Resentment has a twofold definition. On the one hand, this is an unfair act inflicted on a person and upsetting him. On the other hand, there is a complex feeling, consisting of anger at the offender and self-pity. The article describes how resentment arises and how to overcome it. Feelings of resentment are a natural defensive reaction triggered in response to unfair insults, grief, and negative emotions resulting from them. It can be caused both by relatives, acquaintances, and teachers, work colleagues and even strangers. It appears for the first time at the age of 2 to 5 years, when the awareness of justice comes. Until that time, the child expresses the feeling through anger. In fact, this is the result of brain activity, expressed in the analysis of the chain "expectation - observation - comparison". It is important to learn how to cope with feelings of resentment so as not to accumulate negative emotions in yourself.
Characteristics of resentment
Resentment is characterized by a powerful emotional charge. It always has consequences and negatively affects the dynamics of relationships with others. This is clearly seen from the phrases "harbored a grudge", "insulting to tears", "I can not get over my grievance", "I don't see anything around from resentment", "mortal grievance."
Key characteristics of resentment:
- Causes severe emotional pain. It is a defensive reaction to an action that a person considers to be unfair to himself.
- Accompanied by a sense of betrayal. The offended person often says: "I never expected this from you."
- It arises against the background of deceived trust or unjustified expectations. That is, I did not get what I expected: I was not given, I was deceived, characterized not as positively as I would like, etc.
- The other's actions are perceived as unfair. Based on the results of his own observations and comparisons with a similar situation among others: he was given more, the salary for similar work is higher, the mother loves the other child more, and so on. Moreover, this does not always turn out to be true.
- Experienced for a long time. In some cases, it remains relative to the object forever.
- It can cause a breakdown in relations or their deterioration in the event of an unresolved situation. Even long-term family ties, a hidden resentment can destroy. Regarding childhood experiences, the unprocessed feeling can result in aggressive behavior of a teenager, unwillingness to communicate with parents after reaching the age of majority, and so on.
- Directed inward. Often, the offended person cannot frankly admit what he was offended at. Therefore, emotions remain deep inside, which makes a person even more unhappy.
- Accompanied by a feeling of irreparability of what happened. Especially typical for impressionable children: “Vovka called me in front of friends. The world has collapsed! I will no longer be able to communicate with them."
- It is characterized by a state of narrowed consciousness. In a state of resentment, a person cannot objectively assess what is happening.
- Affect. Can provoke aggressive actions. Immediate or delayed.
You can only take offense at loved ones. A person with whom there is no relationship or they are superficial cannot offend. A stranger can only offend. You need well-established connections, a certain approximate distance, a built-up system of expectations and a sufficient level of trust.
In some cases, a strong resentment is accompanied by a loss of life support up to the emergence of a desire to die. The victim falls into depression, experiences the phenomenon of loss of the meaning of life, interests and desires. Apathy appears. Suicidal thoughts and aspirations arise. A life-threatening situation occurs when an offense is inflicted on a lonely person with few social connections; offended - someone very close and significant, some complex basic expectations, hopes for the future were associated with him; the cause of the resentment affects vital areas or aspects of the personality.
Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment
Resentment is thought to refer to acquired feelings. A baby can be happy, angry, upset right after birth, but he learns to be offended later. He adopts this form of behavior from parents or other children aged 2-5 years. However, recent evidence suggests that children may experience this feeling earlier. Practicing psychologists who have been observing their babies since birth have recorded a feeling of resentment in babies as well. The psychosomatics of resentment is very broad. This feeling can kill or provoke a serious illness, including cancer or heart attack.
The fact is that the aggressive component of the resentment is most often directed inward and is very difficult to get rid of. Aggression has a high intensity of experience. These are hormones. This is an excess of adrenaline, which does not find an exit from the body and seethes inside a person, striking weak points. Men, unfortunately, are not as strong emotionally as women. It is more difficult for them to react to their resentment. They cannot pronounce it in chatting with girlfriends and suffer more. For example, a father put all of himself into his daughter, and she disappointed him with her behavior. As a result, the irreparability of the incident provokes a heart attack or even cancer. Women's health is also highly dependent on mental well-being. During the examination, the gynecologist necessarily asks if there are any conflicts with her husband. This is not an idle curiosity. Conflicts and grievances against a loved one are postponed by cysts, fibromas, mastopathy and other gynecological problems.
Psychologists studying the connection between women's grief and women's health argue that the bitterness from communicating with loved ones in women is localized in certain places:
- Breast, uterus, cervix - resentment against her husband … Since these are reproductive organs, they are the ones who take on all the negative emotions of family life. Sometimes the result of unspoken experiences, stress and problems in the family can be a diagnosis of "Infertility of undiagnosed etiology." That is, the feeling of resentment has become so strongly entrenched in the girl's mind that the body has found a way out for itself to prohibit having offspring in these relationships. Only a psychologist can help.
