“I Don’t Degrade, I Don’t Turn Into Furniture”: Housewives Talk About Their Life

A life 2023

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“I Don’t Degrade, I Don’t Turn Into Furniture”: Housewives Talk About Their Life
“I Don’t Degrade, I Don’t Turn Into Furniture”: Housewives Talk About Their Life
Video: “I Don’t Degrade, I Don’t Turn Into Furniture”: Housewives Talk About Their Life
Video: Sutton Demands an Apology From Crystal | RHOBH Highlight (S11 E8) 2023, February
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the reverse side of emancipation unexpectedly turned out condescending attitude towards women who have devoted themselves to home and children - sometimes they are considered victims of patriarchy and "failed personalities." However, the role of a housewife is the same life choice, worthy of respect, like any other. We talked with housewives about why they refused official work, how their everyday life is arranged and whether they are satisfied with the state of affairs.

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Yulia Dudkina

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Helena

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About nine years ago, I gave birth to a child and went on maternity leave. I decided to return to work pretty quickly - just a year later. We found a nanny, left her with our daughter, first for an hour, then for a couple of hours - we prepared for the fact that soon we would not be at home all day. Everything went well, but then the nanny had trouble in the family, and she had to leave for another city. My daughter categorically did not like the new nanny - she started crying and hysterics. In addition, at work, I myself yearned for the child. I felt unhappy - I sat, pasted over the computer with gummy bears and thought: I have a daughter, but I don't spend time with her. Why then all this?

There was another problem as well. It turned out that I was a very bad manager - I could not simultaneously solve work issues, look after the nanny and the au pair. Without my control, they tried to do things their own way - not at all as I asked. Everything fell out of hand, and life became very difficult.

In the end, I decided: in a good scenario, I will live 80-90 years. Can't I spend ten of them on a house and a child? So I became a housewife. By that time, my husband and I had long had a joint budget and a bank account to which our cards were tied. Before making large purchases, we always consulted with each other. In this regard, nothing has changed - we, as before, are planning expenses together.

My husband took my decision calmly. If he was dissatisfied with something, he said nothing. But the mother-in-law was indignant - she said that I sat on the neck of her son. Even now, nine years later, she periodically asks me: "Lena, do you think about going to work?" But during this time I managed to give birth to my second child, so I think I will remain a housewife for some time. Over the years, I've learned to ignore my mother-in-law's words.

I like being a housewife. Probably, if I spent whole days only with children and cooking, I would have lost my mind. But, fortunately, I can always send the children to my grandmother and go to the theater with my friends or have a drink. The cleaner still helps me with cleaning, but I take care of the children and food myself. I don't have much free time, but I can still devote a few hours to myself before noon. Usually I spend them on my hobby - I sculpt from porcelain. At noon I cook dinner, then I pick up the children from kindergarten and school, take them to the circles. In the evening I do my homework with them and by nine o'clock I am already on my feet from fatigue. I don't know how women live, who, in addition to all this, also manage to work. Although, maybe it’s something wrong with me, since I’m not enough for everything at once.

The husband earns enough - we are not in poverty. In addition, we have real estate. If anything, we won't have to starve. Of course, I know that sometimes people get divorced, and I am not immune from this. But I have family and friends, and my husband and I acquired all the property in marriage. If I can find a good lawyer, I’m unlikely to be left behind.

I don't think I will always be a housewife. When the children grow up, I will decide where to go next. But today everything suits me. Everyone has different values, different characters. I admire women who are building successful careers and at the same time taking care of children.It just turned out that it didn't suit me. I made my choice and do not regret it.

Irina

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Once upon a time I had no intention of getting married and having children. But it turned out that during my studies I met a person whom I fell in love with. We got married, and then he was offered a job in China. I decided to move with him. To continue my studies, I transferred to the correspondence department, but never received my diploma. Our child was born, and then we moved again - now to the USA. I completely devoted myself to my son, because here we had no relatives or friends who could look after him or help around the house. It would be expensive to hire a nanny, and it was psychologically difficult for me to leave the baby to a stranger.

For several years it was quite difficult for me: there was little time for myself, it was not always possible to even go to the shower. In addition, like many young mothers, I found myself in social isolation. It was felt even more sharply abroad. The hardest thing for me was the thought that I was not developing in a career plan. The husband worked, achieved something. I only dealt with everyday issues, was engaged in serving my relatives. Sometimes I just felt like nothing.

