Basic principles of the relationship between mother and daughter for all ages. Conflict periods that can cause complications in the understanding of both parties. The relationship with the mother is practically the first and strongest bond that every child has. In almost all cases, it remains the same strong for life. Sometimes it exacerbates conflicts and worsens the relationship depending on how much the mother and child are attached. Relationship in some cases complicates mutual understanding in conflicts and greatly hurts the feelings of each side. Such difficulties are especially difficult in relations with the mother of a daughter.
Features of the relationship between daughter and mother
The bond with the mother is established from a very young age. There is evidence that a child is able to perceive sounds and voices of loved ones already in the womb, thus getting to know the outside world. After birth, a close relationship with the mother is formed. But even this strong bond is subject to a variety of conflicts and problems, from which it is difficult to get out. Most often, these disagreements are observed between daughters and mothers. Emotional female response to external conditions contributes to the rapid onset of conflicts and most often worsens the relationship between these close people.
Building a bond between the child and the mother rests on the mother's shoulders. It is she who dictates the rules of interaction and relationships that will develop over time. That is, upbringing plays the most important role in conflicts between these people. Even if the daughter is the culprit of specific quarrels and stumbling blocks, the mother still partially takes responsibility for these events, since she did not teach her to do the right thing in time.
Blood relationship, if any, will bind these people all the time, bringing them closer together. If the mother is not biological, then this factor will figure in their quarrels all their lives. This is at the heart of all conflicts over adoption or between stepmothers and stepdaughters.
Be that as it may, every mother wants the best for her child. There are exceptions in socially disadvantaged families where alcohol and drugs are abused. In the minds of parents, the ideal life of their children, where the best dreams, in their opinion, come true. Naturally, they do not always coincide with what the children themselves dream about. New generations dream of something different, more modern. Living standards, moral values, priorities between different spheres of activity are changing. On this basis, very often disagreements arise, since the mother represents a better future according to her own standards. At this time, the daughter is trying with all her might to prove her own independence and show the strength of her capabilities. In such conditions, relations with the mother do not develop.
Varieties of relationship with the mother
At each age, a child has a specific specific type of interaction, in which the worldview changes. For a girl who is growing up, from the very first years, a mother is an ideal, a role model and a woman whom one wants to be equal to. But over time, this image begins to dissipate and change.
Consider the types of relationships between mother and daughter, depending on the age of the latter:
- Up to 12 years old … When her daughter is not yet 12, her worldview focuses on family values. Her world revolves around her mother and father, and her friends play secondary roles. During this period, children tend to share their own problems and experiences, are quite open, in contrast to the following age periods.
- 12 to 18 years old … This is adolescence, when all the psychological and physiological changes in the daughter's life come into play. Hormonal surges that occur in the body affect behavior and the affective sphere of life. The feeling of independence is constantly growing, and the girl wants to be independent. The mother's authority diminishes over time. It is then that the first signs of a difficult relationship with the mother are observed. In her person, the teenager begins to notice flaws, calls into question all the methods of education and the principles that she taught. Rebellious adolescence provokes frequent conflicts. The daughter often criticizes the mother, and she reacts violently to the behavior of her child.
- From 18 to marriage (or the appearance of a permanent partner) … When a daughter becomes a fully formed adult, many roads and lines open up in her life, which gradually develop. Undoubtedly, the mother wants to be a part of this and will try in every possible way to support her daughter with the methods that she sees fit. In some cases, she will prohibit everything in a row to save you from trouble, in others, she will try to give advice so that her daughter makes fewer mistakes. The latter, in turn, will want to use her right of majority to do her own thing, even if this is not entirely correct. The girl's first romantic relationship is hard on her mother's side. Naturally, she will rather carefully evaluate each guy and her opinion may often not coincide with her daughter. The same applies to the choice of a university or college, a future profession. Moving from the parental home only exacerbates the whole problem of relationships.
- From marriage to growing up grandchildren … This is a rather voluminous period during which the relationship between mother and daughter remains at the same level. They can change in any period, over time the conflict level decreases markedly, but this is individual. If a daughter has a permanent young man, naturally, he will be carefully checked by the mother. However, she will be much more selective than her daughter. If something does not like in the chosen one, the mother will tell her daughter about it, but whether this will affect the residual decision depends only on the latter. With the advent of children in a young family, most grandmothers want to take part in upbringing. Usually, the views of new parents often do not coincide with the more traditional ones of the grandmother. In addition, when a woman moves a little further in a generation, she begins to experience a sense of competition and lack of attention. Nobody wants to get old. Therefore, she will try to be useful in every possible way and do everything to take her opinion into account. Often a daughter, with the appearance of her family, forgets about her parents, and the relationship with her mother is noticeably weakened. Again, this is always individual. If their relationship is warm enough, then the appearance of grandchildren can bring mother and daughter closer. The first family experience is very useful in the first stages of the upbringing of the future generation.
Ways to restore the relationship between mother and daughter
In most cases, family conflicts between a daughter and a mother can be resolved on their own without any help. It is best if both sides make efforts to do this. Consider the methods separately for the mother and daughter.
