“He Said That If He Pressed Harder, I Would Break”: Anna Zosimova On Her Relationship With Petar Martic

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“He Said That If He Pressed Harder, I Would Break”: Anna Zosimova On Her Relationship With Petar Martic
“He Said That If He Pressed Harder, I Would Break”: Anna Zosimova On Her Relationship With Petar Martic

Video: “He Said That If He Pressed Harder, I Would Break”: Anna Zosimova On Her Relationship With Petar Martic

Video: Анна Зосимова и Петар Мартич расстались 2022, December
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Anna Zosimova and Petar Martich were one of the most famous couples among Moscow musicians. Now they have broken up - in an interview with Wonderzine, Anna says that this relationship was built on pressure, aggression and dependence. And how she managed to get out of them. The text describes verbal, physical and psychological abuse - please evaluate your strengths if they can be a trigger for you.

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Anton Danilov

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In the summer of 2017, I came to the Afisha Picnic festival from Kiev. Then I was engaged in the project "On the Face", it was very interesting for me to see the performances, how everything happens. Then I met Petar. We began to communicate, sympathy appeared.

In early September, I came to Moscow to see my only friend. I wanted to find a label and distributor to release my music. We talked and flirted with Petar then, and he offered to meet me at the station. Then he lured me to his house with an offer to drink coffee. When we entered the apartment, he took my suitcase and, without asking permission, carried it to the bedroom. Only now I realized that it was strange, but then I did not pay attention to it. I'm used to romantic gestures. I already felt that I was in love, and I was led by interesting events.

Once he told me that his first girlfriend made him angry in some way. Then he made her kneel down, put the barrel in her mouth and made her apologize

I didn’t go to see my friend, but stayed with Petar. He seemed perfect: Petar could not get away from me. It was strange because he is very attached to his friends, but at that moment he just scored at everyone. I only wanted to be with me.

But even then, some moments were embarrassing. In the summer of 2017, Petar hit Sonia, the ex-wife of the Pasosh guitarist Kirill Gorodny, in the face at the "Pain" festival. Before the concert, Sonya and her boyfriend were sorting out the relationship, Petar came up and told her: "Fuck off, we will be performing soon, and you take him out." And then he hit her.

Now I understand that it was necessary to pay attention to his friends. Petar's best friend is Roma Malbec, they have been friends since childhood. Everyone jokes that they are identical twins. In the fall, when we had just started our relationship, I first appeared at a concert of the "Pasosh" group. It was in the Aglomerat space. I stood on the second floor with Roman, and he told me various nasty things - for example, that I was led to the fame of Petar. I said: "Roma, get away from me," - turned around and went. I woke up already on the floor: it turned out that he rammed me with his head from acceleration. After the concert, Petar had a fight with Roman, and Roma told everyone that I had invented everything myself. Well, yes, I also drew a bruise on half of my face! Then I did not suspect anything, because my "knight" stood up for me. Then I found out that Petar and Roman have always had such a relationship.

I also realized that you need to pay attention to how the person talks about previous relationships. As a child, Petar carried a weapon with him - pneumatic, as I understand it. Where he studied, it was normal practice, and Petar tried to imitate it. Once he told me that his first girlfriend somehow made him angry. Then he forced her to kneel down, put the barrel in her mouth and made her apologize. His last girlfriend, he said, took antidepressants for a year after their breakup. He cheated on her, but she "was guilty because she behaved this way." I didn't attach any importance to it, because everything was great. He loved me, doted on my soul.

Six months after we met, we flew to Tel Aviv to rest. There Petar took pictures of me all the time. Once, without a second thought, while he was in the shower, I took his unlocked phone to send myself photographs in a telegram. And I saw his correspondence with some young ladies in their underwear.It turned out that he invited one of them to visit at three o'clock in the morning, when I was in Kiev. When I asked him about it, Petar told me that I was paranoid, crazy, and this is his girlfriend. I didn't know how to behave in such situations, so I believed it.

Upon arrival, we decided that it was very expensive and stressful for me to ride back and forth, from Moscow to Kiev and back. He suggested that I move to Moscow, where I had no one but him, Petar's only girlfriend and friends. He knew that in the summer of 2017 I quit my permanent job in Kiev and switched to freelance: I worked as a stylist, helped to produce the shooting. In Moscow, I had no one, and he took on financial obligations.

A couple of weeks after the move, I had my first episode of a panic attack. We came to the store, I wanted to buy wine. The alcohol department was on the second floor, and Petar suddenly started yelling at me: “Where did you go? I am not thirsty!” I replied that I was thirsty, but he shouted: “No, you do not understand! If I'm not thirsty, you won't either, because I pay for this wine. " I went nuts, I got a lump in my throat. I stood and said nothing, I just wanted to run away. Petar continued to press: “Why are you silent? I'm talking to you!"

