The child from the first marriage and possible problems in the future when communicating with him. The article will discuss how to properly build relationships with children from previous relationships with maximum correctness and tact. Children from a first marriage are a serious test even for those people who, wanting to create a new family, themselves have a child from a former partner. The ability to get along with fidgets alone is not enough to gain confidence in the little man. In many cases, he is not ready to share the attention of a dad or mom who decided to radically change their personal life. In such a situation, it is necessary to understand the sometimes painful question of what tactics of behavior is better to choose when communicating with a child who is not born in blood, whose parent is a loved one.
Features of the behavior of a child from a first marriage after meeting
Before developing tactics for dealing with a baby or adolescent who was born in a previous relationship, you should be prepared for the following consequences of the alleged contact:
- Complete disregard on the part of the child … This is especially possible with the factor when a small person is in a state of deep shock due to the separation of his parents. If a third object-destroyer of family happiness appears on the horizon of beloved dad or mom, then children may defiantly not make contact with him. They will not understand the origins of the problem, because they have not yet learned to give a clear justification for the causal factors that have arisen.
- Explicit aggression in a child … Not all children are able to control their own emotional state at a certain stage of their development. Any stranger in the family becomes an unconscious signal of a threat to their established little world. Some young rebels begin to aggressively attack the factor that irritates them so actively that they will not give a single chance to the new chosen one of their parent.
- Step brother / sister jealousy … When creating a new family, where there are already children from previous relationships, adults should prepare for a time bomb. Not every child will immediately find a common language with a peer who, for some reason, did not like it. In the voiced case, adults artificially try to make their children from previous marriages bosom friends. The result is a rather predictable "pillow fight" clearly not in the format of a girl's party between unwilling new relatives. The situation is even more complicated if one of the stepchildren is significantly younger in age. After all, it is known that the little ones need more attention, so the elder sometimes feels undeservedly forgotten, jealous and angry. Situations are not uncommon when he begins to act quietly, committing petty dirty deeds on behalf of the younger.
- Rejection of an emerging child in a new marriage … The previous problem can be brought to a critical point if the adored dad or mom has another baby in a new relationship. Not always, even one hundred percent blood-related brother or sister evokes affection when the attention of adults after his birth is switched exclusively to a small object of adoration. In this case, elementary jealousy and a feeling that there has been a betrayal in favor of the born baby is triggered.
- Drawing too much attention to yourself … If peace and complete mutual understanding reign in the family, then it simply does not make sense for children to resort to the announced measures. Sometimes their silent cry is not seen by adults who are too keen on the arrangement of their personal life. Children sometimes do not know how to behave in this situation, and begin to give obvious SOS signals to their parents in all possible ways.
- Explicit provocations by the child … If the voiced cries for help are not heard by dads and mothers who are absorbed in new relationships, then children from cute angels can turn into dirty tricks and manipulators. At any time of the day, they are ready to organize a critical situation for them, which in most cases is artificially created.
- Involvement of a third stakeholder in the conflict … If the couple disperses in the presence of a common child, then let the adults then not be surprised at the complaints of the offspring about the new hobby of the parents. At the same time, the principle of "servants of two masters" can work, when a small provocateur from the current situation will try to get the maximum benefit, actively using the feeling of guilt before him in his favor. Quite often, parents begin to "load up" the child in order to somehow brighten up his shock from what is happening. As a result, this leads to significantly growing demands, whims and blackmail on the part of the "offended". Children are very sensitive to such situations, trying to get the maximum benefit in their favor. This is especially true for adolescents.
- Involvement in public quarrels … After connecting to the unfolding battles of the close circle, when an outsider aunt or uncle appeared on the horizon of one of the parents, children stung by these events can start battles of a more massive scale. They will appreciate the opinion of every adult who is able to condemn what is happening with a small victim, whose psyche is seriously traumatized.
- Child deviant behavior … The apotheosis of the voiced problem can be precisely this factor, which quite often has an extremely negative effect on the further fate of children from their first marriage. Misunderstanding and outright selfishness of adults who forget about their child in search of new happiness never go without consequences for the participants in the upcoming family drama.
