What is the runaway bride syndrome, the psychology of its manifestation in women and men. Why do people flee from the crown, what can be advised in this case. Runaway bride syndrome (gamophobia, gametophobia) is a complex of negative personality traits that are not related to mental illness. It is associated with an anxious and suspicious nature, when she (he), due to personal and social reasons, is afraid to marry.
Features of Runaway Bride Syndrome
“They meet to part, and fall in love to stop loving. I want to laugh and burst into tears, and not live! " This is how the Russian "king of poets" of the beginning of the last century, Igor Severyanin, wrote. Well, laughter and tears, in order to "not live", we will leave on his conscience, although in cases when lovers run away on the porch of the registry office, someone has to cry. More, perhaps, to the relatives of the bride and groom, who spent so much effort and money in a failed wedding.
And if only it ended in tears. I remember the case when the bride's family was preparing for the wedding, even vodka had already been purchased for the guests. And at the last moment, the groom fled, drove off to distant lands. The bride's father took such an act as a shame for the family, drank the bitter one and soon died.
Sometimes it turns out in life quite unfriendly. So the lovers decided to get married, and at the most crucial moment, when everything is already ready for the solemn wedding, she suddenly turns to her chosen one in a not entirely aesthetic place. In Ukraine, in the good old days, in such cases, the girl handed the guy a garbuzz. It looked more beautiful and somehow smoothed out the resentment, but in our mercantile hour still look for a pumpkin, and it's not at all up to aesthetics when you run away from under the aisle.
Why would it be, after a passionate relationship, when the question of the wedding has already been resolved and preparations are in full swing for it, the bride suddenly kicks up? Why did such a seemingly incomprehensible metamorphosis happen to her? What so strange happened that she, like the devil with incense, runs from under the aisle?
Often such girls justify their extraordinary act with the words that "to get married does not attack, as if married does not disappear." This proverb is the whole psychology of the runaway bride syndrome. Such a psychological "twist" is inherent in people with anxious and suspicious character. It is extremely timid girls (sometimes guys) who are most often afraid of registering a relationship.
It's one thing "love to the grave" in a free "flight", because no one really owes anything to anyone. Life at this time seems like a holiday to be drunk like intoxicated wine and enjoy the pleasure it has received.
After the wedding, everyday life begins, family and work absorb all the time. What kind of holiday is this? “Love has passed, covered with a haze. Now the family has a stroller with Dimkoy. And a child means sleepless nights, the need to tirelessly monitor a capricious baby, change his diapers, feed him with a bottle. In a word - to grow.
And then you have to greet hubby, go shopping, and many other far from festive concerns. And not everyone is capable of such a daily “feat”.
And then the runaway bride syndrome is triggered, when such a woman who has taken off before the wedding suddenly runs headlong headlong from her "evil" lot. Although a woman by her very nature is called to motherhood. Her main purpose in life is to raise and educate children. But it turns out that the instinct of a "warm nest" does not always work when paradise is with a sweetheart and in a hut. He dreams of him, but not everyone succeeds in creating their own family.
It is necessary to distinguish between the runaway bride syndrome and the girl's fears about the wedding. The latter are simply referred to as "bride syndrome" and characterize an absolutely normal state of excitement before marriage. Absolutely all newlyweds are subject to such excitement (men are no exception!).
A significant event must be held at the proper level! This is once and for all life (at least, I think so), and therefore the marriage and the wedding itself should be without any overlays. At this time, everyone becomes superstitious. It is believed that if something goes wrong, it will affect family well-being.
For example, when the groom puts the ring on the bride's finger in the registry office, God forbid it falls! This is a bad sign, it promises an early separation.
There are plenty of such phobias before marriage, but all this is a usual pre-wedding jittery, it does not affect the feelings of the newlyweds at all. The bride or groom has no idea that they need to run headlong from under the aisle.
It's important to know! Statistics show that one in 10 brides may refuse a wedding at the last moment. This is due to a suspicious nature, when the fear of getting married overpowers the desire to live together.
Causes of Runaway Bride Syndrome
The roots of the habit of parting lie in the character and those moral attitudes that parents instilled in childhood. All of this ultimately affects behavior. If before marriage the lovers behaved quite adequately, then when the question arose to formalize the relationship, one of them suddenly changed their opinion about the partner. Outwardly, this is often not visible, but in her (him) soul suddenly something sank and began … And that is not so, and it is not that way. Why are some young people afraid to get married? The reasons can be very different. Let us consider the psychology of the actions of escaped brides and grooms in more detail.
Causes of Runaway Bride Syndrome in Women
So why do some girls act so extravagantly before the wedding? For example, in the Hollywood movie Runaway Bride, the main character, Maggie, ran away from under the aisle right out of the church. And this is what she did for the 4th time!
What are the reasons forcing you to put your loved one so recently in such a humiliating position, not to mention your own and his loved ones who were preparing for the wedding and invited relatives and acquaintances to it? What happened so extraordinary that makes the bride spit on public opinion and, pulling up the hem of her wedding dress, run away from her future?
