Emotional abuse in families is quite common. How to recognize it, what consequences for the victim may be, and also how to save yourself - this will be discussed in the article. Emotional (psychological) violence in the family is a form of influencing the emotions or psyche of a partner through intimidation, threats, insults, criticism, condemnation, and the like. According to the majority of scientists, such actions should be carried out on a regular basis. Many women highlight this effect as the most painful side of relationships in the family or just with a partner, which gives rise to a feeling of helplessness and oppression.
Causes of Emotional Domestic Violence
Of course, nothing arises from scratch. Any action has its reasons, as well as its consequences. Sometimes one of the following factors can work as a detonator, but most often their action is observed in aggregate, which provokes the development of events according to a certain pattern.
Most of the reasons lie, first of all, in the man. The key ones include:
- Psychological weakness … And due to the effects on the emotions and psyche of the wife, the husband tries to assert himself.
- Mental disorder … It manifests itself as narcissism, borderline states, sociopathy. The reason may be actually suffered psychological trauma. Although quite often, emotional violence against women is carried out by quite wealthy men with a happy childhood.
- The need for self-affirmation … Low self-esteem can lead to psychological abuse of a partner.
- Communication problems … Lack of education or inability to express one's thoughts often does not allow achieving stability in family relations with the help of words, normal communication.
- Past experience … The upbringing and development of a husband as a man in a specific environment can contribute to violence. And not only in conditions of a negative or rude attitude towards oneself. But also when he was raised in permissiveness, extolling his apparent or perceived virtues. As a result, a person feels his (often contrived) superiority over other people. Of course, the relationship in the family of the man himself, when he was still a child, also plays an important role. After all, children tend to build their adult relationships in the image and likeness of their parents.
- Self-realization at the expense of sacrifice … A banal desire for power at least (or including) in the family. As well as uncertainty about the strength and stability of family relationships.
Key Signs of Emotional Domestic Abuse
There are quite a few signs of this type of influence on the personality (from one and a half to two dozen). All of them can be divided into three large groups, which can also be characterized as forms of violence.
Verbal emotional aggression in the family
Its shape is perhaps the most striking and aggressive. In addition, it can be easily identified, even after a short conversation with the tyrant.
The main features are:
- Criticism … Rough or caustic assessment of a woman's shortcomings, both in private and in the presence of strangers. For example, offensive remarks about the figure, manner of dress, mental ability, and so on. Such statements can be accompanied by insults, but they can be without them.
- Contempt … Negative statements about a woman's work, her hobbies, beliefs, religious views. A derogatory assessment of homework, childcare, and more.
- Despotism … The man uses an arrogant tone in communication, instead of requests - orders and instructions.
- Humiliation … Addressing a woman using offensive words. For example, "hey you …" or other similar statements. Constant direct insults for no reason (meaning, not even during a scandal or other stressful situation).
- Verbal bullying … These can be threats of a ban on communication with children, beatings or other physical violence against the woman herself or her loved ones, including children, of a sexual nature. Quite often, emotional abuse manifests itself in the fact that men threaten to commit suicide. In all cases, a detailed description of the actions can be added to enhance the effect.
This also includes accusations of their own or family failures, shifting responsibility for everything that happened exclusively to the wife.
All of these actions, as a rule, have one specific goal: to cause a feeling of resentment, irritation, and in some cases, a sense of guilt in the victim.
Dominant Behavior in Emotional Domestic Violence
The fact that a man is a leader is absolutely indisputable. However, some of them need to prove to themselves daily that they are the main ones.
You can identify a tyrant man by the following signs in behavior towards a partner:
- Communication ban … The deprivation of the opportunity to contact relatives, friends, work colleagues in their free time. For this purpose, the telephone can be seized in one way or another, and obstacles to the use of other means of communication can be created. For example, via the Internet (Skype, social networks, etc.). A man can deprive his wife of the opportunity to use family or personal transport (take away the rights, keys, drain gas from the tank, and so on). Destruction or damage to property (phone, clothing, car, and so on), including in some cases his own, is also part of the tyrant's usual “circle of duties”.
- Surveillance … Here, the range of actions depends on the technical and material capabilities of the man. Starting from the banal check of messages and the list of calls in the mobile, e-mail through regular access and ending with the use of such means as wiretapping, installing special software on a personal computer, tablet, smartphone. Covert video surveillance (or vice versa, open surveillance) can also be used. And even in special cases, the husband can hire people to control his wife's behavior and communication outside the home.
- Permanent presence … The husband does not leave his wife alone, he always strives to be with her. At the same time, he can simply be silent and go about his business. For example, reading a book, talking on the phone.
- Restriction on contact with the outside world … It happens that the husband establishes his dominance by prohibiting or in some other way preventing the woman from working or engaging in some kind of activity outside the home. In addition, in order to leave the house for some of her needs, the wife must obtain her husband's permission.