This went on all the way home, I felt a huge injustice. I was in a foreign country, I had no friends, I had nowhere to run. I was so overwhelmed that I fainted. He got scared and ran to the pharmacy, where he bought some soothing tea. From a nervous strain, I lay in bed for three more days. He came to me, brought tea and said that I was looking exhausted. Petar, in principle, made very strange compliments. For example, he said that he liked my fragility and thinness. He pressed on the chest and said that if he pressed a little harder, then I would break. He also said that I am very beautiful when I cry.

The second episode happened a couple of weeks later, when he, going on tour, left me five thousand rubles for ten days. I said that this money is not enough for me. He asked: “Where are you going to go? You have one friend, you can take the bus to her.” When I said that I did not agree with this, he just spat in my face. I have never felt so humiliated in my life.

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Then I made the first attempt to get out of this relationship and moved in with a friend. Petar begged to return, fell to his knees. When he found out that I had moved out, he immediately sent me the money. I hoped that everything would be fine, I did not believe that this person could turn out to be bad. But my body gave me signals: after these two episodes, I began to choke, I could not sleep. When I went to bed with Petar, I got a lump in my throat. I thought I had lung problems, but when we broke up, they left.

I started to live in paranoia. I didn't realize that I was in a codependent relationship. Everyone around me said: “This is tough, it’s impossible, leave before it’s too late,” but I could not do anything. I was financially dependent on him, I lived in his apartment. I was angry, but I continued to believe that everything would be fine. That he will change as promised.

I stopped doing my music project because he didn't like it. He thought that this is not my image, that I have shitty music

I constantly checked his phone: I wanted nothing there, so that I could trust him again. But every time I found invitations to other girls there. I saw him flirting. But he said that since he was cheating on the previous girl, he could not quickly rebuild - this is how he explained these correspondence to me.

I stopped doing my music project "On the Face" because he didn't like it. He believed that this was not my image, that I was actually different. That I had shitty music. He instilled in me uncertainty, because he has more experience, he is better known than me.

Then I began to notice that he could not stand my brightness: he did not like how I looked, how I behaved.He constantly said that I put on makeup "like a f *** ing" or dressed up "like an aunt." He asked why I wear heels. I stopped understanding where I am, who I am. I forgot who I was before - a bright, successful person. I have none of this left.

Petar had problems with aggression. During a quarrel, he could kick cabinets or doors. Or tossing the phone, throwing something off the table. I was scared. At such moments, I was afraid to even say something to him. I also had bouts of agoraphobia (fear of open spaces. - Approx. ed.), which also began in this relationship. For example, I could not go to shopping centers: I was covered, I started having panic attacks. I still can't stay in Aviapark.

In the summer of 2018, at the Bol festival, Petar performed with Jump the Pussy. They imitated scenes from the movie "The Hunger Games", he smashed the table with a club and injured his finger. We were returning home, and he asked how I was performing. I answered honestly: it seemed to me that they needed to prepare, rehearse. In response, he started yelling at me and grabbing me. I tried to run away, but he caught up with me and pressed me to the asphalt. I didn't know what to do, how to break free. The only thing that came to my mind, since he is physically stronger than me, was to twist his finger, which he had injured. In the end, he apologized, but I turned out to be guilty in the eyes of my friends. Like, I was such a fucking ***** me that I almost broke his finger.

In the fall, he promised me to go to therapy - after one day I almost jumped out the window. Petar was ill, he had stomach problems. That day, I specifically woke up with him at seven in the morning to go to the hospital for a gastroscopy. He began to accuse me that I was going slowly and because of me he was late. I locked myself in the bathroom to gather myself in silence and quickly. I already knew that in such situations it is better to just be silent: one word - and Petar begins to destroy everything. But he decided that I was showing disrespect, avoiding dialogue. Knocked down the door and grabbed me. I broke free. At that moment I was so scared that the only way to hide from him seemed to go out the window. I broke the glass with both hands, one shard stuck in my wrist. In the end, we went to the hospital together: he - for gastroscopy, and I - to sew up the wound.

After that I moved out, I wanted to be away from this place. Petar cried and fell at his feet, shouting that he was terribly guilty. That he will go to therapy, that we can and will overcome. And then I had a ray of hope. I asked all my friends about psychotherapists, offered Petar different options, but he didn't like anyone. A week after my return, there was no talk of a psychotherapist. “I don’t want to, they are all idiots. My grandparents and my mother did not go to the therapist and grew up as normal people,”he said.