- Left ovary - resentment against the mother … Perhaps the reason for this lies in the close relationship between mother and daughter. You can also say that the heart is located on the left. Therefore, the feeling gets a response in this very organ.
- Right ovary - resentment against the father … It is here that the feeling of resentment towards the very dear man lurks, who is obliged to protect and support from the cradle.
The more offended a woman is, the greater the degree of damage to certain organs. In mild cases, it can be a rapidly passing inflammation, in severe cases, it comes to surgical intervention. The situation becomes especially sad if the mental pain lurks from others, is not pronounced, or even pushed into the subconscious. At first glance, the main locus of feeling is directed inside the person. Resentment is associated with intense emotional pain, and it seems to us that this is its main essence. But careful analysis shows that this is not entirely true. The main components of the structure of feeling are anger and powerlessness. The latter arises because the event has happened, and nothing can be changed. Anger is directed at the person who has offended us. It is connected with the fact that expectations were not met. For example, we give someone a gift, we expect that the person will be delighted and will actively use it. And in response, indifference or even a negative assessment. It is in this place that resentment arises: powerlessness to change anything and anger. At the same time, we often do not have the opportunity to express it, since we will show our weakness or overstep the bounds of decency. Therefore, anger does not go out, but turns inward and rages there for a short or long time.
The main types of resentment
It is necessary to distinguish between the actual offense and the mental. It is a mental resentment that can destroy relationships and a person's life year after year, without giving him any chance of happiness. The mental character of a feeling is the attachment of the basic feeling of unhappiness received in early childhood to all subsequent relationships. It is as if a person examines each of his conflicts or misunderstandings with others through the magnifying glass of old traumas. Therefore, even a minor misunderstanding is perceived as a fatal insult, and the relationship goes downhill.
Female resentment against men
Women's grievances stand apart and give rise to a whole range of personal, family and child-parental problems. A girl, a woman is a weak and defenseless creature. In many cases, she simply cannot adequately respond to the offender, since she completely depends on him. The danger of female offense lies in its ability to poison all the space around for many years to come. And it can be extremely difficult to find the ends, the reasons in such cases.
Resentment against your husband can be the result of childhood trauma. The father did not support, was indifferent, criticized, thwarted evil. The girl's expectations from the figure of her father, supporting and protecting, did not come true. A mental (basic) resentment has arisen. This feeling, it seems, should not be transferred to the husband, this is a different person, but it turns out differently.
In any tense situation, the basic bitterness joins the momentary discontent, and the resentment against the beloved grows to cosmic proportions. It seems to a woman that her husband does not love her, deliberately offends her, does it out of spite, does not value her, and she scandals more and more. In such situations, men most often run away, but this is not the end of the story. The next husband comes, then another, but everything ends according to one scenario. In the end, the unfortunate woman concludes that all men are goats, and begins to ignore the stronger sex. Some come to this conclusion after the first time and never enter into a relationship again.
But the situation becomes especially threatening if a male child is born to an offended woman. On the surface, she seems to love him and scratch her eyes out for him, but an inner veiled resentment against a man makes her mother press the baby almost from childhood. She always finds a reason: not neat enough, not attentive enough, made a Skoda, came at the wrong time, etc. The result can even be a maniac.
Male grudge against women
Boys are very vulnerable. They are less tolerant of conflicts because they are unable to express emotions, express them in tears, or speak openly. After all, society teaches them from childhood that "Only girls cry", "Be a man, otherwise you have let the nuns go."
The result of this is negative emotions accumulated over the years, which find a response in problems with others, distrust of people in general. For example:
- If the mother is to blame … Usually, difficulties arise in men with a strong-willed and tough mother. She controls every step, it is difficult to get affection and attention from her. Usually such mothers are careerists, who gave birth “so that like all people” and do not take an active part in the life of their son, confining themselves to cuffs for bad grades and unworthy behavior. Or, on the contrary, those who believe that "they gave all their life to him." Such mothers simply have nowhere else to direct their emotions, except for the child. These can be divorced, abandoned or betrayed ladies. They constantly monitor, blackmail even adult sons. Usually, it is extremely difficult for such children to build their own destiny, because they do not want to upset or offend their mother. And she, in turn, does not see a suitable pair for her beloved son. As a result, an adult man remains offended for life and may even die alone, never finding a woman who is able to please his mother.
- If the first love is to blame, wife … Resentment from the first relationship, betrayal can be reflected in any subsequent ones. As in the case of women, men begin to look for a catch in new relationships, do not trust their partner and wait for them to be stabbed in the back. Usually, if such a person marries, he becomes a terrible jealous person, plaguing his spouse with suspicions, albeit completely unfounded.