My husband tried very hard to support me. I understood that I was dependent on him financially, but he himself never hinted at this. I have a separate bank account, and I never report what I spent my money on. He would be glad if I found a business to my liking, but we never had a question of money.

In emigrant families, it often happens that one person is dependent on another. Sometimes relationships fall apart because of this. But my husband and I are one team, and I do not regret anything. We come from a depressed region. If I refused to emigrate, I would most likely work as a speech therapist in a boarding school or kindergarten. But I made the decision to rely on my husband, it allowed me to see the world. Now my son is already three years old, and he went to kindergarten. I finally had some free time and started teaching piano on weekends.

On the Internet, I often see discussions where housewives are criticized. They are called "appendages to the husband", "mothers". This is very annoying. Yes, someone thinks the way I disposed of my life was wrong. I am in a vulnerable position and I am aware of this. If my husband and I suddenly broke up right now, I would not even have enough money to buy an air ticket to my homeland.

But that doesn't make me a bad person. I do not degrade, I do not turn into furniture. In three years I have matured and changed a lot. You can continue to develop even if you don't have a job. I learned a bit about code and photography. Maybe in the future I will go to college and learn a new profession. Of course, when you have been dealing with home and your child for several years, then it is difficult to change something. It's like you are in a small swamp - you are warm and comfortable, but somehow boring. On the other hand, getting out of this swamp is scary and cold.

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Nataliya

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My husband and I met when I was only eighteen years old, I went to college and studied to be a veterinarian. Gradually, I began to understand that I could not cope with this profession. Once the teacher decided to show us how different stages of anesthesia work, and right in front of our eyes he killed a puppy. It was really stressful for me. I could not arrange any protest: the teacher was a respected professional and any protest against him would be meaningless. I began to sink into depression. I stopped going to college, lay on the bed all day. I tried to sleep until my husband got home from work.

At that moment, I did not understand that I was depressed, and tried to cope with this condition on my own. When I got a little better, I tried to enter another university. But even there it didn't work out for me. Trying to find some landmarks in my life, I went to the Orthodox Church. Under the influence of priests and parishioners, she gave birth to a child.Already now I understand that it was very stupid to have a child while being depressed. If before I had very little internal resource, now it is not left at all.

It turned out to be very difficult to arrange the child in the garden due to asthma and allergies. He came home with a rash and wheezing in his chest, and then it turned out that after class the psychologist was treating everyone with some sweets. As a result, I became a housewife for five years. When the child's health still got better, I tried to send him back to kindergarten and go to work. I have no specialty, so I had to get a job in a store. But the son was periodically ill, and the husband took sick leave to stay with him at home. We calculated and realized that financially everything was much better when I was at home. So I quit. At the same time, we decided to have a second child - since I decided to stay a housewife, why not?

Once my close friend separated from her husband, and we decided to move in together to help each other. A friend works, and she also has a son. So now I have three children in my care. Sometimes sad thoughts come to me: my husband is noticeably older than me. What will I do if something happens to him and I don't have a source of income? But I think my friend and I will not leave each other. In addition, there is also a mother with her own real estate. As a last resort, we will start living with my mother and sell one of the apartments.

I know that some women judge me. But I accepted myself as a housewife. If now I go to work without education and experience, I will receive 25-30 thousand rubles a month. You can't hire a nanny with this money. And looking after three children and working at the same time is completely unrealistic. I can't say that being a housewife is easy. I wash, clean, cook. It happens that during the day I have a lot of free time, I rest and go about my business. But in the evening the children come home all dirty, and I start doing the laundry. As a result, I go to bed at three in the morning and fall asleep without hind legs. And yet, my current position suits me. I run a public dedicated to my favorite band, I take interviews for him. People thank me. So there is some kind of self-realization in my life, I get enough social approval. My husband always helps me with the children, takes on the homework that I didn’t have time to finish. He supports me in everything, and it was this support that helped me to accept my social status and feel comfortable in it.

Catherine

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When my child was born, I went on maternity leave and could not get out of it for a long time. My daughter had allergies, tactical dermatitis, mild asthma. In addition, in public kindergartens there were problems with places, and for a private one I would have to pay all my salary. We did not have grandparents, so we did not expect help from anywhere. I could not get off the maternity leave in time, and I had to quit my job. After three and a half years, we finally managed to send my daughter to kindergarten, but I still had to pick her up after school, stay at home with her when she was sick. So I decided to be a housewife for a while - until school starts.