At the same time, different people told that they met Petar with other girls. They wrote to me on Instagram that they saw him with others on the tour. Petar said that they just envy him. When I was sent pictures of him hugging other girls, he said that "these are just fans who hang themselves on a star." I myself could not see women next to him. Once I saw that some girl was hanging on Petar. I pushed her roughly - that is, I also used physical violence.

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The work on our album together was terrible. Zhenya Gorbunov (musician - Approx. ed.) and our vocal teacher were witnesses: Petar did not take any of my comments. He said that I was a stupid fool, that I did not understand anything. And in the end, everyone advised him the same thing as me. Initially, it was my project, I wanted to make chanson. I argued with him, and he could knock down doors, yell that I was nobody, and he had twenty-six albums. He said that I do not sing well, and he is a star. The vocal teacher encouraged me, wrote after class so that I would not pay attention to Petar. This helped me not to quit the project, but to finish it.After we performed at “VEU” (Moscow party “Evening of aesthetic pleasures”. - Approx. ed.), he told me that everyone was laughing at me because of my height, that I was too tall. At the concert in Tsvetnoy, of course, I was no longer wearing heels.

We drove in forty-degree heat up the highway. I fell off my bike. Wounded hands, knees, was covered in blood. But Petar demanded that I ride my bike further

In the summer of 2019, we were vacationing in Croatia, where Petar's relatives live. We rode bicycles, and he didn't like that I was riding slowly. He called me a fool and said that because of me we would not make it anywhere. We were driving in forty-degree heat up the highway, and physically I could not go faster. I started having a panic attack and fell off my bike. Wounded hands, knees, was covered in blood. But Petar demanded that I continue on my bike, although he could call my father or uncle to come to pick us up by car. Finally, catch a ride. Then I already knew that I would leave him.

Petar often blamed me for what he did himself. For example, he could go home, and then yell that he left because of me, but he himself seemed to want to stay. I could say that he is sad or bad because I hate his friends. This happened in the fall of 2019 in Berlin, where Petar was on tour. I came there for the weekend, we walked. Then Petar wanted to go home because he was tired. On the way home, he started yelling at me that he actually wanted to stay. That I hate his friends, that I am spiteful. I tried to calm him down and said that he was angry with himself, and this pissed him off even more.

This continued the next day. In the subway, I had a severe panic attack: it seemed to me that I was going to die. I remember how Petar left me on the bench, ran to some pharmacy and brought something like valerian. I was in complete prostration, but he still dragged me to the Bauhaus exhibition. An hour and a half later, he began to finish me off. He said that I was walking slowly, that I could not buy a poster from at shop because I didn’t want to see it in the house.

When I arrived in Moscow, I tried to leave again. Petar returned from the tour, cried, again promised to go to therapy. I realized that we had already gone through this, but it did not work to leave even then. I knew that sooner or later it would happen, but I could not make up my mind.

We finished the album, then the pandemic began. There were no concerts at that moment, and Petar felt unsuccessful and unpopular. He lashed out at me, defiantly neglected me. In the summer of 2020, I felt like a dog.

All this time I did not understand: why? How do I live, what do I need to be for everything to be normal? He had extremely conservative views on relationships, his favorite word is "obey." That is, he wanted me to obey him, respect him, give him complete freedom and at the same time do everything around the house. At the same time, he demanded that I go to a permanent job and we invest in the budget in half. In the last year, he has told me that he wants an open relationship. It didn’t fit in my head, I was against it.

I felt scared that I was not living my life, that it would always be like this. I began to think that I could still leave. Then I was responsible not only for myself, but also for the dog: during our relationship, we got a Shiba Inu. Seeing Petar hitting the cabinets, she was frightened and simply did not go outside. I was scared that at some point we might have children. I recalled the experience of my friend, who was also going through a breakup then, it was hell.

That summer, Petar went to St. Petersburg to record an album. I began to see my friends, to understand that life without him still exists. Then I came to him, and Petar behaved as if nothing had happened. True, it turned out that even when I was there, he managed to cheat on me. Upon arrival from St. Petersburg, he practically did not appear at home, every day he drank until four in the morning, forgot the keys.I woke up in horror from the calls to the intercom, and from the doorway he annoyed me with interrogations: “What kind of sour face? Are you dissatisfied with something? " One day I told him that I was not satisfied with such a relationship, to which he replied that he wanted even more freedom and respect. We quarreled, and I went to see a friend out of town. When I returned the next day, I found him at four o'clock in the afternoon sleeping with fumes and suction on his neck. Only then did I finally decide to leave. I no longer believed that something would change.