Psychologist's advice for daughter
In all cases, conflict situations between mother and daughter are individual. This is manifested in character traits, characteristics of upbringing and social environment, which always leaves its mark on the relationship between generations. Naturally, each person is able to react differently to conflicts, therefore, in some cases, a quarrel will grow between these close people, and in another, just an honest conversation. Psychologists can provide some tips for a daughter to improve a bad relationship with her mother:
- Understanding … Mother and daughter belong to different generations. The environment of their upbringing is significantly different, especially in the modern period, when every decade there are significant changes in the worldview of people. Young people are becoming more educated and have a source of enthusiasm that older people run out of. These cultural and age differences are responsible for most of the known conflict situations between a daughter and a mother. That is why, in order to build relationships, it is extremely important to understand this factor, which will invariably be present. Feeling and taking into account their differences will help the daughter understand better between them.
- Confidence … Whatever the relationship between these close people is now, no one has canceled the blood relationship. The child remains forever a child for the mother, even after decades. Her instincts are aimed at the well-being of her child's life, so each daughter should understand that her mother wants only the best for her. Over the years, the realization comes that she is perhaps the only person from whom you do not expect betrayal. All acquaintances, friends in life can be faithful only for a while. This also applies to romantic relationships. Almost the only person who always speaks for her child and will never betray is the mother. If you realize this in time, trust is formed as a sign of recognition and confidence in the goodwill of intentions.
- Integration … No matter how eventful the life of a daughter is, she must always find a place in her for her mother. It should be understood that the best years of her mother's life, which she spent caring for a small child, were given for her. This deserves respect and at least participation in life. It is not at all necessary to move in with your parents or see each other every day, but it is important that the mother feels supported and important in her daughter's life. Not everyone consults about some important decisions, but you should still inform your parents. If possible, you should involve them in your life, trust the upbringing of your own children, at least for a few days. You can also visit them on holidays or call them more often. Perhaps for the daughter, these calls will be just routine minutes of conversation, but for the mother, these are priceless minutes, which she may have to wait for the whole day.
- Errors … Most of the conflicts on the part of daughters are based on the awareness of the mistakes that the mother made. Their isolation and dispute on this basis causes a deterioration in the relationship. To avoid this or fix existing problems, you need to understand that every adult is prone to make mistakes and the mother is no exception. Perhaps she still regrets some of them, but does not want to admit, so as not to devalue herself in the eyes of her daughter. This situation leads to a dead end if each of them does not want to understand the other. If a daughter tries to realize that everyone has the right to make mistakes, and accepts her mother's life as a model, she can avoid many troubles. This is why parents set their example. It is better to learn from the mistakes of others than from your own.
Psychologist's advice on building relationships for a mother
By virtue of their authority and seniority, many conflicts are provoked by mothers. They speculate with their rich life experience and, thus, gain superiority in the dispute, but this is not the right solution. At the stage, while the child is under the parental roof, he will obey, and the last word remains with the mother. But later this is reflected in the behavior of an adult daughter. Having left your parents' home and starting your own independent life, it will be more difficult to control it as before. In addition, the lack of effective methods for resolving conflict situations will worsen the relationship between mother and daughter. In order to establish a complex relationship between a mother and her daughter, the first one should adhere to several tips:
- Understanding … This point is very similar to advice for daughters. In this case, mothers should understand that their children did not grow up in the world in which they were brought up. Modernity has left a noticeable imprint, thereby distinguishing them from their mothers. Therefore, before setting out your requirements and defining expectations from your daughter, you need to take into account cultural and age differences. Be sure to show patience and understanding of the world in which your daughter lives, and in no case impose your stereotypes.
- Respect … All decisions that were made by the daughter cannot be dismissed as categorically unacceptable. One can only advise with regards to the expediency of a particular act. A common mistake mothers make is not recognizing their daughter's independence. Her decisions are criticized as insufficiently balanced, and most do not perceive their children as those who can independently move forward, solve life problems and cope with difficulties.
- Criticism … Especially at a young age, criticism of the daughter's actions is very well remembered. It is categorically impossible to criticize completely the style of behavior, preferences in food, clothes and the choice of guys. In any situation, the mother should separate herself as an independent person who may not always be able to fully understand the actions of the other, even if it is her daughter. Criticism leaves a negative, bitter residue that will form unpleasant memories that can affect future relationships with the mother.
- Help … In the adult life of a daughter, there will always be a lot of things, problems and worries. It will be wrong to demand attention and respect from her, the care of children is necessary only when it is really inevitable. Sometimes parents abuse the fact that children need to look after them and force them to do it in order to be closer. There are other methods for this. In order to get closer to your daughter, you can simply offer her help. Surely, even at this age, the mother is able to look after the grandchildren for some time, so that the daughter can calmly rest from the busy life. So she will be much closer to her mother, as required. In addition, the latter will be able to feel needed and even irreplaceable.
- Common interests … Consanguinity implies certain interests that are common to both the daughter and the mother. To get closer to a child, it is not at all necessary to delve into her world and try to learn modern values, you can find something that is interesting to both, and use this to spend time together.
How to improve the relationship between mother and daughter - look at the video:
If the relationship between mother and daughter is difficult, you can turn to a psychologist. This specialist will help you identify individual steps and advise on how to build relationships. The choice of a specific method for solving this problem depends on the case, the nature of the daughter and mother.
