IN THE HEADING "COMMUNICATIONS" WE TELL ABOUT GIRLS, who came up with a common cause and achieved success in it. And at the same time we expose the myth that women are not capable of friendly feelings, but can only compete aggressively. Today our heroines - Tatyana Dmitrieva and Taisia Reshetnikova, the founder of Kinky Russia, who were so impressed by the beautiful foreign sex parties that they decided to do something similar in Moscow - and formed a kinky community that is becoming more and more fun. We talked about how Russians' attitudes towards sexuality are changing and how to organize a party where you can dance to cool music and have sex.
Berlin - Moscow
Tanya: When I began to be interested in various sexual practices and google in Russian, my eyes began to bleed very quickly: then, about six years ago, there were only scary both in appearance and in content sites with a bunch of patriarchal stereotypes and conflicting information. I immediately had the idea that it was necessary to create a normal Russian-language resource for those interested, like me, but then this idea seemed too fantastic. A couple of years later, I met Lena Rydkina and together we launched Sexprosvet 18+ - popular science conferences about sex and sexuality, which allowed us to start a conversation about this topic. And then I met Taya, and six months later we organized a Kinky Party.
Taya: My acquaintance with kinki culture began with foreign parties - very successful, because otherwise I would have immediately lost my passion. When I came to Moscow after Berlin and Paris and went to a couple of parties for some ads on BDSM sites, it was so bad that I would not wish such an experience to anyone. The first club I went to was very far from the center, the premises were dirty - it was unpleasant not only to have sex, but to be in general. The entire staff was horrified and looked at the guests with round eyes, many were untidy and not wearing a dress code, the shows themselves were non-exciting, uninteresting, unaesthetic - spanking for the sake of spanking, and not for the sake of feeling, connection or viewer involvement. And, of course, there were no rules: no one monitored safety, you could be groped at any moment.
But I was brave, young and so shocked by what I saw that it only spurred me on - we met with Tanya, and I said: “Is it really so difficult - just take a normal room, great music, good artists, make a strict dress code so that people didn't come in sweaters and jeans. " And Tanya said: "Let's try, why not!"
We both already had experience in organizing events, so we knew what to do, but it was not without difficulties. For example, at the very first site, we agreed on everything with the manager, and the owner of the establishment came to the event itself and was stunned - shouting “I went to church in the morning”, “where is your shame” and so on. But it was no longer possible to stop this chaos, so he recouped then - he squeezed the deposit money. We were offered to sue him, but we decided to just accept it as an experience and continue doing what we are doing. Now we are discussing in detail with the site what will happen.
Freedom and rules
Tanya: The rules are the first thing we came up with after the name of the party. We hang them on the walls of the club, send them in an invitation letter, they are printed on the ticket. We constantly emphasize how important it is to follow the rules for the comfort and safety of guests. The first thing that came up: "No means no." But it happens that a person cannot say “no” or you don’t understand each other, so the next one was “I don’t like it - refuse”.
Taya: In the patriarchal system, it is customary for a man to insist, and a woman to fight back: you must say “no” and pretend that you don’t want to.We strongly oppose this approach and try to spread a culture of active consent. The rules are in this order: everything is possible, no means no, I don't like it - refuse, I wanted it - ask. The latter is also important: people, seeing around erotic outfits and atmosphere, often feel permissiveness. But freedom is not permissiveness: you can interact, having received consent, and not paw anyone you want when you want.
Tanya: Photo and video filming at parties is strictly prohibited: there is only one official photographer, all materials pass only through us and we ask all participants for consent if we want to upload something somewhere.
Taya: This is also important for keeping people incognito, and for guests to be involved in communication with each other, and not to be stuck on Instagram.
Tanya: I myself cannot relax at all at fetish parties where filming is allowed, in my opinion, this is very strange.
Taya: At our party, the security is monitored by the kinki police - specially trained guys in "Police Without Morals" T-shirts. Their main goal is to make sure that they do not take pictures and do not take out their phones. The rules are universal for everyone: you can't take a picture of your wife, or artists, or take a selfie. We also ask the kinki police to ensure that the condition of mutual consent is observed: if something not very clear is happening with you, the kinki police can come up and clarify if everything is in order, if you need help. We can withdraw a guest due to inappropriate behavior - this is how several people were blacklisted.
Actually, a kinky party is much safer than any regular party where a guy meets a girl at a bar and they go to fuck in the toilet without a condom, because he was not at hand. Our party has everything for safe sex in the public domain: lubricants, condoms, gloves. But we will not follow with a flashlight whether you have a condom on or not, this is your own business.
