Who is an abuser? Psychological portrait and behavioral features. 15 signs of a home tyrant How to end a toxic relationship?
An abuser is a person who skillfully uses psychological, and not only, techniques to suppress a partner, to take control of him, simultaneously imposing a sense of guilt and various complexes on him. Anyone can become a tyrant: a close relative, boss, friend, neighbor. But if in some cases it is relatively easy to break the oppressive bonds, then the abuse in the relationship of the couple is much more difficult to control. And first of all, because it is not possible to recognize it at once. The cunning "beast" is able to hide for a long time under the guise of tender care, until you find yourself in his claws.
Who is an abuser?
Since the word "abuse" itself is translated as "abuse", "ill-treatment", "violence", then the abuser in simple words is a rapist. But not the one who is waiting for his victim with a knife in the alley, but the one who constantly, day after day, psychologically puts pressure on his partner, trying to break his will, destroy self-esteem, trample on individuality.
At the same time, our antihero acts very cunningly. His favorite tools of suppression - criticism, jealousy, accusations, manipulation, intimidation and even outright physical violence - he keeps to himself for the time being, because otherwise the victim of the abuser will realize too early where the wind is blowing and jump off the hook. No, at first everything is presented as the most quivering love and care!
An emotional or psychological abuser in every possible way demonstrates a desire to be near, to help, to take on the solution of difficult problems and, in general, looks like the ultimate dream. However, over time, the behavior of the abuser begins to change, and now the request to meet with friends less often in order to have more time for each other develops into a complete ban on communication, cute teasing about the appearance or qualities of a partner turns into sarcastic remarks. Alarm calls “Where are you? I worry!" result in total control, in which the unfortunate "half" does not dare to stick his nose out of the house without permission.
As a rule, by this time, life with the abuser manages to cut the victim so much that she does not see anything unhealthy in what is happening. Against! It does not occur to her how it is possible to make claims to a person who tolerates such a stupid, ugly, worthless creature next to him, and even cares about him, telling him what to do!
Note! The most common victims of emotional abusers are people who grew up in a family with authoritarian parents. Once in a situation with a familiar scenario, they quickly submit to it, begin to perceive the tyrant as an extension of parental power and, not really understanding what the abuser means to them, stubbornly continue to cling to unhealthy relationships.
By the way, problems in the family are characteristic not only of the victim, but also of the rapist himself, since they become abuser not from birth. Yes, some prerequisites for such behavior - selfishness, callousness, hereditary mental disorders - can be laid down in a person from the very beginning, but the atmosphere in which the child grows up is much more important. Overly demanding parents, physical or sexual abuse experienced at a young age, and neglect by the people who matter to the child play a much larger role.
The psychological profile of an abuser very often includes:
- own complexes, which a person tries to suppress, humiliating and breaking others;
- the confidence that everyone around him owes something to him;
- refusal to admit his guilt, the abuser will always find someone to blame;
- resentment with or without reason, with the obligatory expectation of the first step towards reconciliation from a partner;
- lability of mood.
One of the brightest touches in the portrait of the abuser is the sudden outbursts of rage, which are just as quickly replaced by a complacent mood, as soon as negative emotions are splashed out.
Note! While women also act as emotional abusers, especially when it comes to children, retirees or employees, the vast majority of abusers in relationships are men. Dry statistics call the figure 90%, and even if you question its data, since not every victim of abuse declares himself, the bias turns out to be significant.
Why is abuse dangerous? Numerous observations have proved that existence under conditions of constant psychological pressure inevitably leads to personality degradation. A woman living with a male abuser loses self-confidence, loses her will, ceases to strive for anywhere. Her self-esteem literally crumbles to dust, and a persistent conviction settles in her soul that all the nagging, humiliation, even beatings are fully deserved, and it is simply impossible to count on something else. Naturally, there is no need to expect anything good from such a relationship.
15 main signs of an abuser
As already mentioned, the main danger of an emotional rapist lies in his ability to act slowly and prudently, first rubbing into the confidence of the victim and only after a certain time starting to train her. Sometimes he acts so dexterously that it is difficult to discern the signs of a male abuser in a relationship that seems ideal, even for unbiased viewers, not to mention a woman in love. However, this must be done, and the sooner, the more chances you will have of leaving the field of this hopeless battle with normal self-esteem and surviving nerves. So how do you recognize an abuser?
Sugary-affectionate "Begemotik", "My Pyshechka", "Beloved Hobbit", which a person persistently inserts into his speech, despite the fact that you made it clear that it is unpleasant for you, are one of the favorite means of an emotional rapist.
The abuser knows very well that if you immediately tell a girl: "You are fat" or "You have short legs," she will be indignant. But if you constantly hint at real or fictional flaws, one day a friend herself will believe in her own inferiority, and the first serious damage will be done to her self-esteem.
Note! As a rule, the psychological abuser disguises his insults as a joke and skillfully “switches the arrows” to the victim: “You just don't have a sense of humor, do you understand that I am loving it?”
