Just Like In War: 5 Signs You Were Raised Spartan

A life 2023

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Just Like In War: 5 Signs You Were Raised Spartan
Just Like In War: 5 Signs You Were Raised Spartan
Video: Just Like In War: 5 Signs You Were Raised Spartan
Video: 【GMV】- Spartan 2023, February
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Did your parents raise you as a little hero? If so, you are not alone. The positive qualities in this "Spartan" system of relations with the world are endurance, perseverance, the ability to neglect one's feelings, not talk about them and act with clenched teeth in any situation - in short, heroism, like in war. Attention to feelings, the ability to ask for support, to treat discomfort as something wrong and the lack of rescue skills, on the contrary, are perceived as signs of pampering and egocentrism. We will tell you how to understand that you were raised as a "hero" and what to do about it.

Text: Yana Shagova, author of the telegram channel "Everything is all right with me!"

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You are insensitive to discomfort

Heroism is, first of all, patience and endurance. Therefore, people brought up by a "heroic" example live with gritted teeth, endure a lot and even have lost the habit of noticing it. Discomfort, discomfort - both physical and emotional - have long become the norm for them. Not getting enough sleep on weekends to get more done? Easy. Getting enough sleep is not about heroes at all, like eating regularly and going to the doctor before health problems become critical. Agree to an inconvenient meeting in time and place? Constantly. At the end of the day, to find that you are pounding, your head hurts and you cannot sleep from overexertion? The usual thing.

Unfortunately, this insensitivity turns into physical and mental health problems. Untreated depression, a severe flu suffered on the legs and even a fracture that was not noticed in time is the lot of heroes who are accustomed to the fact that bad is a normal condition. Of course, such a lifestyle is quickly destructive. Often people begin to take alcohol and drugs in order to disconnect from a heavy routine at least for a while and experience an artificial, chemical pleasure. And yet this, unfortunately, does not allow you to enjoy life itself and its small and big joys. After all, the hero is not up to joy - he must overcome.

What to do?

Chances are, your body is already telling you that something went wrong. Therefore, the first rule is to pay attention to bodily discomfort. Pain, overstrained muscles, a buzzing in the head from fatigue, a pinched back and other unpleasant sensations are not the norm. At least in hindsight, monitor the situations that led to such sensations: usually, where there are unpleasant sensations in the body, there is also a lot of psychological stress. For example, if someone took their anger at you and forced you to accept an uncomfortable offer, or you were burdened with unpaid overtime and you lost your day off.

You cannot discern emotions

Often people prone to heroism distinguish their feelings only on the level of "I feel good" or "I feel bad." In the heroic worldview, emotions are such an unnecessary and completely ephemeral thing, a whim that can and should be "turned off" by an effort of will. In fact, of course, this is not the case. Our entire body reacts to emotionally charged situations (fear, conflict, loss, humiliation, etc.): the central and peripheral nervous system, endocrine system, muscles, heart and blood vessels. And this happens regardless of whether we are aware of our feelings or not.

Emotions are scorned where people have had to survive for a long time. Not to emotions when you have to work from dawn to dusk just to get money for food. No time for emotions if there is a war going on. There is no time for emotions when there is a crisis or an unstable situation in society, high uncertainty and scary all the time. In these cases, the priority is to survive physically, and the "freezing" of feelings turns into a way to survive.And emotionally "frozen" parents raise the same "frozen" children: not because they are bad, but because they cannot teach children to distinguish between feelings and to treat them. In fact, we are all children of such parents, or at least the grandchildren of such grandparents.

Non-discrimination of emotions can also be the result of living in a dysfunctional environment: one of the family members suffered from chemical addiction, lost money, there were constant conflicts and quarrels in the family, there was physical violence, there were too strict rules governing all spheres of life. Usually in such families it is customary to hide problems, and adults mislead the child about their own and his own feelings. After a noisy quarrel, the child asks: “Mom, why did Dad shout at you? He's mad? You cry?" - and parents usually answer something like: "I am not crying, it seemed to you" or "Dad is not angry, and in general, go to your room." Or the child is explained that “you cannot be angry with your elders,” and he has to ignore his feelings under pain of punishment.