At home I was bored and sad. In Moscow, all distances are very long. Often it was impossible to see friends, and my husband returned from work late in the evening. I thought about becoming a freelancer, but this prospect was also boring. I like to constantly communicate with people, to move, and I absolutely do not know how to do something for which I need to sit at the computer for a long time in silence. At some point, I got depressed and had to be treated. Life turned into groundhog day: no intellectual workload, only monotonous household chores. When my daughter grew up a little, it became more fun - now you could talk to her, go somewhere together.

When my daughter was seven years old, we moved to Germany, my husband was invited to work there. My plans to go to work fell through. Now, in order to get somewhere, I needed to learn the language.I got down to business, but two years later I got pregnant again. So I had to remain a housewife. On weekdays, I take the children to the kindergarten and school, then I go home, clean up, cook. Then again I go after the children and take them to the circles.

I have not worked for twelve years and have lost all my qualifications. So now I’m unlikely to find a job in my specialty. But I still think to go to an employment agency and ask if there are any options that work for me. In any case, I don’t want to be unemployed all my life.

I know some people think that you can always find another way out, not to become a housewife. But this is easy to talk about if you have grandparents who can help with the child. My husband and I did not have anyone, and we simply did not find another way out. If I had my way, I would not become a housewife. I'm not even sure that I would have given birth to children if I knew in advance that everything would turn out like this.

Still, being a housewife in Germany turned out to be a little easier. In Moscow, I did not dare to hire a nanny; moreover, all specialists with good recommendations agreed to work only full time. We couldn't afford that. Here we settled in a small town where many people know each other. They quickly helped me find trusted people who can leave the child for a couple of hours. Now I was at least able to take driving courses.

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Maria

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I didn't plan to become a housewife, it just happened. A young man and I came together when I was in graduate school. Several times I had an internship in different companies, but I never stayed to work anywhere. It turned out that I hate office work and open spaces - there is noise everywhere, people. In addition, it annoyed me that I had to spend a lot of time on the road. If you spend twelve hours working and commuting, how much time do you have left to do your business?

At the same time, I have such a specificity of work that you can do it mainly in the office. Remote positions are offered only to experienced, qualified specialists. Because of this, I never found a job that would suit me, and became a housewife. I'm not sure this word really fits. I cook, I buy groceries, I can arrange things. But I just hate to mop the floor, wipe the surfaces, it makes me shake. As a rule, for such tasks, I call the cleaner. When my boyfriend first saw that the au pair was coming to us, he was taken aback. It was not clear to him why he should invite a special person when he could get out on his own. But gradually he got used to it. But I take a responsible approach to the purchase of products. I can go to three different stores to find quality food and make a great dinner with them.

I don't like being excluded from social life. Getting out somewhere, meeting a friend is a whole event for me. Sometimes I feel flawed: everyone has projects, things to do, and I'm somewhere on the sidelines. Last winter I got depressed. I could stay at home for several days, even getting out of bed and eating was an achievement for me.

Not that financially I was completely dependent on a young man. He pays for utilities, but at the same time we live in an apartment that belongs to my family. If anything, I won't stay on the street. And yet I was very uncomfortable until I had any income. Now I began to take dogs for overexposure, or I myself go to them as a dog nanny. Sometimes it brings in 25-30 thousand rubles a month, sometimes 15. I would not have enough of this money for an independent life, but nevertheless it became easier for me when I had at least some money of my own. It's not even about the money itself, but about self-esteem.

Living together on the salary of one person is quite difficult, even if the salary is not bad. All expenses must be planned in advance. Often we cannot afford a vacation abroad. When we went to Cyprus, we then closed the hole in the budget for another two months.My boyfriend hinted to me several times that our life would be easier if I went to work. Yes, I myself would not mind, but so far it does not work. True, on New Year's Eve I worked part-time at the Respublika bookstore, and I liked it. I never thought that I would be able to work in the service sector, but it turned out to be very pleasant. I'm starting to think about going there and starting to save money for a second higher education. I want to learn something that I really like and that will allow me to work remotely.

Photos: hyggelife 1, 2, 3

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