There is no better way to convince a person that he is a loser than permanent criticism, so constant remarks and nagging are one of the main signs of an abuser in a relationship. Here everything moves in a manner characteristic of an emotional rapist, slowly and inexorably - from soft reproachful remarks "Zaya, well, you always drop everything (forget, overdo it), and why do I only love you?" to "Stupid creature, how much can you drive into your oak head, what is it doing wrong ?!"
At the same time, it is simply impossible to please the critic. If you tell the abuser guy that the sweater you knitted was bought for a decent amount, he will notice through his lips: "People have strange tastes." If you meet him with a shiny apartment and a hot five-course dinner, he will scold you for a salt shaker that is not ideally placed in the center of the table.
It doesn't even matter what the young lady does in her free time, they will still explain to her that she is suffering from nonsense. The victim can cook soap, crochet, cut diamonds, save abandoned animals, volunteer in an orphanage, or invent a cure for cancer - all this will be mercilessly ridiculed, and the results of the activity will be devalued, since one of the main tasks of the abuser is to deprive the victim of the desire to do something. -or, besides him, a loved one. And only when she admits that she wasted her life on meaningless activities and abandons them, the rapist will be satisfied.
Behind this fancy foreign word, which is the clearest sign of an abuser, there is disgusting psychological manipulation that makes the victim doubt his own adequacy. Whatever claims are made to the emotional rapist, he dismisses them with such a categorical air that the victim is lost and begins to doubt himself.
Favorite arguments of the abuser: “Did I insult you yesterday? Stop inventing!”,“I didn’t say that for sure, why are you lying?”,“You react too emotionally to nonsense. Stop cheating yourself!"
The method is widely used by domineering parents who do not want to let their child off the leash, and male abuser in relationships with women. The victim is told at every opportunity that she will not cope, will not understand, will not be able to, imposing on her the role of a weak and stupid child with an omnipotent parent.
This method is characterized by phrases:
- “Give me better, it’s all the same to redo after you”;
- "Listen to what I am telling you, otherwise you will go back into a puddle!";
- "You can't figure it out with your chicken brains anyway, leave it to me."
The result is a finished off self-esteem and complete helplessness. Sometimes the victim cannot even decide what to wear before going out without being pointed at it.
Devaluation of experiences
You cannot expect sympathy from the abuser. If at first he still demonstrates support and understanding, as the relationship develops, the victim in a difficult period for himself will be able to count only on a contemptuous grin and the question: "And you call it problems?"
Whatever trouble falls on a friend, they will definitely explain to her that children are starving in Africa, there are people with disabilities in the world, and the abuser himself is right now struggling with difficulties that she, with her wretched outlook on life, never dreamed of, so there is nothing to whine.
Monopoly on finance
It is believed that this type of pressure is especially actively used by psychological abusers-men, since in the “rapist-victim” pair they are usually the main earners, while a woman is content with the role of a housewife or performs low-paid work, devoting time not to her career, but to serving her partner. …
However, practice shows that in fact the abuser does not care who brings the main income to the family. Even if the partner earns two or three times more, the money is taken away with a light heart into the “general budget”, from which she is given small crumbs for housekeeping almost on receipt.
- “You’ll let it all go down to nonsense again”;
- “How can I trust you with money?”;
- "Yes, I spent xxx rubles on this thing, should I have asked you for permission ?!"
But the famous games of silence as a method of manipulating a partner are rumored to be attributed to women, although they are no less common among the signs of a male abuser. Ignoring is triggered when the victim is already firmly stuck in a relationship and, despite humiliation or criticism, feels painful attachment to a partner.
It was then that the tyrant begins to punish her with silence for any offense, defiantly ignores, and sometimes completely disappears in an unknown direction, however, prudently leaving the opportunity to call and ask for forgiveness.
Hostility towards the victim's environment
An emotional rapist will definitely try to create a vacuum around the woman as soon as possible, in which there will be no place for friends, colleagues, or even relatives.
After all, what good, they can inspire already actually hooked prey that it is not so bad, fight against its complexes, provide positive emotions … worse, they will help to get out of control, which is what the abuser fears most.
At first, the pathological desire of an emotional rapist to keep his finger on the pulse of his victim's life as tightly as possible may look like a sign of sincere love. Even if it seems to a woman that the sweetheart is a little overdoing it with care, she does not know how to resist the abuser without offending him.
Made 16 calls in 2 hours? Oh, how he misses me! Did you get into SMS without asking? Jealous, it's so cute! Requires you to give him passwords from mail and social networks? Well, okay, if he is so calmer!
However, in the shortest possible time, the care goes beyond all reasonable limits and covers, like a suffocating blanket. Messages in instant messengers, telephone conversations, movement around the city are taken under control … And soon the victim discovers that he literally cannot take a step without reporting.
Note! The penchant for constant control is a reference sign of a psychological abuser, it is equally inherent in both men and women.