It cannot be unconditionally affirmed the fact that communication with children from the first marriage will end in just such a deplorable way. It all depends on adults, who, with the help of acquired wisdom, must build communication with the child in such a situation with the utmost prudence.
Errors when communicating with a child from a first marriage
Some people, considering themselves experienced teachers, while not even having their own children, often make such mistakes when contacting a partner's child:
- Familiarity … Communication in the "shirt-guy" style does not always justify itself when it comes to children from the first bad experience of a relationship between a man and a woman. The wrong decision would be to erase age boundaries when meeting and further communicating with the son or daughter of a new lover. In this case, it is necessary to observe the appropriate subordination, which, however, should not develop into stiffness and excessive coldness.
- Club "I want to know everything" … You should not, from the very first moments of dialogue with a new family member, elicit from him all the details of what is happening to him. Such actions can, at best, alert the little interrogated, and at worst, cause him aggression with such tactlessness on the part of an outsider. A child of his own by blood is not always ready to open up, what can we say for the one who considers the new partner of the parent to be the destroyer of their happy family. And in general, there are children who are not ready to let anyone into their inner world except a close friend or mother.
- Propagation with gifts … At the first prospective contact with a child from a previous marriage, you can prepare a small present for him, having learned in advance about the preferences of a new acquaintance. In the future, you should be more careful about systematic offerings in a more serious monetary equivalent at the slightest request of a small extortionist. All this from the outside will not look like an act of a generous person, but an outright bribery of feelings on the part of an adult who has invaded someone else's (albeit destroyed) family. If you continue to regularly appease the little tyrant with gifts, in the end it will lead to extreme spoiling and relationships exclusively at the consumer level.
- Invalid comparison … This situation implies the presence of children in a previous relationship with both partners in the resulting pair. Experts strongly advise against belittling the dignity of one child in relation to another, even if such a comparison is obvious and reasoned.
- Excessive activity of adults … Worse than coaxing a child from a first marriage with gifts, there may be increased fussiness around him on the part of the new chosen one of one of his parents. In some cases, overly entrepreneurial individuals try to surround such children with maximum care, which sometimes looks very ridiculous. An exception is a toddler or teenager who has become a half-orphan and needs heightened care and support at first. And even in this case, one must act extremely carefully, trying to respect the boundaries of personal space at first.
- Candid answers to children's questions … This time of maturation of the human personality does not imply a conversation on equal terms between an adult and a child. Earning authority in this way with a small interlocutor is not a worthy occupation that does not paint an already established personality.
Note! Communication with a child from a first marriage will not require much effort from someone who is able to properly organize a voiced event. At the same time, an adult should be ready to stop in time at the slightest force majeure, when contact with the daughter or son of the new chosen one clearly did not work out.
How to behave correctly with a child from a previous marriage
First of all, it is necessary to remember that it is easy to break an unformed little personality. However, this does not do honor to adults who are engaged in such experiments. It is sometimes quite difficult to establish adequate communication with a child from a first marriage, but with a positive result, you can gain a lot of positive emotions from the event.
Establishing contact with the wife's child from the first marriage
According to statistics, men in some cases are more difficult to solve the voiced problem. The wife's child from his first marriage sometimes confuses even dads with the experience of raising their own children with their questions and behavior.
Psychologists, understanding all the problematic nature of the situation sounded, have developed a number of recommendations for its painless resolution:
- Inviolability of personal territory … An outsider is more difficult for children who have become victims of either the divorce of their parents, or the death of their dad, in the past. This is especially true for boys who jealously defend their mother from the encroachment on her of strangers of the stronger sex. In this case, everything depends on the age of the child, because during infancy, he is not able to realize the changes that have occurred in his family. If a man wants to link his fate with a woman who is raising a teenager, then he needs to respect his, even if not fully formed, life position.
- Maximum tact in dealing with a new wife … The times of demonstrative manifestation of mutual feelings in front of the entire public have passed when the couple acquired offspring. A man, when meeting and further contacting the children of his passion from his first marriage, should understand that at first it may be unpleasant for them to watch the idyll shown by the newly formed couple. In this case, a representative of the stronger sex needs to show maximum diplomacy, so as not to injure a small person who has already suffered from the mistakes of adults with incorrect behavior. To put it simply, the maximum allowable affection is a hug with a child. Kisses, pinching on the ass and other intimate caresses should remain outside the doors of the parent's bedroom.
