Interpersonal relationships with foster children and prospects for their development. The article will offer recommendations for communicating with a child who was taken from an orphanage. Children from an orphanage are not just a psychological problem for themselves, but also tangible difficulties in their upbringing with foster parents. A child taken under such care requires increased attention and care. It is necessary to understand the factors that affect the maturation of a full-fledged personality from a baby who has fallen into a similar situation.
Formation of a child's personality in an orphanage
When considering this issue, attention should be paid to the age differentiation of the voiced problem. The characteristics of children from orphanages often depend on the stage of development of a small applicant for the right to become a full member of a new family. Such an analysis is necessary in order to understand all the upcoming aspects in the upbringing of a foster child.
Children without parental care up to 3 years
A rather alarming factor is a certain formed pattern that women in labor increasingly began to abandon children at their very birth. Without delving into the reasons for the actions of such unfortunate mothers, one should consider the factors of personality formation in an abandoned child from birth to 3 years. It should also be noted that the families of the orphanages could also lose as a result of the death of their parents from an illness or an accident.
The initial understanding of your situation begins directly in the Baby House. In the future, the child is sent to other special institutions, where he undergoes a program of socialization of children from an orphanage. The kid, during the voiced period of his physical and psychological maturation, is not yet ready to adequately respond to the life catastrophe that has developed with him. However, on the subconscious, every child, without parental affection, seeks to compensate for this significant gap in his life.
If, however, a situation happened in the life of the baby that he was taken away from his mother due to her inability to give the child full-fledged conditions for upbringing, as well as in the presence of addictions, there is no need to hope that the child will quickly forget her. The worst mother is a loved and dear person. In addition, due to age, the baby does not understand what could be different. Therefore, withdrawal from the family becomes a great stress for him. With such children, it is initially necessary to work with a psychologist.
Children without parents after 3 years
At this age, the process of adaptation to the current situation is more painful and problematic. The child begins to understand that he is deprived of a family in the generally accepted understanding for her, which is expressed in him in a certain model of behavior.
After reaching the age of three, the subconscious search for parents is most clearly manifested in refusenik children or orphans. Literally in every person who has shown concern for them, they see those who will become their support and protection in the future. The feelings of such small personalities are bared to the limit, so they do not need any additional moral shock.
It is worth noting that even mothers who lead an immoral lifestyle have children who are very docile and attached to them. In orphanages, they often face situations where children steal food and try to take it to their dysfunctional parents. After three years, children have already formed certain patterns of behavior in the family. Foster parents should have a lot of patience and wisdom.
The first acquaintance with the adopted child
When a couple decided to take into their home a new family member who is not native to them by blood, then they should clearly think over their behavior during initial contact with him. It must be remembered that a lot depends on the age of the future son or daughter. Therefore, it is recommended to take this important factor into account when preparing for the first meeting with the child.
Psychologists offer the following nuances in resolving this issue, which will help foster parents to behave correctly at such an important moment in their life:
- Appearance … You need to be especially careful if you have to meet a child who has not reached the age of three. In this period of development of a small personality, all physiological reactions to strangers are especially exacerbated in her. Experts advise to choose your outfit with maximum responsibility before the first meeting, so as not to initially alienate the baby. Ideally, you should dress in soft colored clothing with a minimum of jewelry. When choosing a perfume, you also need to be extremely careful, because pungent smells are often not perceived by young children. The explanation of these warnings is very simple: a refusal child or an orphan is accustomed to people in white coats. Therefore, a person with an abundance of color accents in clothes can simply scare them. In this case, it is better to choose a practical outfit, because when meeting a future son or daughter, sometimes a walk on the playground is meant, where festive new clothes will be inappropriate.
- The right way to meet … Everything must be done unobtrusively so as not to frighten the child from the orphanage. The ideal behavior would be "accidentally walked by - what a cute child - what's your name?" In this case, a casual conversation can be struck up, which will suit both interlocutors. Some adults make the gross mistake when they rush to the children from the described institutions with their arms. Of course, every child-refusenik or orphan dreams of a father and mother, but he does not always see them in unfamiliar uncle and aunt. It is necessary to give him time to get used to new people who want to radically change his life.
