Living together with parents and the danger of such living in the same territory. The article will give recommendations to daughters-in-law and sons-in-law on how to properly organize their communication with the older generation of the family. Living together with parents is a reality of our time, when a young couple simply does not have the opportunity to lead a separate life due to financial problems. The housing issue will always be a serious problem for a new family who wants to live separately from their dads and mothers. Building relationships is a crucial issue, so it is worth dealing with all the pitfalls for the newly-made community of loving hearts in the form of their living with the parents of a husband or wife.
Causes of conflicts when living together with parents
Our wise ancestors have always maintained that there is no smoke without fire. In every negative situation, one should look for the root of evil, because of which serious passions sometimes flare up.
Psychologists believe that the following factors are the main reasons for the discord between the older and younger generations when living together:
- New person in the family … Not every egocentric person is capable of understanding and sympathizing with a stranger from the first acquaintance. Many people are used to an orderly lifestyle where everything is familiar and familiar. The appearance of a new family member can literally be perceived by household members as an invasion of an enemy force into the territory of private property.
- Rejection of the choice of a son or daughter … Very often, conflicts in the cohabitation of two families arise precisely on this by no means fertile ground. The chosen one of his beloved offspring may categorically dislike his parents. Such hostility arises both due to idle speculation and on the basis of quite obvious facts.
- Household troubles … Running a joint household is a sensitive issue when two housewives find themselves in the kitchen or it is necessary to serve a newly-made son-in-law. Many people react quite aggressively to such changes, because they are used to a certain routine of life in their family.
- Systematic notation … The older generation has a habit of teaching young people from the height of their life experience. Sometimes such preaching becomes an obsession with making your children happy against their will. Tedious reasoning about the meaning of life can harm relationships in a new family, because they are not yet stable and vulnerable.
- Invasion of personal space … Some parents are rather unceremonious about a new family member. They are on their territory, which gives them the right (according to their reasoning) to control all movements of the son-in-law or daughter-in-law. As a result, a conflict flares up, which is then very difficult to resolve.
- Deny visits from friends … “My home is my castle,” and some parents take it literally. In most cases, they do not understand that newlyweds need to communicate with their friends. If a grandson or granddaughter has appeared in the family, then this problem may become even more aggravated, because the newly-minted dad or mom cannot leave the house to visit friends. For their part, parents forbid inviting guests to their home. This leads to scandals in a young family, because they simply do not have the opportunity to relax and relieve stress.
- Different views on religion … This problem only at first glance seems to be an insignificant trifle. However, newlyweds often do not think about how parents with a different religion will react to their marriage. A Muslim woman in an Orthodox family or a Slav woman in a community of people who revere Allah can become a significant problem for mutual understanding in the established community. It should be noted that in this case mentality also plays a decisive role. After all, it is not always easy for Slavic girls to submit to new requirements, especially those that contradict a free and independent nature. Fulfilling all the new requirements of the mother-in-law or completely becoming a servant of her husband (in accordance with the concepts of the people) is not an easy test.
- Financial distinction … Parents of children who have decided to start a family are very often already financially established personalities in life. A young family with more than modest financial wealth can irritate ancestors with substantial material support. Problems arise especially against the background of solving general financial issues. For example, when a large purchase is ahead, and young people are simply not ready to report their money, because they believe that they can spend it more productively.
- Previous unsuccessful family experience … Not always beloved daughter or son please their parents with another worthy choice of their soulmate. If the new son-in-law or daughter-in-law in remarriage again becomes a disappointment for the older generation of the family, then the problem can reach its highest boiling point.
- Household issues and lapping … The habits of both the older generation and the younger are very different. Problems arise especially clearly when the living area is rather modest in size. In this case, you have not only to crowd, but also to put up with the restrictions of freedom, the inability to arrange even your things. Also, problems arise up to the banal desire to be like in shorts, which is unacceptable with a new family member. Those who have one TV, computer, etc. may face a similar problem. The unwillingness to make concessions, abandon their habits, or at least slightly change them due to the prevailing circumstances become new reasons for disputes.