Accusations of treason
A friend of the abuser can shave on her bald head, put on a burqa and lock herself in the kitchen, but he will still find something to reproach:
- “Do you think I didn’t see you making eyes at him?”;
- “Why do you have so many men in your social networks? A decent girl will not allow herself this!"
- “A new dress for a corporate party ?! Whom are you going to seduce there?"
The meaning is the same: to make the victim quiet and submissive, to make her avoid any social contacts. A woman who is afraid to smile at the seller or give a tip to the waiter is clearly not going anywhere from under the tutelage of the abuser.
Strengthening feelings of guilt
Since the abuser husband a priori cannot be guilty of anything, responsibility for all the troubles that happen in the life of a couple is automatically assigned to a friend. It doesn't matter if there was a spat, whether the abuser was scolded by a strict boss or the car flattened, the victim will not hesitate to tell the victim that it was all her work:
- “Look at what you've brought me to!”;
- "If you hadn't stuffed my head with nonsense, I would have submitted my report on time!"
- "You always distract me from the road!"
Since the abuser behaves very consistently, not missing the chance to once again poke a friend's nose into her "guilt", with a sufficiently long psychological treatment, the victim begins to believe that all problems really happen because of her, and begins to be afraid to open his mouth again or to step without the direction of his master.
Appeals to conscience
If you think that only parents are capable of wringing their hands and lamenting: "We are all for you, and you!..", then you are deeply mistaken. The Abuser does it just as well. Even, perhaps, better, clearly making it clear: he denies himself everything for the well-being of his friend, periodically removes stars from the sky and brings home gutted mammoths personally, and the callous egoist does not appreciate this and capriciously stomps his foot.
Having listened to him, even the most offended woman will involuntarily be ashamed and will begin to ask herself if she has rushed to conclusions.
Attempts to delay at any cost
If the victim receives his sight and tries to break off the strange relationship, various manipulations are used in order to force her to stay. An emotional rapist will surely report that without her he will disappear, get drunk, commit suicide, and only a cruel friend will be to blame for this.
Very often, even after parting, the abuser does not abandon attempts to return the usual toy, because so much time and effort was invested in taming it!
Throwing things, hitting the wall with a fist, swinging even without direct physical impact - these are the most real tools of psychological violence. Does your partner regularly allow himself something like that? We can say that the abuser test has been passed, and we need to collect things. Unless, of course, both of you are not distinguished by violent temperaments, and the saucers flying around the apartment do not serve as a prelude for you to a crazy act of love.
Note! But physical violence in any of its manifestations is not just a sign of an abuser, but a loud alarm that requires you to leave your partner as soon as possible.
How to get away from the abuser?
If you have carefully analyzed the situation and realized that you have fallen into a toxic relationship, rejoice: you have taken the first step on the path to salvation. Now it is important to move on and, above all, try to pave your way to retreat, since it makes no sense to live with an abuser, hoping for his magical transformation.
For the sake of fairness, let us note: it happens that an emotional rapist himself is not fully aware of his behavior, and you can get through to him. If it works out, great. Persuade your partner to attend at least a few sessions of a psychologist, who will help reveal the reasons for his actions and outline a plan for getting out of the situation. However, it will only work if the person himself wants to know how to stop being an abuser and starts actively working on himself. It really works, as evidenced by the confessions of former abuser on the Web! If the man brushes off your words and clearly does not plan to change, there are no options - you have to leave.
How to get away from the abuser:
- Accept that you are innocent by simply realizing who the abuser is in the relationship. Even if you were Miss World with three honors diplomas, a diploma of the Best Mistress of the Millennium and an agreeable character, he would find something to find fault with, so you should not reproach yourself for not being perfect enough for this relationship.
- Relieve yourself of responsibility for the man's behavior. There are no circumstances that would force a person to criticize, humiliate, and even more so beat a partner.
- Try to distance yourself from the abuser as much as possible. Ideally, it is better to put an end to the relationship in one fell swoop and move out without giving the partner a new address.
- If you failed to break all contacts - for example, you study at the same educational institution or work together, think in advance how to behave with the abuser when you meet. Surely he will try to get you back or arrange provocations to make you feel like a failure again. Try to react calmly, or better yet, with humor, it is discouraging for these types of people. But in any case, communication should be strictly dosed, protecting yourself from pressure.
- Alas, in our reality, people who have lived together for a long time do not always have the opportunity to leave. If this is your case, try to focus on your interests: do everything to expand your social circle, get a hobby, try to awaken an interest in life. Do not be afraid of healthy selfishness! Think about what exactly you want. Do not react to manipulations and attempts to drag you into a showdown, and if you try to physical pressure, do not hesitate to contact the police.
- Seek support. Relatives, friends, a psychologist, crisis centers for women and hotlines for victims of violence, including psychological violence, can be powerful help. Look on the Internet for information about such organizations in your city or region, their employees will not only tell you how to get rid of the abuser, but also, if necessary, will provide support with deeds.
- Love yourself, praise and pamper. After meeting with the abuser, you need it.
How to recognize a future abuser - watch the video: