Asexuals are people who are not interested in sex. In the world, such - from 1 to 3%. Often such people face mistrust, stigma and social pressure. They are advised to find "true love" or change partners. Our heroine - the writer Sonchi Rave - tells how she realized her asexuality and how she tried to remake herself and "learn" to have sex.
Everybody wants to be wanted
When I was sixteen years old, the word "asexual" had not yet been heard. I didn't know what was wrong with me - my classmates and classmates went on dates with might and main, kissed, someone even had sex. I did not want this at all - I did not even have the slightest desire to kiss someone. I was afraid: what if I have some mental difficulties? Maybe I lack empathy? Could it be sociopathy at all?
Once I went to see a school psychologist. We talked about my friends, about relationships. She said that I was very beautiful and asked if I was meeting with someone in class. I admitted that I was never interested in romantic relationships and that it even worries me. Then she said: “You know, there are people who simply don’t need sex in their lives. There is nothing wrong". She added that such people are called asexuals. At home, I began to search for this word on the Internet and found several English-language sources. I read and understood: it is really very similar to me. It relieved my heart: before I was afraid that I had some kind of problems, but now I knew that everything was in order - I was not the only one like that and this was not a disease. In addition, I have a special word to denote my peculiarity, a way of self-identification. This is very important in adolescence. I began to tell everyone: "I am asexual." Then, in 2011-2012, few people understood what this meant. I felt special and enjoyed enlightening everyone. She wrote posts on social networks and stories related to asexuality.
If I didn't want sex, that doesn't mean I didn't fall in love. Since childhood, I have been fascinated by cartoon characters. For example, I liked the Nightcrawler from X-Men, a character with blue hair and a tail. But when I imagined our meetings with him, we became friends and associates, experienced joint adventures. I never had hugs and kisses in my fantasies.
For me, "I want you" is generally
not a compliment. I do not understand why everyone wants to be wanted, for me there is no great value in this.
As I matured and began to watch more adult films, I did not feel any excitement from the erotic scenes. Not that I didn't like them. For example, there is an amazing explicit scene in the movie Blast Blonde, which I love to watch. Despite my asexuality, I find the nude body beautiful, it can be a great artistic tool. I love seeing him in art. It's just that it doesn't make me think about sex - rather, an aesthetic pleasure.
If you're asexual, you may still want a relationship. Walking with someone, chatting, supporting each other, watching a movie together. I would very much like a partner to appear in my life, so that there is romance - the way I understand it. Most people I know cannot imagine romance without sexual desire, without erotic touching each other. But for me this concept is based on friendship, mutual understanding and respect. It turned out that it is almost impossible to build relationships with this approach. When you explain to a guy that you are not interested in sex, he takes offense. Says, "You just don't want me because you don't like me enough." But for me, "I want you" is not a compliment at all. I do not understand why everyone wants to be wanted, for me there is no great value in this.
In my first year, I met a young man who I really liked. I didn't want to deceive him and pretty quickly admitted to him that I was asexual. He was from St. Petersburg, and our relationship began when he came to Moscow on business. He said: "I thought that I would return home and take the girls to my place, but now I met you." It was then that I said: I do not mind that he has sex with other girls - after all, he should not suffer because of my sexual orientation.
He didn't like this conversation at all. In spite of everything, we tried to continue the relationship. But it seems that he did not quite believe that I might not want sex. He told me that I was squeezed, constantly limiting myself. Once said, "Your comfort zone smells like cadaveric rot." He also said that I will never be happy.
Write when you are cured
People are used to the fact that sex plays a very important role in relationships. It has become a template. When I break someone's pattern, the person begins to get angry with me, tries to prove something to me, to convince me. I come across this all the time and have already got used to it. For example, they say to me: "Sex is great, you shouldn't deprive yourself of this pleasure." Many people refuse to believe that someone might just not like sex.
One young man for eight hours in a row tried to convince me that there is no asexuality, and I simply did not meet "my man." As a result, he said: "I am sure that in five years I will meet you on the street, you will have six children and a husband, and in the evenings you will be happy to give him a blowjob."
It would seem that in my case the easiest way would be to start a relationship with another asexual. I sit in thematic publics, and sometimes I receive messages: "Hello, are you interested in a relationship with an asexual?" Or, for example: "I am also asexual, let's stick together, we are a rare species." But I am not a species. I am a person, a writer, a woman. How can you enter into a relationship with someone just because you are both asexual? It's as weird as saying, “You're gay! I have a gay friend, you need to be introduced. " So I decided that I would not deliberately seek a relationship with asexuals - let my partner be a person of any sexual orientation, and we will decide what to do with sex.
Over the years, I noticed more and more: if you tell a person that you are asexual, he loses interest in you. Many people say: "Write when you are cured." Once I met a guy on Twitter, I really liked him. We went on a date, and at the first opportunity, I explained everything to him to myself. I thought he reacted normally. But after the date, he did not reply to my messages, and then wrote that he could not continue to communicate with me because of my asexuality. “If you fix it, we can start communicating again,” he suggested. Another young man who was very interesting to me said: "I do not like your asexuality, but we will work on it." All this is pretty wild - as if I am living with a physical handicap or doing something immoral.
Gradually, I stopped talking about my asexuality at every corner. It began to seem to me that I would never meet love if I talked so openly about myself. Sometimes I even tried to go against myself: I had sex out of a desire to keep a partner. It never ended well.
Once I subscribed to a young man on Instagram and fell in love with him, looking at photos and reading posts. It turned out that my friend and I flew to rest in Georgia and he ended up there at the same time. In his stories, I saw that he was throwing a coin into the fountain and making a wish - to meet love. It seemed very romantic to me. After drinking the wine, I made up my mind and also wrote down a story, tagging it. Correspondence ensued, we agreed to meet.