- Interference in the privacy of young people, quarrels with the older generation … After the wedding, moments of grinding between a guy and a girl are not excluded, which can take place in raised tones. Naturally, this behavior is unpleasant for the parents. They will intervene to bring the young to reason. But there are situations when one of the couple is too influenced by their parents. In this case, they will constantly listen to reproaches about the new spouse, and then express this with all that provoke quarrels.
Important! Family life with parents is, in some cases, a ticking time bomb that can go off at any moment. Conflicts of this kind can destroy the nascent relationships of young people who are just beginning to be tested.
Prospects for living with parents
In each situation, one should look for positive aspects of its development and try to avoid its likely consequences. If it is impossible to purchase their own home, young people should be ready to live together with their parents or look for opportunities to rent their own.
The benefits of living with your parents
In any pressing problem, it is worth looking for its advantageous sides, even with a complete rejection of the current situation. With the voiced problem, there are pluses, which are as follows:
- Illustrative example … Life with parents is sometimes very rewarding if the older generation respects and loves each other. Such a model of behavior provided to newlyweds gives an excellent chance to copy it, making some adjustments in further joint plans for the future.
- Material support … For a family that has just begun to build their relationships, it is sometimes very difficult financially to keep their finances afloat. This is especially true for couples who are still in the phase of acquiring education and future profession. Therefore, at this difficult moment, they will definitely not be hindered by financial support from their parents.
- Help in raising children … At the birth of offspring, the strong shoulder of grandparents can greatly facilitate the life of a young couple. The older generation of the family has already gone through a period of trial and error when a child was born. Even with the tedious lectures of the parents of a husband or wife, which are directed towards persons inexperienced in this regard, you can glean a lot of useful information about raising children.
- wise advice … Exclusively masochists step on the same rake without drawing appropriate conclusions from the situation. In especially difficult life troubles, it is worth turning to experienced people for help, who in most cases can give a sensible recommendation. The older generation of the family is most suitable as a wise adviser in a crisis situation, because they cannot stand dirty linen in public, and one does not have to be afraid of publicity.
Disadvantages of Living with Parents
Each barrel of honey can contain its own fly in the ointment, which is not always a life disaster. However, living together with the parents of a husband or wife does not always have a beneficial effect on the relationship within a young couple.
The most negative consequences of such an organized life include the following factors:
- The likelihood of divorce … Some particularly caring parents try to impose their opinions in the form of explicit disapproval of the choice of their children. A similar demarche is made either by means of occasionally expressed barbs against the son-in-law (daughter-in-law), or by manifestation of outright indignation in the same direction. If at the same time a son or daughter takes the side of their overly active parents, then such a marriage does not have the slightest chance for the future.
- Dependent living … The material benefits of the older generation, which were acquired over long years of work, can turn the heads of their offspring. Some especially windy people, even having created their own family, continue to rely solely on the support of their parents. They do not need to strain their strength once again when all household and financial issues fall on the shoulders of their close circle.
- Quarrel with relatives … Conflicts in a young family very often provoke the formation of two camps, which begin hostilities between themselves. Usually, when living together, the daughter-in-law complains to her parents about the mother-in-law, and the son-in-law criticizes the mother-in-law. As a result, a crisis situation may form, in which every father and mother will defend the interests of their grown child, and not his family as a whole.
- Conflict of interests … Mature people very often want to spend their leisure time in peace and quiet. Each person has the right to plan further actions according to his personal taste. In addition, with age, some diseases take on a chronic form, which can significantly affect the health of already mature people. Youth parties will not always appeal to parents if a couple lives on the territory of their home who has legalized their relationship and loves such events.
- In cramped quarters, but offended … It is worth rephrasing a well-known expression when it comes to cramped living conditions. Not every young couple can acquire their own apartment or private house immediately after marriage. In some cases, they have to be in the same room with the parents of the husband or wife, which has a very negative effect on the sexual life of the beloved. And crying children, who do not allow anyone to sleep, only add negativity to an already difficult relationship.
Building family relationships in your own home is sometimes an unaffordable luxury for a newly-married couple. There is a time for everything, so it is necessary to sensibly assess the prospects for improving your life with your chosen one, even in extreme conditions.
Rules for living with parents
Every sane person should plan his life and daily routine. If in the near future it is not possible to equip your own family nest, but you should learn to adapt to the existing circumstances in the form of living with the parents of the second half.