The reasons for this behavior lie in personality psychology. The social factor is also important. Let's take a closer look at this:
- Anxious and suspicious character … The girl is afraid of everything in life. Even her own wedding is an insurmountable terrible test for her. In fact, she is an unhappy person who desperately needs the help of loved ones or a psychologist.
- Family education … The girl grew up without a father. The mother, overwhelmed by eternal need, curses the men that “here's a dog, he left a child, but does not want to pay alimony,” or pays just a crumb. If her character is suspicious, she “tries on” her mother's unsuccessful marriage. This creates a negative attitude towards marriage. Another option is when there is no warm relationship in the family. The father often quarrels with the mother, does not pay due attention to the child. Such a negative is fixed in the subconscious, having already become an adult, the girl is intuitively opposed to the wedding. “I don’t want such a life when there are constant scandals and betrayals! What if my beloved turns into someone like my dad? " Runaway Bride Syndrome is evident.
- "Insight" … When we were together, attention was not fixed on the friend's negative features. Let's say they agreed to quit smoking, she forgot about cigarettes, and he secretly smokes from her, or doesn't know how to do anything around the house. For example, replace the gasket in the kitchen faucet. For the time being, no attention was paid to this. And when the conversation turned to the wedding, the bad features of the beloved suddenly acquired universal proportions. It began to seem that it was impossible to live with him under the same roof. Although it was necessary to think earlier, not to keep silent, but to speak frankly about it.
- Financial questions … It is good in love, but sex does not solve family problems. And he earns little. This thought scares: “And how will I have to live when I go on maternity leave, he can hardly give me money even for tights. Not to mention when the baby arrives. That is why living with him in marriage is more dear to him!"
- Various interests … Love is love, and there is absolutely nothing more to talk to him about. And to connect your life with such?
- Fear of being the center of attention … A wedding is a big celebration, there are a lot of people at it. And everyone will "stick out" at you, which is simply unbearable. Such thoughts and feelings are characteristic of overly timid individuals, insecure in themselves, avoiding close attention to their person. This is a significant reason to escape from the crown.
- Independence … Ah, "this sweet word is freedom!" It's one thing to live in a civil marriage and feel the holiday of life. It is quite another to register your relationship. There is no time for fun, everyday life has come. And so passionately I want to not be obliged to anyone. Even to your beloved. I would sing and flutter all my life, like a spring bird. True, more often such a life orientation ends, as in Krylov's famous fable "The Dragonfly and the Ant." “Did you all sing? This is the case: so go and dance! " When the young years have passed and sores have overcome, such a "dance" will not seem at all fun.
- Unsuccessful marriage … The first marriage was unsuccessful. Severe stressful situation, psychological breakdown. A good person was found, but the fear of official relations remained. Better to be informal. And if he insists on marriage, she seems to agree, but at the most decisive moment she can simply run away.
- Force majeure circumstances … Suddenly, just before the wedding, she met HIM or, say, an old school love. Long-forgotten feelings flashed again. The girl refuses to get married.
- Narcissism … Tough, selfish natures take such a step. A sort of Herostratus complex in relation to the situation with the marriage. "If I refuse him and become famous, they will talk about me, they say, how cool she is, she was not afraid to refuse her fiance on the threshold of the registry office." I don't give a damn about the feelings of her boyfriend and loved ones, such an act gives her pleasure. This is already at the level of psychological "quirks" of consciousness, when you always want to be in the center of attention.
If a woman really loves, all doubts about her beloved should not worry her. You need to accept it as it really is. There are also spots in the sun. And it should be remembered that she herself is not without "sin."
Causes of Runaway Bride Syndrome in Men
Runaway Bride Syndrome sometimes happens to men as well. Gogol's comedy "The Marriage" is widely known, when the main character escaped from his wedding through the window. Such unfortunate suitors often say that "the friend turned out to be lazy, she cannot really cook, but what can we say about the family then?"
The reasons that lead a guy to run away from his girlfriend are similar to those that lead a girl to abandon marriage. Let's say an anxious and suspicious character, fear of a large number of people at a wedding. However, there are those that are dictated by masculine nature.
These include:
- Passion for a riotous life … As in Vysotsky's song: "Take a walk, flaw, from the ruble and above …". Why not take a walk? After all, we live once, and you need to live so that later there is nothing to regret. When in old age it will be possible to say: "Wow, how I lived, how much was given to me in my destiny!" And the family only burdens.
- Sex … Akin to a dissolute life, only the emphasis here is on relationships with women. There should be as many of them as possible. Some connoisseurs of women's souls even start diaries in which they celebrate their many victories on the love front. Such a person will promise his next girlfriend anything, for example, he is ready to register a marriage. But at the last moment, when his chosen one is already preparing for the wedding, she suddenly disappears. And it can even take something from her things or "borrow" a large amount of money. Among these there are many gigolos who love to live off their mistress.