Growing up, a person does not understand how he feels in a particular situation, and usually does not see the connection between this trait and the difficulties that he is experiencing. “I don’t understand why I always choose friends who end up setting me up,” says a man who in his family has learned to ignore alarms and dangers well. “For some reason I am often annoyed, but I do not like to be such a person,” says one or the one who was taught to endure to the last. Background irritation here is a consequence of aggression, rudeness and regular violation of boundaries that a person makes in relation to himself, without even realizing it.

What to do?

The good news is that like any skill, the ability to discriminate between emotions can be developed. First, read what emotions are in general. You can literally find a list and try it on yourself - as, for example, in this or this picture. When you feel “something, but it’s not clear what,” ask yourself directly: what emotions am I experiencing now? Start training by identifying basic emotions: fear, pain, anger, disgust, shame, surprise, curiosity, joy. Gradually, you can move on to shades like apathy, serenity, disappointment or dislike.

In fact, the "hero" is very often hurt, and deep down he feels that, having ceased to endure, he will begin to notice this pain. It can be almost unbearable at first. It saves that along with this comes the ability to distinguish all other emotions, including joy, surprise, curiosity, interest.

It is very helpful to notice bodily sensations during the day. Pay attention to how you stand, sit and walk, how you position your body in space, which muscles are tense and which are relaxed. This can be done on the subway, at work, sitting at a computer at home - anywhere. As you develop this skill, try to notice how the body responds to different situations. In some cases, you will find that your lower jaw is contracted (this is the usual state of "heroes"), the muscles of your arms or legs are tense. In others, the neck is squeezed and the head is pulled into the shoulders. The body will tell you what feelings you recently experienced or are experiencing right now.

Advanced level - make decisions based on feelings. Yes, that's right, and not for rational reasons, as you have always been taught. This is not about impulsive actions, but, for example, about such situations: do I really want to go to a concert on Sunday evening, or am I tired and emotionally overwhelmed after an active week and therefore want to stay at home? They offered a second date - to agree or not? Depends on what I experienced first. A new project is being proposed - is my emotional system sending out signals of danger and anxiety? Should you do business with these people?

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There is a lot of overcoming and patience in your plans for life

The hero's motto: be patient and carry everything on your shoulders.This behavior is appropriate for a truly critical, dangerous situation, not for everyday life. But if you were raised as a hero, you are more likely to build it according to heroic standards.

It may look, for example, like this: I will choose an institute specialty not according to my inclinations, but in spite of myself, in order to develop! If I love the humanities, I will go to engineering, just prove to myself that I can. And if all my life I’ve had triplets in Russian and English, I’ll go to study languages. I’ll find a university and a job two hours away from home. You don't need to be guided by the distance - comfort is not the main thing in life! If the boss screams and throws things - it's okay, but she is experienced and can teach me a lot, and this company will look good on a resume. It has been impossible to talk about relationships with a partner for several years, and in general he (she) is not at home all the time. But after all, we have invested so much in our marriage - I will try to convince him (her) to change everything, for sure I will find arguments!

The hero endures all the time for the sake of higher goals. And these goals, like the horizon line, keep moving away - and you have to endure now, from day to day. Hard work that is not appreciated, friends who do not value the relationship very much, a partner who shows disdain, and so on.

What to do?

You can start from the previous points: learn to distinguish between feelings and reduce tolerance to any discomfort. At the stage of plans, it's time to add the rational part - to rebuild thinking. The idea that plans can (and should!) Take into account your own comfort is overwhelming at first. The first thought of heroically minded people is something like this: "But nothing can be done either!" and "I am so spunky!" Let's tell you a secret: it is still impossible to do fifteen things in a day, when you know from experience that you only manage to do five. Therefore, you need to lay down three or four things plus time for rest (do you remember about comfort?).

And yes, sometimes to include comfort and well-being in plans is to refuse and refuse, even if the goals look brilliant. Give up a year of study in the evenings after work, because otherwise you will no longer have time to sleep and eat. Postpone your MBA because it will completely drain your budget and prevent you from going on vacation.

Here, of course, you will have to face shame, guilt and the feeling that everyone has fled ahead, and you are standing still - after all, heroic standards prescribe to be equal to the best, and preferably the ten best in ten different areas. The hero, who is accustomed to enduring, is scared that his relatives and friends will reject him if he begins to refuse inconvenient and unsuitable activities for him. How is it to say to your own mother or your beloved friend: "Sorry, I won't come to the dacha for the weekend, because I get more tired in traffic jams than I rest in nature"? Or “I can't go with you because I’m already asleep at this time”?