- Assigning the role of breadwinner … There is a situation, and vice versa, when the wife is charged with the responsibility to fully provide for the family financially. At the same time, the husband may not work or earn minimal earnings, but the number of reproaches and rude attitude from him comes constantly.
- Abstinence … One of the manifestations of dominant behavior can be considered the deliberate disregard of the wife sexually.
In addition to these signs of emotional abuse, expressed through domination, there may also be complete control over all financial issues. However, some experts in psychology and family issues distinguish this behavior in a separate category - financial abuse.
Other forms of emotional abuse in the family
Jealousy, which manifests itself in constant accusations of adultery. This will be closely intertwined with some of the violent behaviors from the first and second groups. The husband's strict control over his wife's contacts at work, in his free time and even at home, regular questioning, reminiscent of an interrogation (where she was, with whom, who can confirm, and the like). Often, all these manifestations of behavior are completely unreasonable, the wife does not give a reason, but she regularly hears reproaches and accusations against her.
Some experts identify another form of influence on the psyche of a loved one, similar to domination - manipulation. This form of influence is milder, but at the same time it has the same goal that is characteristic of the previous three forms - the subordination of the feelings and actions of the wife to his personal convictions. In this case, "quiet" emotional abuse occurs, the signs are difficult to recognize, because all actions on the part of the husband occur secretly and fully consciously.
The following characteristic features will indicate this:
- Bragging … Self-glorification of the husband and exaltation of his qualities, achievements over those of his wife.
- Oppression … Provoking the wife's feelings of guilt for the slightest oversight.
- Demanding admiration … Flattery and ostentatious praise from his wife in order to evoke the same actions in his address in response.
- Pressure … From the previous point, the following occurs: lies and hypocrisy, withholding of specific information, information in order to make the wife worry, show nervousness and do something in exchange for providing complete information.
Despite the fact that in different situations almost every man can do any of the above, not always such actions can be qualified as emotional abuse in a relationship. Moreover, there are quite definite signs of a psychological rapist.
The mechanism of development of psychological violence in the family
In general, violence is a rather complex psychological process. Very often its initial stage is not noticed by either the rapist himself or his victim. Indeed, as a rule, in a young (recently formed) family, both partners are under the influence of strong emotions, absorbed in sensory experiences in relation to each other. This is especially true of women as romantic and emotional natures compared to men.
However, when the feeling of euphoria of the newlyweds passes, sometimes minor disagreements and reproaches begin, which give a start to the further development of the stages of violence:
- Removal from the pedestal … Accusations in the style of "you are not like that", "you are not so". Constant remarks of this kind should be alarming, but many women still feel in love or, under the influence of upbringing, strive to please their husband, which, in turn, only intensifies the attacks from the other half. Emotional violence begins to escalate without resistance. This stage lasts on average up to six months. Gradually, a woman's self-esteem changes, she becomes disoriented and projects a negative image onto herself, imposed by her husband. After that, the next stage begins.
- Active pressing … The transition from "you are not like that" to "you are a complete insignificance", arousing feelings of guilt. At the same time, constant nagging not only continues, but also intensifies. The woman no longer doubts that she is doing something wrong. She is already just sure of it. She begins to look for reasons in herself, tries to change her behavior, to please her husband, but her condition is only oppressed by new reproaches.
- Complete submission … At the next stage, a woman is firmly convinced and self-convinced that she, as a person and a wife, is a complete insignificance and a failure. And if a psychological rapist demonstrates dominant behavior, limiting contact with friends and relatives, then the feeling of guilt only increases. After indulging the desires of her husband, the wife feels that by breaking off old friendships and contacts with relatives, she is committing treason. Moreover, when trying to tell the other half about her experiences, the woman is subjected to even more pressure and the belief that she is acting mean and disgusting. This is followed by a fracture.
- Breakpoint … This is a state where the wife as a person is completely disoriented and crushed. She is completely deprived of the ability to give a sober assessment of her actions, she is ready to completely come under the control of her rapist husband. During this period, in order to completely subordinate the victim to his will, a man can periodically show participation, be affectionate, express feelings similar to those that were before or at the very beginning of marriage. This will become the carrot that will not allow the wife to leave her husband, even if there was such an intention. And under the influence of all this, and also often under the influence of upbringing and public opinion, a woman acquires a firm conviction that it is better to have a bad marriage than to be alone. Of course, such a "thaw" will be followed by a new stage of humiliation and domination.
Against the background of such emotional upheavals, psychological disorders develop, which often provoke physical ones (diseases of internal organs on a nervous basis, exacerbation of chronic diseases).