- Positive example method … Every man, if he decided to start a serious relationship with a woman who already has a child / children from a previous marriage, should carefully consider his further behavior towards them. There are no ideal people, but self-sufficient individuals always live not for show, but according to generally established ethical principles. It is important to demonstrate to a child or teenager what it means to comply with the laws of morality, if he was not taught this by the biological unfortunate father.
- Reasoned financial support … As already mentioned, it is not worth pampering a child from a first marriage in terms of unreasonable investments. However, in many cases, a man falls in love with a woman with an existing offspring, whose family is extremely strapped for money. It is not necessary to bribe a child from a first marriage, but it will not hurt to make him feel a strong male shoulder in terms of some pocket expenses.
- General hobbies and joint leisure … This is especially true if there is a boy in the family. An adult new man should try to spend time with him so that there is an opportunity to talk frankly, to clarify all controversial issues, and also to convince the child that his intentions towards his mother are the best. Joint leisure will only further unite the new family. At the same time, it is advisable to choose such types of entertainment where it will be interesting to everyone.
Note! At first, it is advisable not to drink alcohol at all, especially if the child's father had a row in the past in front of his eyes in a drunken stupor. Associations that will arise in the subconscious even if a man drinks quite a bit will not allow accepting a new family member. In it, the child will intuitively feel danger, expect that drunken antics will begin again soon.
Finding points of contact with the husband's child from his first marriage
The opinion that a woman can easily find a common language with the baby or teenager of her beloved is not always true. It is quite difficult for some ladies to overcome the feeling of jealousy, if initially by nature they are one hundred percent owners.
The following recommendations of specialists will help to eliminate this negative feeling and establish contact with the child of the new chosen one:
- Minimum questions with maximum information … Women's importunity is good only when catching fleas, which has been proven more than once by life practice. However, no one forbade the use of some trick in this case in order to unobtrusively find out some of the details that relate to a new little acquaintance. In no case should you ask him about his mother, who is unlikely to enjoy such an interrogation with addiction. Another exception to the rule is the child or children of the husband from the first marriage after the betrayal of their parent or her tragic death.
- Don't try to replace a parent … In situations in which a man, for one reason or another, brings up offspring alone, a woman needs to take her place. You should not try to become a native from the first minutes. You just need to show yourself as a caring mistress in order to win over the children. There is a time for everything, over time, if they wish, they will be able to treat their father's new wife as if they were their own mother.
- Well-organized leisure time … Every woman, if she has a certain baggage of worldly wisdom, can find an approach to the native blood of her beloved. An analysis of the preferences of the child of the new chosen one will help her in this, after which she can act according to the developed plan. It is necessary in a very correct form to offer him to spend entertaining free time, at the same time naming a previously recognized hobby or a favorite institution as an option. You can also take on certain activities, for example, those to which the child has long wanted to go, but could not, since dad is at work. In this case, there will be enough time and in order to get to know each other better without the influence and gaze of the father or other household members.
- Tactics of correct tactile contact … In this case, you need to be extremely careful in touching, stroking the head and patting the child of a loved one from a previous marriage on the shoulder. Some of the children will perceive such actions indifferently, while others they are able to introduce into a state of a nervous and even aggressive state. For starters, you can only hug lightly on holidays, on other significant occasions. Over time, the caress will quite calmly develop into kisses, strong hugs. It's just that each person needs time to get used to new people, and even more so for children. Especially if they had a wonderful mother, but she disappeared / died or for other reasons no longer participates in their life.
How to behave with children from your first marriage - watch the video:
Adopting a child from a first marriage in many cases is a difficult issue for new chosen ones and people with a failed personal life. However, you should carefully consider all the prospects for the development of such a relationship so as not to inflict another mental trauma on the children of a potential partner. The main thing in this case is to begin to establish contact with the child only on the condition that the adults have decided to tie their destiny, and are not busy with a temporary hobby for each other.