- Maximum control of your senses … Foster parents come to the orphanage to give the child the warmth of their souls and reliable protection from all everyday troubles. However, some incompetent people lose control of their emotions. This is expressed in a trembling voice, strained shoulders and awkward movements. Excitement is common to all adoptive parents in such a situation, but you don't need to bring it to the point of absurdity. As a result, the stiffness is transmitted to the child, who, on a subconscious level, begins to feel fear and will try to distance himself from the object that frightens him.
- Maximum passivity … This is especially true for future dads, who should be the most careful when meeting their future son or daughter for the first time. It should be remembered that babies under three years old could simply not see men, because the overwhelming majority of women work in the orphanage. Consequently, an incomprehensible object and a stranger that frightens them becomes a kind of threat to them when it begins to take active actions towards them.
- Minimum of necessary things with you … It is necessary to take into account the fact that even children from complete families love to study the pockets and bags of their parents. The child learns the world, so it is important for him to know everything and about everything that is happening around him. It will be quite difficult to withdraw from an interested researcher what he managed to secretly get hold of. In any case, children will want to play with a mobile phone or audit a visitor's wallet. Therefore, it is best to put any surprises pleasant for the child in pockets or bags, which you will not be sorry to part with.
- Choosing the right setting … The most unfortunate option when getting to know each other will be the scheme "the director's office - enter the child - we are after you son (daughter)". The first meeting should take place in an area that will not frighten the little person. It is necessary to respect her feelings in order to establish contact with her in the future without unnecessary problems. Ideal options for acquaintance are a playroom, a bedroom, or a walking area. In such an environment, it is easiest to win over a child whom foster parents want to make a full member of their family.
- Correct answers to questions … In this case, this is one of the most difficult stages when meeting children from an orphanage. Psychologists recommend the utmost honesty when talking with a future son or daughter, because they will immediately feel fake and outright flirting. In no case should a child be given false hope if there is no firm confidence in his further adoption. Children who are betrayed twice can receive significant psychological trauma, from which sometimes they will never get away.
- Correctly selected gifts … Some inexperienced parents are ready to fill up their child with all sorts of tasty things, if only the child smiles. When you first meet your adopted son or daughter, you should very carefully approach the voiced question. It is best to speak with your local pediatrician in advance to find out about the characteristics of the baby from the orphanage. If there are no allergic reactions to certain foods, then you can bring as a gift any yoghurts without additives, bagels or apples. This food is neutral, but literally all children like it.
- Can't be overwhelmed with gifts … This is especially true for children over 3 years old. The fact is that the child will not be able to eat everything, he will have to take some with him to the group. However, there is no need to build illusions about the children's team. There are quite a few aggressive and envious children there. If the baby returns from future parents with a large number of gifts, then most likely they will simply be taken away from him.
- Preparing for the next meeting … Before leaving, it is worth talking to the child, was it interesting for him to communicate, would he like to meet again. Don't take all the answers to heart. The kid may be scared, if he has already had a bad experience with potential parents, then he may simply not make contact. However, don't despair! From the second or third meeting, children slowly thaw out if they see a sincere interest in their personality. And to make the communication process even better, you can ask what the child would like to receive at the next meeting. Do not be intimidated by desires that are too transcendental. For example, children may ask for a computer or telephone. The fact is that over the years spent in the orphanage, they get used to the fact that visitors rarely come and give something significant. Therefore, they try to take maximum advantage of the current situation.
Important! The first acquaintance with an adopted child is a very responsible event that requires the maximum correctness and wisdom from future parents. It is necessary to carefully consider all the stages of the upcoming meeting in order to immediately establish contact with a possibly new family member. The main thing is not to give too much hope, if the parents have not yet fully decided that this is “their child”.
Adaptation of a child in a foster family
If a foster child from a special institution is taken into custody (adoption) already at a fairly conscious age, then you should remember about some of the rules for his acquaintance with the immediate environment. Raising children from an orphanage is a crucial moment that goes through a multi-phase process of adaptation of a new family member.