Tanya: By the way, sex is prohibited in our toilet: before, people occupied the toilets, queues were lined up. Now for this a fine!
Theme and dress code
Taya: For three years we have had a lot of different topics. We started with the classics: BDSM, Eyes Wide Shut, The Master and Margarita, movie heroes. In general, everything that comes to mind when you think about some fetish ball. But we quickly got tired of doing something classic - after all, half of my closet is occupied by beautiful fetish clothes for all occasions that I want to walk.
Tanya: All three years we have been realizing our own fantasies in fetish themes - wondering what other atmosphere do we want to get into? If we want to go to a hotel, we make a hotel; if we want to go to a circus, we make a circus. We always have a strict dress code that changes depending on the theme; the guests' outfits create the atmosphere, and this is the most valuable thing. The next party, which will take place on July 13, is called "Get Wild", it is dedicated to nature, flora and fauna - there will be an enchanted forest, all in costumes of animals, plants, trainers and everything related to the animal world.
Taya: The dress code is also an additional screening out of people who are not ready to relax and have fun. It often happens that guys in T-shirts and jeans are trying to pass.
Tanya: They say: "I mean, what can you wear besides jeans?" I answer that there are a lot of options: leggings, kilts, stockings, shorts, tights, dresses. And they: "I what, f *** r, or what?" It is clear that these guys will not come to us.
Taya: Everything is possible with us, we are open to people of any orientation and gender. If this confuses you, then it is better not to come to the party. We do not want to shake someone's braces.
Tanya: A cool story about the dress code was at our party in St. Petersburg. Our guys tell me: "A very expensive car has arrived with some complicated numbers, get ready." A very serious man comes down with two beautiful female models, almost twins, dressed in amazing fetish costumes. And he is in some kind of shirt, half unbuttoned, in jeans, already drunk.I say: "The girls pass, but you do not - you are not in the dress code." He begins to be bullish, the girls stroked him on the shoulders and calmed him down, he is indignant for a long time. Then an amazing thing happens: the three of them step aside, the girls undress him completely, take out latex shorts, muzzle, collar from the bag, put him on his knees and silently return - and he is after them on all fours! Please pass.
Taya: In addition to control at the entrance, there is also a primary selection: to get to the party, you need not just buy a ticket, but fill out an application and leave a couple of links to your social networks. This is not lookism - we just check if the person in the profile has machines and temples, for example.
Tanya: And there are such people - they hope that we do not look through the applications manually and will not notice. We have been personally following the dress code and applications for all three years.
Consent and no sex sex party
Taya: We were offered to make bracelets: red - for those who do not want to interact, green - for those who are ready. But this is not in line with our principles. The party is designed so that you can come, want nothing and walk on the wall, and then want to participate - because the atmosphere is cool, safe and exciting. The bracelet will limit you in your fantasies and desires, because the mood can change right at the party.
Tanya: In addition, this system contradicts the idea of communication: instead of saying something, you will silently show red or green - this is not very useful. We want people to learn how to talk to each other and discuss their desires. In general, a lot of people come to us who do not want to engage in any sexual interactions, but just hang out - I would say that there are more than half of them.
Taya: After all, our parties are primarily parties. This is not a swinger club, our sex is not the main goal of the whole event. The main thing is the atmosphere, and then you decide what to do with it. Nobody says that you have to interact with someone.
Tanya: There is a funny story about a guy who came to a party for the first time and hung out all the time on the dance floor, not knowing that there were other zones. He came up to me at the end of the party and said: “Listen, I was in vain afraid, right there everyone is just dancing! Cool party! " And interactions and kinky shows were in the neighboring halls, where he did not even reach. But I had a great time. It is a pity that we ourselves are not able to hang out, we relax only after four in the morning, when the most persistent and courageous guests remain.
Taya: Tanya most often controls the dress code and chooses DJs, and I act as artistic director: we always have a fairly extensive program, different shows. Burlesque artists often perform - this is the genre that suits us best ideologically, we are still running the Ladies of Burlesque project in parallel, and now I myself perform. At Kinky, we decided from the very beginning to abandon the standard go-go and striptease because it is objectifying and just boring. Every time we come up with and direct some beautiful ritual to the theme of the party. For example, from the movie "Eyes Wide Shut", remaking it to suit your taste.
Tanya: At the vampire party, we had a beautiful vampire dinner with a severed head and a naked maiden serving.
Taya: Part of the show can be some kind of simple game that is not tied to sexual interaction, which helps to immerse the audience in the atmosphere. For example, a trainer who lost his rabbit, and they run after each other all over the site, the rabbit asks the guests to hide it, the trainer - to help find the fugitive.