- Picky groom … The guy has been dating for a long time, he likes the girl. And when the question of a wedding comes up, he suddenly thinks: “She is good, or maybe I’ll find it more beautiful. And I haven’t walked up yet!”.
- Greed for money … Women are good, but money is better! Especially when she weighs down the wallet so nicely. Such peasants, even with greens in their pockets, are very stingy with gifts for their friends. A family for them is a waste, which means a collapse of financial well-being.
- Reluctance to start a family … First of all, because such a "reckless" step limits personal freedom when you need to look back at your half in order, for example, to sit with friends over a beer or go to a restaurant. And some of these "freedom lovers" do not like children, and therefore believes that he does not need a family and children.
- Chronic diseases … A person has a chronic disease, he knows about it, but hides that he is sick. He has a long serious relationship with a woman, she wants to legitimize them. He seems to agree, but at the last moment he leaves the marriage.
- Homosexual … Dating a woman, but gravitates more towards men. This bipolar relationship does not involve marriage.
It's important to know! If a guy is tormented by worries and doubts about the wedding, you need to share them with your friend. Sincerity in a relationship is a guarantee that he will marry, and will not run away from his beloved at the decisive moment.
How to deal with runaway bride syndrome
If he or she wants to get rid of his syndrome, you can master the techniques yourself that are quite successful in the fight against phobias. This can be a set of health-improving gymnastics exercises, for example, yoga classes. Various asanas can help relieve stress and tune in to overcome your bad breakup habit. When this does not help, it is worth contacting a psychologist. Having familiarized himself with the problem, he will choose a technique that will be effective in combating the fear that corrodes the soul before the wedding.
Self-help against runaway bride syndrome
When, for various reasons, it is not possible to engage in health-improving gymnastics, you should listen to useful advice. If you stick to them, the fear of getting married (getting married) will certainly go away.
Here are a few wishes in the case when the habit of parting overcame:
- Look at yourself from the outside … Let's say a timid person is frightened by a wedding. A lot of people, all meticulously consider the outfit of the bride and groom. It feels uncomfortable under the cross glances. What if something goes wrong or, God forbid, I faint! So that the pre-wedding jitter does not plunge into stress when it can come to the end of marriage, imagine that this is not happening to you, but to someone else. Such a "distraction" will calm you down, everything will go well.
- You shouldn't lock yourself in … You need to share your problem with your loved ones, loved ones. It is good to arrange pre-wedding gatherings with friends - goodbye to your girlish (bachelor) life. Such an event will distract from silly thoughts and help to gain self-confidence.
- "I am not worse than others!" … You don't need to indulge your fears. Only courage and self-confidence! Are you really worse than millions of people who get married (get married) without any complexes about this. Pre-wedding excitement is common for everyone, but not everyone runs away from their wedding.
- Don't get hung up on the little things … Marriage is a big step in life. No everyday troubles should influence the adoption of such an important decision. If you have doubts that he (she) has bad habits, for example, smokes a lot or throws things around the room randomly, you need to talk about it frankly. Should such trifles really affect the relationship? What about love then?
- Expectations from marriage … Sensual love is wonderful! However, family everyday life leaves its mark on life together. You need to be prepared for this. And then there will not be a feeling of fear when one thinks “is it worth getting married (getting married), maybe you need to wait?”.
- Self-critical attitude … You can't change your character, but you need to know your weaknesses and try to fight them. If you are overcome by anxiety about the relationship with your beloved, you need to analyze your own and his actions in a special diary. A critical analysis of the "flights" will help you make the right decision when it comes to the wedding.
If a guy or a girl showed cowardice at an important moment in their life, it is difficult to justify. Such an act can break your whole future life. And the excuse that he (she) turned out to be the wrong person is just verbiage behind which there is a spiritual emptiness. In this case, I just want to ask: "Where did you look before?"
Psychological help with runaway bride syndrome
When it is impossible to cope with your syndrome yourself, you need the help of a psychologist. The visualization technique is effective in this case. Let's say a girl likes two guys. She must imagine how she will feel with each of them in 5-10 years. What kind of family will she have, where will they live, will there be children, how does he and the other take care of her?
If you seriously think about it, such thoughts can appear in a dream. And this will also be a hint to whom the soul lies. In the end, you can even write yourself a letter from the "beautiful far away". And in it try to answer to yourself with whom it will be better in this “distant”.
It is possible that such a psychological approach will help to "escape" from the fear of marriage.
It's important to know! All fears lie in the peculiarities of the psyche of the individual. If the character is anxious and suspicious, you need to try to get rid of the premises that "pander" to such a state. Only in this case it is possible to forget about such a phobia, like the runaway bride syndrome. What is runaway bride syndrome - watch the video:
Running away from your wedding may seem like a decisive step to some. Although this kind of act rather characterizes the unstable character of the one who despaired of it. Whether it's a girl or a guy. Only lack of confidence in oneself, one's feelings is capable of pushing one to such a "feat". Its consequences can be the most sad. Such a person will run away from himself and his problems all his life. Unless, of course, he tries to cope with them.