- If the fault is a daughter or a son … As mentioned above, even resentment about unfulfilled dreams in relation to your child can bring the offended person to oncology. Most often, this condition affects emotional men who devoted a lot of time to their children and did not expect that they could become different from what they were in their dreams.
Positive and negative expressions of resentment
The feeling of resentment is part of the structure of our emotionality and cannot be good or bad by definition. It simply exists as a normal reaction of the psyche to unpleasant influences. But psychologists do not welcome touchiness as a character trait and in every possible way recommend getting rid of it. A person who is offended all the time, is tragically silent (man), capriciously blowing his lips (woman), demonstrating not their true emotions. Sensitivity is used by them to manipulate others. By demonstrating their resentment and discontent, they try to control loved ones. The destructive mechanism of resentment is most clearly seen in the mothers of elderly bachelors. Every time when sons try to arrange their personal life, such mothers fall into prostration. No, they do not make scandals, but their appearance expresses all the sorrow of the world, and the sons give up. Touchiness makes life easier for its owner, but spoils the health of others. It is much easier to play on the feelings of guilt of people close to you than to try to negotiate with them. The tactics of such manipulation have tremendous possibilities for control, but there is no need to talk about spiritual closeness, respect, mutual understanding, and contact in the family. Touchy people are afraid and feared. They communicate with them through force, rather out of a sense of duty, and not out of love.
In fact, grudges bring tremendous benefits, which are expressed in the following:
- Show our weak points. You should never let go of this feeling from yourself without understanding what it signals. For example, a cheerful conversation between a partner and a friend caused strong resentment and wild jealousy. Digging into yourself, you may find that the negative reaction has its roots in childhood, where your parents preferred you to your brother or sister. You need to work on an old childhood trauma, and then the usual friendly conversation will not cause such painful experiences.
- In the event of the end of the relationship, the benefit of resentment in anesthetic properties. The gap is accompanied by a whole heap of unpleasant things. Longing for another person, lack of communication with him - this is extremely difficult to endure. But anger and self-pity help to distance yourself from someone who has been an important part of life for a long time. The strength appears to turn the page and move on.
- Resentment helps release negative emotions. She raises all the emotional slag from the soul and brings it out. In addition, it is even useful to sort things out from time to time. As noted above, "small bowls" are better than years of accumulated discontent.
It is interesting! Touchy people often grow out of very spoiled children. Parents fulfill all their desires on demand. Because of this, they have two shortcomings: the belief that everyone around them should, and the inability to work.
How to get rid of feelings of resentment
Figuring out how to overcome negative feelings is not easy. Practical psychologists offer numerous recommendations, but they either do not work in a state of emotional outburst, or are difficult for laymen to use. However, it is impossible to live long in a state of severe emotional distress. Therefore, you need to choose from a variety of tips the one that is more or less suitable and use it.
Ways to get rid of resentment:
- Do not accumulate in yourself … In one legend, the sage advises using the "small cup" for misunderstandings with people. That is, do not accumulate your discontent to an unbearable size when it ends with a surge of emotions, a scandal or a breakdown in relations, but to find out all the moments that are classified as unfair at once.
- Let go of the situation, take it as it is … Resentment is always the result of our unjustified expectations. They are generated by dreams, desires and our ideas about the other. The person is not to blame that we have come up with character traits that he does not have. Moreover, it is not his fault that he does not possess telepathy and does not guess our desires. Awareness of this fact helps to reduce the degree of our dissatisfaction and colors the problem in a completely different way.
- Be sure to speak out … Negative emotions leave through words. Contact your friends, girlfriends, psychologist, priest, call the helpline. The main thing is not to carry negativity in yourself.
- Working out the situation with a partner … Take courage and break the silence. Explain your feelings to the abuser and make a complaint. Most likely, he will be surprised and annoyed. Even if you have been offended on purpose, they are unlikely to admit it. More often than not, people feel extremely uncomfortable and apologize.
- Forgive and let go … If you see that someone deliberately constantly offends you, think about it, do you really need this person? Loving people take good care of their partners. They can hurt unintentionally. But, if the situation repeats for a long time, perhaps you are dealing with an energy vampire. These types of individuals feed on the pain of others. You cannot remake them. The only way out is to leave.
- Introspection … Try to understand if it was this person who hurt you, or if your strong reaction lies in past troubles. Perhaps overwork, nervous strain, or old injuries are to blame. Then you need to apologize, not someone in front of you.
- Help from outside … If you cannot cope with painful experiences on your own, the psychologist will tell you how to let go of the insult. A specialist is not cheap, but our well-being, love, relationships are priceless. Moreover, the body's response to a feeling can be not only a temporary disorder, but a broken life and lost health.
How to let go of resentment - watch the video:
Thus, resentment is a complex psycho-emotional state that all people, without exception, face. It is important to get rid of it in a timely manner and not carry it in you for years. It is harmful to our mental and physical health.