Physiological aspects of getting used to a new environment
First of all, every person is a living organism that is sensitive to all kinds of changes. A child who finds himself in an unfamiliar environment may experience discomfort even at a physiological level. First of all, this applies to the following aspects of his discomfort, which look like this:
- Increased anxiety … Overexcitement often negatively affects the functioning of the child's gastrointestinal tract. Therefore, at least for the first time after arriving from the orphanage, he must be protected from food that is unusual and heavy for him. The abundance of sweets can also negatively affect these children, who are often not used to such gastronomic excesses. All this will only increase the anxiety of the pupil of the orphanage, who will already be problematic to develop a new territory for him.
- Excessive fussiness … This is especially noticeable in the first period of adaptation of a child to a new home and family. Children in this phase of getting used to everything unusual are especially susceptible to all kinds of problems in the field of psychomotor skills. If the described factor is observed, then it is best to contact a pediatrician who will indicate possible ways to get rid of the problem that has arisen.
- Cold … In 80% of cases, children who have just been brought home become ill literally on the same day or the next. Their temperature rises, bronchitis or ARVI are noted. Parents shouldn't panic. This is the body's response to a change in environment. It is worth using this time to get to know a new family member better, to show that in this house he will be surrounded by care and love.
Psychological features of a child's adaptation to a new family
The emotional impulses of any person are often subject to some adjustment with great difficulty. However, children are a kind of plasticine, from which, if desired, you can really mold a self-sufficient person. To do this, you can take the following actions that will help in resolving the voiced question:
- Providing things that are familiar to the child … Sometimes it is important for children to see next to them what has become for them an obligatory accessory from a past life. Experts recommend, when adopting (guardianship), to take from the orphanage those household items that have a beneficial effect on the child's mood. Sometimes the simplest, dirtiest and worn-out toy helps to adapt, as if it gives a little protection from new circumstances.
- The measured rhythm of life … The period of familiarization with the new environment in this case does not tolerate fuss. Not every adult is able to adequately respond to unexpected events in his life that cause him some discomfort. Consequently, a child from an orphanage should gradually get used to the environment in which he first came.
- Minimum obsession … This aspect is a key link in the chain called “what children from an orphanage need”. It is difficult to earn the love of an adult, but the trust of a child with such a destiny is real. It is very correct and step by step to make it clear to the little person that she is significant in the new family.
- Don't ask for help at first … The fact is that many children from the orphanage have no idea how even banal tea is made. For them, the drink is a brown liquid brought by a caring nanny. The situation is similar with dishwashing and washing. Children are rarely allowed to such activities, since this is not allowed according to the rules of the orphanage. There were cases among adoptive parents when a child, trying to please the new family, volunteered to go to the kitchen and bring tea or food. However, I did not find "the usual brown liquid" there. This situation often ended in hysteria, since the new family member tried with all his might to please, but could not. For him, this is a serious defeat, the fear that he will be returned back, as he could not.
- Defining boundaries … Children from the orphanage often do not have their belongings. They have everything in common. Therefore, you should not be surprised when a new family member will use everything. You must immediately stock up on a set for hygiene procedures, clothes, slippers, bed linen. And to react extremely calmly if the child decided to study the things of one of the family members. If the family has a blood baby, the children will have to be in the same room, then you should also help them to delimit the "territory": divide the shelves, put two tables, share toys and help find a common language.
- No reception banquets … Some parents try to immediately show their new family member to friends and relatives, arrange a holiday in his honor. The result is even more stress, closeness, and fear. You should not rush things, but you need to introduce new people gradually and unobtrusively.
- Do not go into the soul … Yes, new parents want to know everything about the child's life, about how he was in the orphanage. However, not everyone is ready to open up right away, to tell the truth, especially if it was unpleasant and unacceptable. All in good time, do not rush things.
Note! It is not difficult for parents to follow the above recommendations from specialists. The main thing when following the advice is to love your son or daughter so that they feel support from the adults who have become close to them.
