What is overcontrol and how it manifests itself. Where does the desire to control everything come from and what it can lead to. How to get rid of the habit of control and learn to trust people. Important! Overcontrol is our psyche's response to deep stress and loss of trust in people. It makes you think that there is no other way to achieve what you want and keep what you already have.
Varieties of "controllers"
There are many methods of manipulating people, so people who have taken the habit of controlling everything can be conditionally divided into several types.
The main types of "controllers" of life:
- Walking in the shadows … It is very easy to recognize such a person: he becomes a shadow of a brighter, more charismatic or successful “owner”. He is always there - copies, imitates, toadies, grovels. He does not have his own life, his opinion, his desires. His goal is to earn the attention of his idol, praise, acceptance. Control in this case is not direct, veiled, subtle, it manifests itself through manipulation, intrigue, excessive guardianship and sacrifice. Any means are used to stay close to the "owner". The fear of losing him keeps them in constant tension, makes them jealous, suspicious and fight with competitors. Most often, these behaviors are used in friendships and love relationships. Rejection of one's individuality and obsession often gives the opposite result - it is considered not interesting, avoided, and not respected.
- Pursuer … This is a strong type of "controller", because he has found the golden mean that will make the object of his care (and even the whole of humanity) absolutely happy. And he will definitely and exclusively for the good will impose on you the postulates of this golden mean. And regardless of whether you need them or not. Examples of such caring "controllers" include sympathetic neighbors, an active mother-in-law, advanced friends, experienced employees and bosses. They got the name "Persecutors" not only because of their obsession, but also because of their arrogance, because they prefer to teach life directly, without roundabout maneuvers. You have to do this and behave like this. Otherwise, everything will be very bad.
- Rescuer … A lighter version of the Persecutor, which uses gentle methods of suggestion: conversations, persuasions, persuasion, stories and life stories to implement their principles of a happy life. Also, such manipulators can often involve other people (relatives, acquaintances) in their game as intermediaries. In order to convey the necessary information to the right ears.
The main signs of controlling behavior
To distinguish real care and love from the habit of control, you need to know the main manifestations of the latter.
The main signs of controlling behavior are:
- The desire to subordinate another to your own rules, to squeeze into your security framework;
- Confidence in one's righteousness and omniscience, peremptory judgments and rejection of other options for behavior (problem solving);
- Close control over the execution of orders or events;
- Frequent attempts to think, make decisions for others, forcing them to act the way you need them;
- Manipulation in a variety of ways (pity, ultimatums, threats, a certain position, etc.);
- Periodic reminders to others about their importance and irreplaceability and that they owe everything they have to their “guardian”;
- The categorical suppression of any attempts of "willfulness" on the part of the objects of care - independent actions, decisions, deeds;
- Constant control of the location, movement and occupation of the controlled person;
- Thirst for power, domination;
- The conviction that loving yourself is wrong, right and plausible - to sacrifice yourself for the good of others, otherwise no one needs you;
- Ignoring personal opinions, plans, vision of problems and ways to resolve them on the part of the object of care, contempt and condemnation of the characteristics of another inner world, its needs, principles and limitations;
- Rejection of feelings and emotions that do not fit into the "pattern of happiness" or the "correct" reaction of the controller;
- A tendency to criticize and condemn even the smallest mistakes and failures.
Important! In most cases, active “controllers” are people who stand out from the crowd. They are distinguished not only by their appearance or demeanor, but by the demeanor itself. The manner of a person who knows how to live right.
How to properly get rid of overcontrol
As mentioned above, the habit of controlling everyone can significantly ruin the life of not only those who are controlled, but also the “controller” himself: relationships are destroyed, their own complexes and fears are aggravated. Therefore, overcontrol in psychology is considered a state that must be fought against. This can be done in several ways. We have listed the most effective of them below.
Notice in time
Controlling behavior is inherent in each of us to some extent. It is important to keep it within limits, not allowing the transition to the stage of overcontrol. Most often this happens in moments of crisis, betrayals, failures, when the degree of trust in people is critically reduced. That is, when "the earth is slipping from under your feet," and the best way to stay on your feet seems to take everything into your own hands. Strengthen control.
This feeling is always accompanied by signs that the desire to control is growing into a necessity. These include: tension, obsessive distribution of advice and instructions, accusations, ignorance of feelings (both ours and others). It is at this moment that it is important to stop and do nothing. Just thinking about what happened, why and how things can be fixed without over-control.
Find the roots
During the pause, try to sort out the current situation "on the shelves." The most important question you have to answer to yourself is whether your overcontrol makes sense. Does he help you in life or hinder you. The best way to do this is to do the classic pluses and minuses on a piece of paper.