Everything was just magical - we chatted, walked in the rain. There was real romance in this - exactly the kind that I have always dreamed of. He walked me to the hostel, we decided to stand on the balcony.I didn't even think that he would want to have sex - it's not at all what I think about when dating. But when we stood and looked down from the balcony, talking about something, he suddenly just gagged my mouth with a kiss.
At first I thought: it's okay, you have to try. I liked this guy so much that I decided to hide my asexuality from him, to pretend that everything was in order. But the further it went, the worse it became for me - I felt uncomfortable, bad. At some point, I pulled away from him and said: “Sorry, I can't. I guess I'm just a freak. " At that moment, I was really ready to hate myself for the fact that everything is not easy with me with sex. He did not listen to me - he gagged my mouth again. Only this time it’s not a kiss at all.
When it was over, he left, muttering that we could have breakfast together. I sat on the bed and felt terrible devastation. As if I betrayed myself, committed violence against myself.
The next day, I felt overwhelmed and depressed. But my feelings for this guy have not gone anywhere. Yes, he acted harshly, selfishly last night. But I was so in love that I was ready to deceive and close my eyes to all his unpleasant qualities. I was worried, waiting for messages from him. He rarely wrote. In the end, I decided: enough, I’ll stop thinking about him. And then he showed up. He offered to meet at the same place as yesterday.
He knew that I had little sexual experience in the past and said, “Think
about the future, you need to train in order to have sex with other people later."
I waited for him for a long time, he still did not come. As a result, my patience ran out, frustrated, I returned to the hostel. And then he appeared - with an apology. And again we walked, chatted - everything was very romantic again. In my head, our relationship looked like a beautiful story from a book.
When he accompanied me to the hostel, I asked him not to get up - I explained that my friend had already come and was sleeping. He said, "Let's go to the bathroom." And again I allowed myself to be persuaded: I wanted to be with him a little longer. But everything became even worse than the day before - I was hurt and bad. I stopped him and said: "Sorry, I feel uncomfortable." He knew that I had little sexual experience in the past, and said: "Think about the future, you need to train in order to then have sex with other people." Of course, after that I told him to leave.
Oddly enough, my crush did not end there. Having already returned to Moscow, I began to think about him again, to justify his behavior that night. I told myself: he will not know that I am asexual, I will have sex with him if he wants to. For a while I was looking for a meeting with him. Once I even came to a party where he was definitely. But when he saw me, he just turned away. It hurt, but after that I realized: you should never try to remake yourself for the sake of someone. A person either loves you for who you are, or he simply does not need you, no matter how romantic your acquaintance may look.
You don't exist
Around the same time, a documentary video came out in which I talked about my asexuality. It was an international project: a series of short videos in which people with different sexual orientations and genders talked about themselves and what they have to face. I found an advertisement for a shoot in a public for asexuals and decided to participate. I was very scared: it seemed that after the release of this video no one would be interested in me. And yet I made up my mind: I wanted to tell people that it's okay not to want sex.
I was asked: "How do you look at being removed in underwear?" I really liked this idea. It is completely consistent with my concept: if you are asexual, it does not mean that there are some rules regarding your appearance. I like to be photographed in lingerie, I like to use makeup, I like to wear tight turtlenecks.People ask: "If you are not interested in sex, why do you need all this?" But who said beautiful photos and makeup are needed for sex?
I really liked the shooting. The director wasn't trying to make someone else out of me. He asked: “What are you? How do you see yourself? " Based on this, I selected the visual range. During the interview for the video, I talked about how guys stop communicating with me when they find out that I am asexual. As people do not believe me, they try to convince me that “there was no normal man”. The operator, having heard these stories, uttered a very correct phrase: “You might think that if you don’t give a fuck, you don’t exist”. This is what I felt. We made friends with him - he was very sensitive to my problems, he was upset and angry when I recalled various offensive incidents in my life.
People ask: “If you
not interested in sex, why do you need all this?"
But who said beautiful pictures
and makeup is needed for sex?
After filming, we continued to correspond. Once, when I was sitting at home and working, he stopped by - to chat, smoke a cigarette. Between times he said that he had broken up with the girl. It turned out that the last straw in their relationship was a video with my participation.
“You see, my girlfriend is for good,” said the operator. - Shoots a video about charity, about orphans. Seeing the video, she said that you are an absolute evil, that you manipulate the guys and dynamize them. " The girl demanded that he remove the video from his page, but he did not. As a result, they quarreled and parted. I was sad that I was indirectly related to their separation. But on the other hand, it's nice that my friend stood up for me and didn't delete the video. He said that all his acquaintances responded negatively about the video, called me sh **** and a dynamite. He was worried about this. Then I redirected to him all the pleasant messages that people from other countries sent me - let him see how other people reacted to the video, not only his acquaintances.
The video went viral, reaching 700,000 views in two weeks. They wrote to me from the Netherlands, Spain, Germany. They also wrote from Russia, although the reaction in the Russian-speaking segment of the Internet was ambiguous. For example, in the public of asexuals, one person wrote: "If she looks like that, then what does she expect - that they will read Pushkin with her?" It's strange: it would seem that if a person is sitting in the public of asexuals, he should understand that modesty and asexuality are completely different things.
One friend of mine, after watching the video, said: “This is terrible. What if some girl sees and decides that she is asexual? " I answered: if the girl is really asexual, then let it be better to understand this right away, and not to suffer for years. And if a person is not asexual, it is impossible to force it into him.
Photos: NARUEDOL - stock.adobe.com (1, 2, 3)