I've Always Loved Sex: Women On Slut Shaming

A life 2023

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I've Always Loved Sex: Women On Slut Shaming
I've Always Loved Sex: Women On Slut Shaming

Video: I've Always Loved Sex: Women On Slut Shaming

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Video: The slut, the spinster and the perfect woman: Martha Mosse at TEDxCoventGardenWomen 2023, January
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What is “many sexual partners”? It would seem that in 2019 there should be neither quantitative "standards" in sex, nor condemnation for "promiscuity". Nevertheless, modern women are constantly faced with the call to limit sexual contacts and risk being subjected to slut shaming. We talked with girls about how they organize their sex life, why they don't consider monogamy to be the only “right” choice, and what to do to make people stop judging others for sex.

Interview: Sasha Kazantseva, presenter of the telegram channel "I washed my hands"

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Alice

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I've always liked sex as long as I can remember. Casual sex - because it often brings something new, sex in a relationship - because it's about intimacy. I like to negotiate with people about experiments, to fit into group sex, to try different things.

At the age of eighteen, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with nymphomania and prescribed medication for me to be “cured,” but this did not lead to any changes. Then one of my partners, with whom I was in a monogamous relationship, reproached me for needing too much sex. That guy even got a "Sin" tattoo on the back of his head and often poked at it. I went through powerful self-condemnation and even through self-hatred, considered myself "wrong", "sick." It's good that this hell is in the past.

Freedom in sexual relations is very important to me. It is strange for me to think that I can restrict someone or let someone restrict me. After all, I will not stop wanting a person, if they forbid me to do this - I will simply hide my desire, and that's it. Why sex with other people is considered cheating by the majority, I do not understand. Somehow I had a relationship of three: at that time I worked a lot, got tired and was very happy that my loved ones could satisfy each other without my participation.

Now, even if I have an exclusive relationship, then my partner or partner does not lose anything from the emergence of other ties. We talk about everything, discuss rules and agreements - the main thing is that everything happens by mutual agreement. I especially like it when in a relationship I can talk about my sex with other people (by their consent, again). This trust is very important for me.

Problems arise when I want too many people. I keep a diary in which I write not only work tasks and meetings with friends, but also sex. And when I meet a new person I like, I open my diary and ask myself the question: will I pull on resources? Sometimes I have to deliberately filter existing contacts in order to make a new one.

I find the idea of ​​restricting women's sexuality to a narrower box is highly toxic. Everyone has the right to enter into any contacts by mutual consent. It seems to me that the condemnation of women is only the tip of the iceberg in a society where, for some reason, it is considered the norm to get into someone else's personal life.

Kseniya

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As a teenager, I was very insecure, it was difficult for me to build communication with strangers, and in the presence of boys my knees were shaking. I was not very popular, and when they started to pay attention to me, I seized on it as an opportunity to raise my self-esteem. At first, I translated communication into a horizontal plane in order to feel “in demand”, but over time this format became a habitual way of life for me. Sex is now my favorite way of communicating with those I like.

Sometimes I spend one night with a person (or even several hours), sometimes I maintain close-friendly communication for years, sometimes I try to build a relationship. The most pleasant thing for me is emotions: when a person who was a “stranger” a few moments ago touches the most intimate parts of my body, I feel euphoria.And I also get new experience in sexual practices and communication.

I used to deal with slut shaming very often. Once my acquaintance moved away from me, having learned the number of my sexual partners (guess in what way our acquaintance with him developed). My ex-boyfriend constantly asked if I slept with this or that acquaintance of mine? Another said that my emancipation is cool, but he would not introduce me to his friends. One day a friend's boyfriend told her that if I start to molest him, he will immediately tell her about it - although he was not at all my type. Often, girlfriends of long-forgotten partners wrote me unpleasant things on social networks, and young people were very surprised at my refusal to sleep with them: I’ve already been with so many, why don’t I want to be with them? As if in order to be in the same bed with me, it is enough just to have a penis.

Recently, condemnation has decreased - either the views of people have begun to change, or I am now in a more comfortable and accepting environment. It's hard for me to understand why the number of people I slept with should matter at all? This is just a figure, and it does not characterize me from either a bad or a good side. I think that it simply does not fit into someone else's picture of the world that someone can just have fun like that, if they want to.

