What is terrible will happen in this conversation for me?”, “How can I cope with this?”, “If the worst happens, how can I will I react? " And those with whom they did this should remember that if a person decided to disappear, then this is his choice, and he is connected with his own experiences. However, all the same it is terribly unpleasant, because the unknown is worse even than the feeling of one's own guilt.

True, sometimes disappearance is indeed the only way to end a relationship. For example, in dependent and codependent relationships, when there is no way to break the bond, which hurts both partners. Someone alone can say goodbye, delete the number and never answer or come again. It will be better than parting gradually.

Photos: Tribe of the Haze, Luella, Punky Pins, Magic Circle, Rotofugi

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