Kinky community and harsh Russian BDSM
Taya: It seems that we gave some kind of impetus, thanks to which what was already maturing in society, was able to be realized. People need freedom of sexual expression, the opportunity to experiment, to be liberated and to call things by their proper names, to get acquainted and learn new things.Sex bloggers have appeared, and projects in which people do something with their hands, like "Machinery".
I love the kinky community that has emerged over the past few years: it's pretty safe, fun, and in a good way playful. These are people who like to discuss sex, learn something new in this field, exchange experiences. Many say that they have found understanding with us, people with the same values, even a second family.
Tanya: Those who wanted free sexual expression had nowhere to go before: BDSM and swingers have too strict rules, you can't fit in there so immediately, and in the rest of the world it is generally not customary to talk about sex and sexuality. We have only five rules, and everything else does not matter - you are lower or upper, in what position, where and how many times.
Taya: Our audience is fifteen years younger than in foreign clubs, because in Russia, in principle, this culture is very young. There, at parties it is quite possible to meet people of the age of our parents, and they will behave openly and relaxed, because they have been hanging out for forty years.
Tanya: And the age of our grandparents too - there are not so many of them, but quite a tangible number.
Taya: In Russia, of course, this is impossible to imagine, people are just beginning to learn about kinki culture. Our foreign friends always notice this and say that due to the youth of the community, there is some special enthusiasm here.
Moscow has its own BDSM party and swingers, but we hardly intersect with them. In BDSM, they are accustomed to their value system, they have a strict hierarchy: either you are a dominant, or you are a sambissist, switches are not very favored. The Russian BDSM community around the world is considered one of the toughest, closed and unsafe. For them, all our kinky games are kindergarten, but ripping your ass to the blood is cool.
Tanya: Someone from the community, of course, comes to our parties, but there is not much overlap.
Taya: In the same way, we do not intersect with swingers - this is a separate large community based on patriarchal and heterosexual values. These are necessarily couples, usually husband and wife, and there is a very big emphasis on sex. That is, if you come to a swinger club, you kind of have to have sex. There is a dance floor measuring one meter by one meter, and there are solid beds around.
Tanya: Swingers are bored with us: "It's already two o'clock in the morning, and we haven't fucked even ten people, wasted our time."
New projects and a feminine approach
Taya: We not only have parties, but also Kinky Market, the Kinky Practice educational program and Kinky Day, a festival where you can buy fetish accessories and listen to lectures on kinky culture and equality. It is important for us to convey that it is normal to play in your sex life and it can be done safely.
Tanya: We were the first to launch Kinky Market - we just got tired of answering where to dress for the party and sending links to the designers we know separately. Then the Kinky Practice project appeared. We always have zones at the party where we show different practices: shibari, spanking, massage and squirt. People started asking us where to learn all this - and we had nowhere to send them. Then we launched master classes on sexual practices.
Taya: At that time, there were two directions on the market: either tantra, a rather esoteric and not always high-quality story, or training centers where they are trying to sell you something or they conduct subversive work called "pump on a fur coat." We decided that we needed master classes without pseudoscience, esotericism and stereotypes. Now Kinky Practice is on summer vacation, from September we plan to reformat it a little - we want it to be not only one-off lectures, but entire courses.
Tanya: And finally, this year there was Kinky Day - a big festival with a market and lectures. There we read lectures about kinki culture and try to add some more educational and entertainment program - for example, last time we showed a film about sex education in India in conjunction with the festival of topical scientific cinema.
Tanya: We often go to overseas parties to learn how it is - in the last three years we have been going to the XPlore festival, which takes place in several cities, including Berlin. This is perhaps the best we've seen. This is a completely different format, namely the festival format - there are play-parties, play-rooms, many workshops on various practices, on communication, on self-knowledge. We want to do something similar in Moscow, but we are waiting for the audience to grow, so that people are ready not only to go to parties, but also to learn.
Taya: Other kinky parties appear in Russia, but we mostly don't like them. There is a feeling that women are the best at organizing such events - for men, perhaps due to patriarchal attitudes, it is more difficult to understand why security and active consent are so important. They have a picture in their heads - a party with beautiful girls where everything is possible. And how this is realized is not so important anymore. It happens that sex workers are hired to pose as guests. We went to one very expensive party where there were thirty invited artists, twenty-nine of them were girls and one pumped-up man. There is a feeling that you are falling into some kind of male fantasy, in which you yourself are not particularly comfortable. And we made a party for girls, for ourselves - and it turned out that men are also happy to be where cool, confident, relaxed and self-satisfied women gather.
PHOTOS: Kinky russia