The next step is to determine where the desire to control originates from. The answers to the following questions will help you with this:
- What exactly causes you strong fear, anxiety, anxiety;
- What could lead to the habit of controlling everything (parents, situation, circumstances);
- What will happen if you “let go of the reins”, whether something terrible and inevitable will really happen;
- How much of what you are trying to control concerns you and can it be controlled at all;
- What is the purpose of your control and what will it give you.
This analysis of the situation will help you determine how much and what you are afraid of. This can be used to carry out a procedure for alienating control habits. Make it a rule every time you feel the "harbingers" of overcontrol, mentally stop yourself and remind you of where and why you got this habit. And that it is quite possible to do without it.
Reboot
Good results are also obtained by switching attention, rebooting, during which it is important to carry out the following actions:
- Shift focus on your interests, your behavior and your choices; to direct all your vitality and attention precisely to these goals;
- Consider from a different angle the objects of your care - their feelings, desires, needs;
- To restore confidence in yourself - your feelings, perceptions, feelings;
- Make an attitude: when a desire to control arises, consider alternatives to such behavior and their results.
Another way to distract yourself from controlling behavior is to relax, take it easy. Control is tension, loss of physical and emotional strength; rest - relaxation and recovery. Therefore, it is impossible to get rid of overcontrol without learning how to fully rest. Try to follow the following rule of a happy person: at work - do not think about rest, and at rest and at home - do not think about work.
To really relax, you don't have to take a long-term vacation; rest can be productive even with daily “portions”. You just need to choose for yourself the most pleasant ways of spending time, which help to relieve the burden of everyday worries. And set aside a little time every day just for that. It doesn't matter what you do during this time: reading, chatting with friends, doing flowers, embroidering, listening to music, taking a bath, doing beauty treatments or playing sports. The main thing is that it helps you to relax.
No control
Recall that most cases of overcontrol are driven by traumatic situations that result in loss of trust in others. And the very notion of a habit to control everything excludes trust - the “controller” does everything (monitors, analyzes, makes decisions, evaluates) himself.
Therefore, try to change your strategy of relations with people, trust them. Try to loosen up your criticism and pickiness. Give your loved ones freedom, personal space, the ability to make their decisions, choose goals. Even if they are wrong in your opinion.
This can be very difficult. Treat it like an experiment. Trust and see what happens. Delegate your authority to family and friends, colleagues. But gradually, not abruptly. Starting with easy tasks. And focus on yourself.
First, you will have more free time that you can use to your advantage. Secondly, the tension will go away both inside you and in relations with others. Thirdly, you will see that from your “inaction” the world not only did not collapse, but even became better. There are no more quarrels and resentments, and the objects of care are no longer so defenseless against life. They have become more independent and responsible.
Set boundaries
If the reason for the increased level of control is violation of the boundaries of personal space, you need to try to establish them. Respect and respect for personal space is the recognition of individuality, independence. Understand that your object of control (loved one, spouse, child) is not one with you, but rather an addition.
Mark the boundaries of your personal space - areas where you feel good and comfortable. Where no one can go if you don't want to. This is easy to do: take a moment when you can retire. Get into a comfortable position, close your eyes and take 2-3 deep breaths in and out. Imagine yourself somewhere in the forest, in the middle of a field, on the seashore - where you feel comfortable and joyful. Now mentally outline (or mark in some way) a zone of maximum comfort around you. This will be your restricted private space.
Those who like checking their pockets, wallets, phones and e-mail, reading diaries need to remember that this is also an invasion of the personal space of others. Practice shows that even setting passwords can be just an attempt to protect this very space, and not a way to hide something bad or secret.
So try to keep yourself busy with something else that is more rewarding than trying to find something that doesn't exist. This advice also applies to those who are used to monitoring their object of care over the phone. Call only as a last resort on a really important matter, and then the subscriber will always be available, and his voice will not be angry and irritated.
Survive and survive
The most effective but painful way to get rid of overcontrol is to live your fear, to feel the pain that caused it. Fearing a certain situation, we do everything to prevent it from happening. But at the same time we are in constant tension and expectation that this will happen. And we are strengthening control even more. And so in a circle.
Take, for example, two women: a mother who worries about her teenage child and a wife who doubts her husband's loyalty. Both of them will periodically call their control objects in order to make sure that the first is alive and well, and the second is really at work. That is, to get proof that their fear did not materialize. But he did not disappear from this and will push both women to continue to control further and more.
To open this chain reaction, you just need to experience your fear. Imagine that what you are afraid of and trying to control has happened. Feel it, live it, evaluate your reaction, think about what you will do next. It will be painful and difficult, but it will get rid of the control addiction.
What is overcontrol - watch the video:
Overcontrol is an imaginary good invented by one person in relation to another or others. It makes everyone involved in such a relationship unhappy and, by definition, cannot produce positive results. Breaking the habit of control means relieving yourself and those around you of tension, misunderstandings, and limitations.