Important! The abuser often behaves with others in an extremely courteous manner, he hides his true nature. Therefore, often even the girl's family does not believe her, does not support the desire to leave the "ideal" son-in-law. The consequences of such pressure can be dire.
Traits of a psychological aggressor in the family
People who are prone to moral violence of loved ones seek to control their relatives (of course, those who are weaker). They differ in the following character traits: jealousy, a tendency to frequent unreasonable mood swings, suspicion, lack of self-control, a tendency to justify aggression or violence towards anyone in general.
Psychological abusers have the ability to attract to their side not only friends or strangers, but even relatives of the victim (wife). In addition, sometimes these men may suffer from some kind of personality disorder.
It should be noted that initially the relationship with the future rapist resembles a "Hollywood melodrama":
- Ideal relationship … From the very first dates, the partner behaves as if he has been waiting for this particular girl all his life. He tells how special she is, how she perfectly understands him, that he just never met him better.
- Rapid development of events … Literally after a very short period of time, the guy proposes to go into a serious relationship in order to spend as much time as possible together. Gradually, lovers delve into their relationships so deeply that they completely forget about communicating with friends. And after that, the guy offers to sign or start living together.
- Gradual build-up of pressure … As soon as the girl moves or falls deeply in love, the partner gradually begins to manipulate her. He controls calls, meetings. Shows how unpleasant her absence was to him. Sometimes he blackmails her with phrases like “I missed you a lot while you were gone”, “Is our family really not as important to you as meeting friends”, “We are so good together, but what else do we need to be happy?”.
- Full control … After a while, the girl herself no longer understands when she can laugh. After all, the guy thinks the film is sad, and she is obliged to be sad too. You can not express your opinion, distinguishable from his. After all, she was erected on a pedestal of perfection, so it is necessary to correspond.
- Blackmail … If a girl suddenly tries to get out of control, she is usually reminded of a difficult childhood, problems with parents, past grievances. Thus, the partner evokes feelings of guilt, a desire to repent and return.
Results and consequences of emotional abuse
The physical health disorders mentioned above may not exist. However, psychologically, problems cannot be avoided. Victims of emotional abuse that lasted a long time, as a rule, experience depression, a state of post-traumatic (psychological trauma) stress, constant or periodic, but frequent feelings of anxiety and fear.
Suicide attempts are not ruled out either. A syndrome of emotional dependence appears, an over-need for love. Against the background of a feeling of self-doubt, neglect of one's own needs can arise.
Alcohol and even drug addiction often develops in women victims of psychological violence.
Psychological violence in the family and on children, if any, is reflected. After all, they regularly observe a frightened mother, who is under constant control. As discussed among the reasons, children tend to build their future families on those principles of a victim-abuser relationship. And part of the younger generation will obey meekly in adulthood, and the second will become a rapist herself.
The consequences of such a relationship for children cannot always be completely eliminated. Therefore, it is worth knowing how to resist and prevent their causes.
Features of confronting emotional abuse in the family
Knowing how to fight back is not enough. It is necessary to find the strength to do this. Every woman is able to protect herself from such influences. An exception can be made only in those cases when, due to some national or social traditions, such a model of relations is the norm.
You can act in stages like this:
- Detailed analysis … First of all, you need to carefully and extremely honestly analyze your relationship with your husband, remember all the forms and signs of psychological abuse and be able to admit that they appear regularly (if this is really the case). In addition, you need to remember about their consequences for the victim herself. A woman should think soberly and realistically. If the husband deceived or did not change his behavior after one time, then the same will follow.
- Opening eyes to relatives … You cannot pretend that nothing is happening, put up with your role as a victim. Practice shows that it is very difficult to prove the very fact of such a psychological impact. Moreover, as already mentioned, the rapist is able to easily turn friends and even relatives against the victim. However, the search for permanent excuses for the husband's actions and forgiveness only contributes to their continuation.
- Care … Relationships that bring emotional distress to a woman are best broken up. The sooner the better. Sometimes you don't need to look for ways to deal with emotional abuse, but simply find a new partner.
- Recovery … Do not hesitate to contact a specialist. Professional psychologists will help you regain control over your own life and give recommendations for action.
As already mentioned, the relationship with the psychological abuser must be severed. However, there may be various obstacles (finances, children, shared property, and so on). Therefore, it is necessary to build a detailed plan and carefully work out each point in order to firmly know, for example, on what means to live further, where to live, how to be with children.
How to Resist Emotional Domestic Violence - watch the video:
There are different types of emotional abuse. Its manifestation in families is quite common. The development of events occurs gradually, and at first the victim, and often the aggressor himself, does not understand what is happening. The consequences for the personality and body of a woman can be catastrophic, and therefore, if it was not possible to avoid a relationship without psychological violence, it is necessary to take measures to get out of this situation.