Of course, they will be surprised: before, they dealt with a reliable person who can handle everything. But it is possible that they will not - after all, most often the hero has a habit of picking up plans and commitments and still cannot fulfill even half, because he runs out of strength, time and other resources. So perhaps giving up heroism, on the contrary, will make you a more reliable person and a pleasant friend. Well, if someone doesn’t like the fact that you now want to live well and don’t tolerate it, maybe this person has no place in your close circle.

You don't know how to ask for help and support

The hero can save others, but he imposes a prohibition on asking for help himself. This usually lasts from childhood, for example, if the child was not helped and was scolded for the very attempt to attract parents to problems: “You don’t know how to stand up for yourself! Learn to fight!”,“How did you listen to the material in the lesson that now you cannot solve the problem ?!”. Then he understood that asking for help is a shame, and those around him supposedly have the right to be angry and humiliate him for it.There is a second option, even more difficult, when a person cannot even remember that it occurred to him to ask for help. This happens when the parents somehow broadcast the idea that asking for help is not allowed. Perhaps they showed themselves so helpless, or were so cold and not at all involved in the child's problems, that the natural desire to come to dad or mom for protection and support did not even arise - or it was suppressed at a very early age.

Growing up, such a person feels entitled to ask for help only in great trouble: when he is in debt, becomes very ill, does not sleep for the third day, he is evicted from the apartment. Slightly less disastrous reasons are considered insufficient reason for asking, let alone asking for emotional support: approve, praise, listen to a long story without interrupting.

What to do?

There is a good exercise: remembering how you treat your friends (or a partner or a child) in a similar situation. Do you console, listen, help? You yourself deserve the same treatment as your loved ones. It is good to remember at what moments of childhood you needed support that you did not provide - you can even write down cases when an unbearable burden for a child fell on you. This is not necessary to scold the parents, but to better see which situations were not really the norm. Are you scared and no one comforted you? As an adult, you can share your anxiety with friends and family. As a child, you did not cope with some business, because you did not know how to approach it, and no one helped you? Fortunately, adults have a lot of options: you can read how to do it or where to go on the Internet, ask your friends for advice - live or on social networks, hire paid help or sign up for courses. It is important not to leave yourself without help and not to scold, that is, not to reproduce that unfair model from childhood.

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You try to control other people's feelings and actions

The habit of “overcoming” also extends to the sphere of relationships: friendships, romantic ones, relatives, workers - whatever. The heroes believe that if they try very hard, they can change the behavior and actions of another person: “I can find arguments!”, “You just need to explain it properly”, “I try to show him / her, but he / she does not see in any way”.

Situations can be very different. “Parents do not want to make a passport and see the world, but I insist: I will go with them to submit documents, and finally I will send them to Spain. How long can you sit in your dacha! ". “Granny doesn't want to learn how to send text messages. She just doesn't understand how easy and convenient it is - I'll show her again. " “My partner will never quit smoking, and she already has obstructive bronchitis! I found a good article for her on what the consequences will be if she continues. " “For half a year now, my husband has hardly spent time with me - now he has training, now meeting with friends, now overtime. We even went to a family psychologist, but he still continues to leave. I want to explain to him how this affects our relationship!"

What to do?

Perhaps this is the most difficult point. Rejecting the idea of ​​remodeling loved ones implies very painful self-confessions. That we cannot “properly” show our partner how much his constant absence in the evenings and weekends hurts him: if this conversation has already taken place and nothing has changed, the partner will continue to leave, he has made his choice. That parents who are accustomed to their lifestyle may not want to live differently, even if we try very hard to convince them and demonstrate all the delights of a comfortable life. That we cannot prove to the boss all the charm of competent delegation if his entire business is based on personal control and he receives emotional benefit from this control, albeit at the expense of financial losses.

It is important to remember that we are not in control of other people's feelings or actions.It's scary to admit it at first, but it unravels situations that seemed very difficult. We control our lives, our actions and decisions.

Photos: 100 Toys (1, 2, 3)

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