A former colleague of mine was very proud that she behaved "decently, and not like sh *** and who sleep with everyone in a row," and that in her company she had a reputation as the most unapproachable girl. And a former neighbor, who at that time had no one for a long time, once complained to me: “I really want sex, but you can't be with just anyone. What will they think of me? " And then she added: "Why can you sleep with whoever you want, but I can't?" Probably because my own needs are more important to me, and not what they think of me. Such stories make me sympathetic. I couldn't live in such a rigid, unknown framework for the dubious reward of public approval.

Katya

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Before the transgender transition, my relationship fit into all the conventional framework. In the seventeen years that we lived together, my wife and I had no desire to leave our monogamous world. But now I have an open relationship built on honesty and voluntariness. How do others react to this? Given that I am a trans woman, a “dad” of two children, and I love BDSM, my polyamory is not surprising to anyone.

I can have romantic feelings for several people at the same time, but I’m unlikely to build complex relationship schemes - I’m too lazy for that. I do not understand the "cult" of jealousy and sexual "fidelity", the sense of ownership is not close to me. Apparently, I'm too freedom-loving. But I like to know that I am in a relationship because I want to, and not because it is necessary, and that my partner is with me for the same reason.

What good can there be in condemning female sexuality? The idea that a man with many contacts is a hero-lover, and a woman is a sh *** a, in the 21st century looks like a mossy relic of the past. I am not in awe of “traditions,” much less those tied to reproductive rights and hierarchy.

It is clear that the problem of condemning women is not solved in one day, but it seems to me that the world is moving in this direction. I think that society has yet to change the systemic attitude towards female sexuality, recognize the entire spectrum of polyamorous relationships, and go through serious changes in the field of reproductive rights and responsibilities. In the meantime, with the help of my openness, I do what I can to nullify patriarchal values, which belong to the dustbin of history.

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Alice

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Now I am in a family relationship with two cismen who are also in a relationship with each other. With them I share household chores and rent, plan trips and holidays. I also have a girlfriend, we just go on dates with her. She also has other partners.Well, we all have separate micro-novels.

This may sound radical, but in principle I don't meet people who want to be in a monogamous relationship with me. I am of the opinion that whenever you want to have sex, you should have it (provided, of course, that the other person wants it too). I myself most often want to have sex with close people - those whom I have known for many years. Once I had only one such person, now there are two of them. It seems to me that finding people you are comfortable with and whom you love is just amazing luck. I don't understand why artificially limit their number.

All of our parents know what kind of relationship we have, but only the parents of one of the partners took it all right. Although they are not without strangeness: since I am the first woman with whom their son has been dating since 2003, they often and unpleasantly ask, when are the grandchildren? But still, at least they are friendly to all of us and are always happy to see us.

My relatives, on the other hand, react much worse. When I come with my partners to my parents, a ringing silence hangs. My grandmother once called me a "whore" - and she doesn't even know half of everything. My sister, who is now having a hard time divorcing her traditional one-for-life husband, doesn't approve of my life either. I am very sorry that instead of being supportive, women often judge each other.

However, I can understand the older generation. When my grandmother became pregnant out of wedlock, she was kicked out of her job and expelled from the university. And only five years later, when she met a good guy who married her despite the child, her life began to improve. I think it’s just hard and upsetting for my grandmother to watch me do the same and even more, but my life does not go downhill.

At the same time, the elderly owner of the apartment we are renting is aware of our relationship and does not ask any questions. A neighbor, an 80-year-old grandmother, also guessed everything: she is very lonely, and I work from home and is always happy to drink tea with her. I think she would not have stopped communicating with me, even if I worshiped Satan.

Now it often happens that as soon as I complain about any problem in a relationship, they begin to explain to me that this is precisely because there are two partners. In moments like this, I just remind myself that the most traditional couples are also full of problems. Relationships do not happen without problems at all.

Vika

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Now I have one constant partner in my life, and I also often have parallel contacts. But no more than five people a month - otherwise it is emotionally difficult for me. With such people I have no connection, except physical, I may not even know the name of the person.

After I began to talk openly about my connections, some acquaintances stopped communicating with me, someone moved away - although I remained the same person, did not change as a person. Some people tell me that I have "misconceptions" about my sex life. Sometimes people run out of arguments and call names sh * t. I used to do sex work, and maybe the insults are related to it. This does not offend me, it allows me to draw conclusions about a person.

It seems to me that people slatshake because of envy and narrow-mindedness - a lack of understanding that other people may have a different point of view. After all, I do not ask each of my acquaintances to sleep with a stranger for him, but I ask simply to respect my choice.

Now I freely talk about my life to everyone who is ready to listen to me. I blog, and over a thousand people read my reasoning and revelations. I am not ashamed. And even mom knows.

Sasha

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Even as a child, it was not clear to me why adults are worried about some kind of "betrayal" - can someone else's feelings and body belong? Almost all of my relationships were open. Sex for me is the same format of communication as a conversation or a friendly hug.In my particular case, it seems humane to me not to try to cover all my communication needs at the expense of one person. And I would not want other people to try to cover all their needs at the expense of me alone. Of course, this is my personal choice - different things are suitable for everyone.

I just like to spend time with nice people, work together, make friends, sometimes have sex with someone. For sex, emotional contact is always important to me - but I build it quickly. Sometimes I suggest sex to my friends, I can suggest sex on the first tinder date or at a party. I try to be careful about other people's borders and build a conversation about sex carefully so that the person is comfortable.

The family where I grew up was a very toxic environment, including in terms of sex - my parents constantly quarreled over it. Already at that time, I thought that I would really like people to discuss their sex calmly and carefully. In the same place, in late childhood, I first encountered slut-shaming - although I had not even had sex yet, and I was very offended.

Now I try to openly talk about my sexual experience and collect the experience of those who are ready to share it. I think if sex becomes visible and understandable, it ceases to be a “forbidden” and “shameful” topic, then it will not work to shame anyone. Talking openly about sex can also help you avoid trauma and take better care of each other.

When I write about my sexual experience in articles, sometimes I feel very vulnerable and afraid of condemnation, and sometimes I have a lot of fun and it seems that I am doing some kind of art action. In any case, I think that talking openly about sexual diversity can help you avoid shaming yourself and others for your sexual characteristics and better understand each other.

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Natalia

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Once on the instagram of one pastry chef I saw a cake for a bachelorette party, it had a dick made of mastic and the inscription "One pip for life." The sight of this cake made me not only embarrassed, but also sad. The thought of one lifelong, ahem, pipiska seems creepy, not romantic. I know for sure that more than one person can attract me at one time. Serial monogamy solves this issue by cheating or breaking up - but I'm not happy with these methods. This was one of the reasons why I came to polyamory: not for sex, but to expand the range of acceptable formats. I am interested in building close and long-term relationships with people.

The answer to the question "Is it possible for me to have sex with this person?" appears in my first half hour after meeting. I am not at all a fan of one night stand: I do not have the resources for constant communication with new people and at least minimal safety is important to me. In general, I do not understand well, why limit yourself to one night if the sex was great? I prefer the "friends with benefits" format. It is very important for me that a person has something to talk about and giggle about before, after, and better - even during sex.

Sometimes I am paranoid about STIs: I always use condoms, ask about my partner's HIV status and monitor my health. But considering that in a sense I am responsible not only for myself, but also for the health of my two permanent partners, it becomes alarming. But there are no problems with the ethical aspect - I am used to and know how to discuss everything at once.

Until now, the voice of slut shaming can sound in my head. I think he has a lot of reasons: religious, cultural, social. But by tabooing corporeality and sexuality, we do not make anyone happier. We get a world where people are afraid to talk about sex even with partners, do not feel pleasure, build relationships based on manipulation, stigmatize and therefore trigger STIs. I believe that slut-shaming is part of the culture of violence. And the fact that slut-shaming feels comfortable inside the myth of romantic love doesn't justify it in any way.