Living together with her husband's parents
Some anecdotes about mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are not at all meaningless, because every mother hardly gives her matured child to the care of another woman.
However, a smart young lady can always find a common language with a new relative if she acts according to the following plan:
- Maximum tact … Being on foreign territory, it is very reckless to download the rights and express dissatisfaction with what is happening around. Thus, it is possible not only to completely spoil the relationship with the husband's parents, but also to significantly worsen mutual understanding with him. It is definitely not worth it to frankly fawn on new relatives, but you should also keep your mouth shut if you want to respond to criticism (albeit not deserved) with an obvious taunt.
- Questions on the merits … Any mother and father will appreciate the interest in the past of their matured child, which comes from his new wife. At the same time, in no case should you elicit from them information about the former amorous relationships of the chosen one, which will look extremely incorrect. You can offer a joint viewing of the family album, which captures all the facts of the husband's development from infancy to the already conscious age.
- Asking for advice on housekeeping … What mother-in-law doesn't like the undoubted recognition of her culinary talents and the ability to intelligently coordinate the family budget. Even if at the same time she does not cook well and is an obvious waste of money, the time for constructive criticism has not yet come. You can ask her to share the recipe for the dish that she does best.
- Demonstrative caring for a spouse … It is necessary to think about him without this line of the proposed strategy, but a little theatrical acting when establishing relations with her husband's parents still does not hurt. There is no need to hide your tender feelings for your chosen one and the desire to make his life as comfortable as possible.
- Rejection of bad habits … Gathering with friends over a glass of wine and a fragrant cigarette should not be done in front of the husband's parents. If at the same time they lead a healthy lifestyle, then such behavior can outrage them to the core. The time has come to play spies, until the young family can provide themselves with their own home.
Life with the husband's parents sometimes requires the young wife to have maximum tact and wisdom in life. Such qualities are not always present in a girl who has just begun to learn about the life of adults. However, love for her chosen one should make her a sensible person, so as not to jeopardize marriage with the desired partner in the future.
Living together with the wife's parents
A guy who has found the girl of his dreams can be seriously upset when he meets her mom. “I didn't grow a flower for that” sometimes becomes the verdict of a harsh mother-in-law, who categorically does not like her son-in-law.
There is a way out of any situation, so a wise man should plan his life with his wife's parents as follows:
- Respect and tact … Representatives of the stronger sex are just that when they can curb their emotions in relation to more mature people. Mother-in-law and father-in-law are people who gave life to their beloved woman, therefore they deserve respect for themselves. Being on a foreign territory, a man must understand all the precariousness of his position. In this case, it is not just unethical, but also unreasonable to be insolent to the real owners of the home. Better to make the conflict a joke.
- Household help … Any son-in-law who has no restrictions on physical activity is able to bring heavy bags from the store, fix the broken electrical wiring as far as possible. The wife's parents will appreciate the daughter's chosen one, who takes care of their well-being and comfort to the best of their ability.
- Respect for parents' privacy … If a man lives in a foreign territory, then you should forget about your habits in the form of noisy feasts and loud music. The older generation of the family may have their own passions, which should not be limited by their own hobbies and dubious pleasures. You should also dress according to family rules. Even the most beautiful young body can be embarrassing for the adult generation.
- Participation in family financial matters … Household trifles cease to be such when a list of necessary things is made to maintain order in the house. In addition, food does not appear randomly on the shelves of the refrigerator, as some negligent sons-in-law sometimes think. As far as possible, it is necessary to make a systematic contribution to the joint family budget in order to avoid further accusations of parasitism and dependence. It also does not hurt to immediately negotiate the amount that the young couple will be able to pay for utilities. Even if the parents are wealthy enough, this gesture will be appreciated.
How to live with your parents - watch the video:
Living in the same territory with the parents of a husband or wife is a serious test for a young family. Well-known psychologists advise against delaying this process for more than three months. In the unreality of acquiring your own home after the announced period, every effort must be made to ensure that the coexistence of the older generation with the newlyweds does not turn into a serious quarrel between them. If such accommodation has become a serious burden, you should find all the ways to rent your home. Perhaps the parents themselves will take the initiative and help with payment so as not to interfere with the young family.