Rules of conduct with an adopted child
After the inmate of a special institution has adapted to the new environment, one should think about his further development in favorable conditions for this.
Inadmissible measures of upbringing in relation to a child from an orphanage
Before talking about the correct model of behavior in relation to adopted children, it is necessary to highlight the following aspects of unacceptable measures in this process:
- Criticism of former parents … The voiced factor concerns the child who consciously remembers his stay in another house. Among themselves, adults can discuss anything they want, but the wounded psyche of a foster child from an orphanage may not be able to withstand the flow of negative information in relation to their would-be parents. The biological mother, whatever she is, will always be good at first. After a certain period of life, the child himself will be able to evaluate her behavior and make his own conclusion. But he will be very grateful if his new family does not indulge or insult his parents. It is better to talk about them either in a neutral tone, or leave the conversation until the child himself wants to speak.
- Negative personal example … A child from a special institution should become a crystal vase for their adoptive parents. In this case, we are not talking about indulging a new family member in literally everything. However, it is unacceptable to clarify the relationship between adults if they have undertaken an obligation to raise a worthy person with correct life principles from a pupil of an orphanage. It is also worth remembering why the child was removed from the family, since even minor hints of the situation can provoke new stress. For example, if blood parents are alcoholics, then at first it is better not to have a feast. A new family member can draw an analogy, according to which he is only here for a while, because these parents drink too. It means that he will be taken away again and returned to the orphanage.
- Use of physical force or mental pressure … Any child should be protected from such abuse, because this has an extremely negative effect on his psychological state. If the matter concerns children from an orphanage, then such measures of upbringing are generally unacceptable. You can also scold with a reproachful word to show the pupil his wrong behavior. Sometimes it's helpful to give him time to think by leaving one in the room, for example.
- Different approach to parenting … Initially, the newly minted dad and mom must agree on how they imagine the development of their adopted child. It is strictly forbidden to do experiments in this regard, because we are not talking about a subject of dispute or a living toy.
Correct upbringing of a foster child
The wounded of fate, who already at this age have experienced the pain of loss or betrayal, need a correct attitude towards themselves. It is necessary to competently organize their life, which psychologists see as follows:
- Maximum candor … This is especially true for those children who have withdrawn into themselves after entering a new family. Melting a baby's heart is possible only if truthfulness and honesty in relation to such a child. However, one should be very careful in words, because it is better for the children of the orphanage not to know about many things.
- Joint leisure … The new little family member will benefit from being with foster parents. A visit to a cinema, ice rink or playground will always delight any mischievous person. At the same time, he will feel that he has become the main link in a cell called "family".
- Creative development of children … You should understand for yourself what the child prefers most and what abilities he has. After such research, you can advise your pupil about a circle or section. The easiest way to do this is if a newborn was adopted at one time. In the process of growing up, it will not be difficult to reveal even the hidden abilities of a talented person in something. However, when taking care of a teenager, you should not rush him. Severe stress from changing schools, friends, and familiar surroundings takes time to adapt. Already with school friends, the child will be able to find a hobby for himself.
- Do not be afraid to contact a psychologist … Some parents are simply afraid of this in panic, because they can be accused of failure. In fact, this attitude is only supported by social services. Especially if a teenager appeared in the house. Difficult age, a change in habits and, what to hide, disappointment and distrust of a child can lead to the fact that he will simply become a real tyrant. In this case, it really makes sense to seek help from a professional, but in no case give up and give up. Sometimes they simply "test the strength" of new parents, completely not believing that they will no longer be betrayed and that this family is forever.
How to behave with a child from an orphanage - watch the video:
Anyone who has been tested by special services can take a child from an orphanage. However, not every couple is able to give the pupil what he needs for full development. Consequently, one must remember about the enormous responsibility for someone else's fate when it comes to accepting a child of someone else's blood into his family. There is no need to take out of pity, out of a desire to keep the family together, or simply because "the time has come." The decision must be balanced, rational. And, of course, it is worth asking for help with education from specialists if conflicts or unpleasant situations suddenly arise.