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After parting, I went to my friends. Petar tracked me down, came to the house where I spent the night. He said that no one would appreciate me for who I am. That no one will love me the way he does. That we should grow old together and raise our grandchildren. It was unbearable. The hardest time in my life. My nervous system was exhausted. He did not give me a day to calm down: he came, brought some toys for the dog, fell on his knees. I felt scared for my life, and I left for Kiev for two months.

As with codependent relationships, my brain started looking for loopholes to get back. I wanted to save Petar with my love. When he got drunk, I cooked chicken broth for him in the morning. When he had bouts of stomach ulcers, he drank handfuls of pills and went out to hang out again, and I cooked steam cutlets for him. Once on New Year's, he drank almost a liter of some sixty-degree tincture. I warned him that he shouldn't do that, but he gagged me in front of everyone. Then he had a hellish attack of ulcers.

I was ready to crawl on my knees and beg to be with me. Sometimes I texted him and then blocked him. She blamed, then she was offended

At nine in the morning on January 1, I went to look for a working pharmacy. When I returned, I went to sleep in another room - and he was very offended by me for the fact that he himself had to bear responsibility for his act and call an ambulance to give him an injection.

After parting with Petar, I realized that all this time I lived in double standards. Petar said that I was terrible because I violate his boundaries and read his correspondence. But he did the same: he constantly took my phone and read messages. When I complained about the abuse to a friend, Petar told me, they say, how can I tell strangers such personal things? Petar wanted to perform at a festival that is entirely dedicated to the fight against domestic violence (we are talking about the festival “Not to blame.” - Approx. ed.). At the same time, the guys from the group knew how he treated me, saw how he hit Kirill's ex-wife.

A bout of codependency hit me in November. My hands were shaking, I was hysterical. It seemed to me that a piece of my body had been torn away from me. I was ready to crawl on my knees and beg to be with me. Sometimes I texted him and then blocked him. She blamed, then offended, and then admitted that she was to blame for everything. It was a real swing. I drank handfuls of sedatives. But at the same time, I learned to deal with it. The therapist told me that I have a strong defense mechanism because I was able to get out of this relationship. That I acted correctly even without therapy.

Several practices helped me to cope. I used one of them when I had thoughts that I needed to return, that everything could work out again. At this moment, you need to overpower yourself and remember the terrible feelings, emotions and events that happened to you because of this person. It saves. I was also helped by books: “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood, “Doesn't hit, just hurts” by Patricia Evans and “Choose love. How to Beat Codependency”by Robert Hemfelt, Paul Mayer and Frank Miniert.

When you do not believe in yourself and it seems to you that nothing good will happen in life, you can estimate what needs this person was covering. And say: “We parted. I say goodbye to him, but I do not say goodbye to the whole world. " That is, to realize that these needs are not the whole world, there is something else. You are much more than your pain.

Anyone who wants to get out of a codependent relationship, I would like to prepare for a difficult one. They said to me: “They knock out a wedge with a wedge! Find yourself a dude, get distracted. " No, no and NO! I was depressed for several months with thoughts of suicide, and this pain was impossible to survive. I remembered and replayed every day, all the moments when I was terrible. I remembered how I had to lie on the asphalt near the bicycle, how they spat in my face, how scared I was. But I realized the main thing: you need to suffer and not blame yourself for what happened. It is very important not to spread rot on yourself for being out of shape, you should not always be positive, you should not have to hide your problems.

I also realized that when parting, it is important to surround yourself with the most non-toxic people, not to fall into another addiction. My friend Suzanne was in touch with me, another friend advised a therapist, the third helped financially and paid for the first course of sessions. When I had panic attacks, I went to sleep with one of my friends. After the New Year, I immediately went to therapy - and now I can say that my pain and resentment have passed. I don't blame myself, I don't blame him. I'm just scared that this could happen to someone who is not as strong inwardly as I am.

Active, bright girls with humor are rarely spared. It is believed that the victim should be meek, cry. And I go to parties, post photos from there. Does this mean that I am not feeling emotion?

For a long time I lived in complete tin, but this experience taught me a lot. Now, with the help of a therapist, I am learning to get used to good things. When you get used to the traumatic experience, it becomes difficult to enter into a normal relationship later. Now I communicate with one guy, and he treats me well. I'm not expecting a trick, but it's still hard for me to get used to the fact that I don't need to obey, be silent and be comfortable to be loved.

We are not communicating now. We tried to communicate about the dog, but it seemed to me that Petar didn't care. Several times he expressed a desire to see her, but never saw her. The dog stayed with me.

photos: photo 1 - Yana Davydova, photo 2, 3 - Semyon Zemskov, cover and photo 4 - Sasha Mademuaselle

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