Sonya

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I've only come across slut-shaming in the world of Let Them Talk and sexist memasists.I have cleaned up my circle of acquaintances so much long ago that, in principle, I do not meet any aggression at all. And when my text happened on two hundred and fifty thousand views, the heavenly abyss opened up: acquaintances declined me in all cases, casual readers wrote about the "sperm receptacle", "sh ** hu" and "sh *** wu" in social networks, one adequate the comment had three or four aggressive ones. This is despite the fact that I could not tell the most colorful stories, because the heroes would one hundred percent recognize themselves, and I did not want to cause inconvenience to anyone.

“Many partners” lasted nine months in my case - and two or three times a week I had sex with different men. Sometimes these people were repeated, sometimes they were new. I started this experiment with myself because I was only in a long-term monogamous relationship and, to be honest, did not know much about the possibilities of my body and the male concept of sexuality. Plus, earlier in my case, sex was necessarily associated with feelings, and feelings also do not appear two or three times a week. So I was pragmatic - and very honest with my men. It was funny to read in the comments about some mythical men who give me gifts and expect love from me: no confessions or gifts were received, we just tried to communicate as equals. I met through the Pure applications and sometimes Tinder - thank God, there are still people who do not want to get married and relationships (most consciously or subconsciously wait for them).

I'm not at all against a conventional monogamous relationship with someone you love: I am deeply loyal and devoted to the chosen person and in my world it works well. It's just that at some stage of the experiments, you want to understand what generally exists in the world of relationships based on sexuality - and in monogamy, such knowledge is arranged differently. Plus, in my teenage years, when people try many partners, I often found myself in dangerous and abusive situations and looked for relationships, including so as not to experience pain. So I had a deep love-sexual relationship with only five people - not much, considering that I am twenty-eight years old.

I did not face bullying outside the Internet, but what I read in the comments was terrifying. Upset, of course, the diagnosis by the avatar. If a girl broke up, then she is a "desperate divorcee" - no options. Or she has a manic phase of bipolar disorder. “It's not because of a good life that a person does this. If he regularly sleeps with new men, then sh *** and a deceiver. If the editorial board publishes such a text, it is breaking through the bottom. If it mentions the Pure app, it means native. Of course, everyone wrote that the article was made by some abstract man.

I was incredibly supported by the reaction of my boyfriend, with whom the relationship was just beginning. He was proud of my honesty and said: "Can you imagine, people do not understand so much what to do with sex that your story seems to them a fiction." It is not clear why eating sperm in 2019 is not a shame, but writing about it should be ashamed to the point of madness - and if you do this, then something is wrong with it. I realized what kind of shit is pouring out on activists, sex bloggers and other women who talk about sexuality. That is why, it seems to me, they choose the path of recommendations and sex education, and not the path of personal experience. My closest friends also accepted and understood my period, laughed at my stories (they were ridiculously funny) and worried about my safety.

The worst thing about this promiscuous sex is, of course, the lack of security. Infection (I don't like condoms and I wanted to avoid them). Do not say "cum inside me" in a fit of complete unconsciousness. Leave whole from someone else's apartment. Don't waste your apartment. Catching alarming flags (I didn’t have to, I was really lucky). Sex with strangers is dangerous. That is why I did not trust, for example, in hard BDSM - I was simply afraid of a stranger at whose disposal I would find myself.

Now the format of sex with strangers has already been interrupted, because I met a person with whom I am ideally compatible in sex. Also, excuse me, I hate barrier contraception, and a constant partner you trust is the only way to avoid latex wipes, the hated condoms and oral contraception, which are forbidden for my health. Choosing monogamy is often a choice of safe sex with someone you trust and with whom you are attuned to each other.

About the period of "nine months" that I went through, I will calmly tell any adequate person from my inner circle, but I will not write about it under my own name and will not make an open post on Facebook out of it. Unfortunately, Russia is a very sanctimonious country. And then you will not be called for a million works after such confessions. At the same time, I have no idea how to solve the problem of condemning women for sex - I do not think that one sex education will help. It seems to me that we need not so much articles on how to find a clitoris, but offline gatherings "I love to write on my boyfriend", where you will see the same people who do not avert their eyes - there is nothing more important than this kind of person. Would a woman planning for the future and professional growth want to organize an all-Moscow forum for anal lovers? I do not believe in this. Perhaps it's time to open a thematic group on Facebook, I even came up with the name - "Anal del Rey".

Photos: SINDstudio / Etsy

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