Where does children's jealousy come from and how it develops. How to know if a child is jealous. Ways to combat jealousy of a younger child, one of the parents, stepfather or stepmother. Childhood jealousy is a phenomenon familiar to almost everyone since childhood. Jealous behavior towards younger sisters or brothers, friends, one of the parents or grandparents is a manifestation of fear of not receiving the attention of the object of jealousy. First, we experience it ourselves, as children, then we face the problem with our children, as parents.
The mechanism of development of child jealousy
Jealousy is the fear of dislike. So the child is very afraid that an important person for him (in most cases, a mother) will give his love and attention not to him, but to someone else. Most often this happens when replenishing a family. And not necessarily at the expense of the second (third, etc.) child. No less jealousy can cause the appearance of a "new" dad or a "new" mom, if he was raised by one parent before. One way or another, but the appearance of a new family member disrupts the usual alignment of life. Including the life of a firstborn or a child who now has both parents. And it's not so much about changing the daily routine or everyday nuances. Most often, childish jealousy in a family develops as a result of a change in priorities - now our hero is not in the spotlight, he has a competitor.
And if the child is not prepared in advance for such a situation, his first reaction will be bewilderment. He cannot understand why the new family member is better than him, why so much attention is paid to him. The unresolved problem of adaptation to new conditions can transform bewilderment into rejection, which in turn will push the baby to a struggle for attention, which can manifest itself in different ways - from unconscious and harmless pranks to conscious disgusting behavior.
Important! If you do not present the child with a fact, but carry out preparatory work with him, the mechanism of childish jealousy may not start.
The reasons for the development of child jealousy
As already mentioned, children's jealousy can be multidirectional - towards a younger brother or sister, towards friends, towards mom or dad, towards relatives and even towards educators or teachers. The main thing that unites all objects of jealousy is an important role in the life of a jealous person. Therefore, the reasons for jealous behavior in children can be conditionally divided into 2 categories: external (independent of the child himself) and internal (formed taking into account the characteristics of character, upbringing, health status).
The external causes of child jealousy include all changes that occur in the life or the composition of the child's family, which displace his authority. It can be the birth of a baby, the beginning of a life together between a mother and a “new” dad, or, conversely, the appearance in a group or class of new students, in the company of new friends. More capable or brighter. If a child is very attached to his grandparents, the visit of other grandchildren can make him change his behavior.
It is very difficult for the baby to experience the appearance of new (half) brothers or sisters, when his mother or father creates a new family with a man who has his own children. And it's not a fact that this new object is really better and gets more attention. But it is difficult for a child to see and understand this himself.
Another external factor that has become more and more significant lately is work. It is very difficult for children to realize that parents devote much more time to this incomprehensible "work" than to them.
The main internal causes of childhood jealousy are as follows:
- Egocentrism … This position is typical for children under the age of 10-12, when they quite sincerely consider themselves the center of the Universe. Therefore, the child positions any “newcomer” in a family or company as a substitute for himself, expressing this with negative emotions and protests. He is not ready and does not want to share with someone the attention, love, authority that were previously reserved only for him.
- Responsiveness … Often, children react with jealous behavior to lack of attention, considering it an unfair attitude. In a family - when most of the child's requests are postponed or ignored due to employment (younger child, new relationships, work). His desires are postponed or not fulfilled at all, and he hears the words "wait", "later", "not now" more and more often. This causes fair indignation in him, because he is also worthy of attention. Situations in the company of friends, when the child is openly used, can also cause feelings of unfair treatment. For example, they are invited to play only because of toys or a bicycle, they pay attention only when he has a new toy. Or clothes, gadgets - if we are talking about schoolchildren.
- Unpreparedness for responsibility … This reason is more typical for a situation when a child becomes an older brother or older sister. The title of “seniority” is rarely perceived by children as a reward or privilege. Rather, as additional responsibilities and duties instead of the extra attention they need so much.
- Inability to express feelings … Children who do not know how to express feelings of love and affection in the usual ways (affectionate words, "hugs", etc.), use the technique for this: "Jealous - that means he loves." And, being alone or out of sight of parents (friends), they draw attention to themselves with resentment and defiant behavior.
- Increased anxiety … A child who doubts himself, that he is loved, that he is worthy of love, is in constant anxiety. In all events, the baby is looking for his own guilt: a brother was born, a friend did not go out for a walk, his grandmother did not come to visit, he will come up with a lot of explanations. Far from the truth, but necessarily associated with him, with his (imaginary) shortcomings. And here you need to remember that the child by itself will not become anxious - these are gaps in education. This can be caused by the ambiguity of the parents' requirements: for example, today curiosity is good and informative, tomorrow it is bad and annoying.
- Creation of competitive conditions … A certain tactic of parenting, when competition is created between children, can instill in a child a feeling of jealousy for a brother or sister. The first to eat the soup - to get the candy, the first to put away the toys - to go for a walk outside, the first to learn the lessons - you can watch a cartoon or play on the computer, etc. Or the opposite approach: he didn't eat the soup - he was left without sweets, he didn't put away the toys - he was left without them, etc. This designation of one child as “good” in any way gives the other the status of “bad”. And it breaks the relationship between children. Sometimes for life.
- Feeling helpless … It happens that the roots of childhood jealousy grow from the simple feeling that the child is unable to influence the situation. He looks at his competitor (new friend, new dad or mom, little brother or sister, cousin or sister) and cannot understand why he is better. At the same time, he cannot substantiate this and somehow influence the choice of a person who is important to him. He feels powerless and therefore angry. Due to the same egocentrism, not realizing that love can be different - for children, for soul mates, for parents, for friends, and therefore - independent and completely compatible.
The main signs of childhood jealousy
The manifestations of a zealous attitude towards the object of their love in children largely depend on the strength of this very love, personality traits and the parents' reaction to this. Therefore, they will not necessarily be stormy and defiant. The child can experience everything deep inside. That is, the signs of childhood jealousy can be divided into explicit and hidden.
The obvious manifestations of jealousy in children include the following behavioral reactions:
- Aggressiveness … The most common form of expressing one's "passionate" feelings for a competitor. This can be a physical impact (if it concerns the "child" category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take something away. In general, it hurts. Or emotional pressure - insults, teasing, name-calling, the desire to stipulate, persuade to do something bad, substitute. Or both methods together.
- Hyperactivity … The excessive activity of the child, which has not been observed before, should also alert vigilant parents. The pet shifted from the pedestal changes the tactics of its behavior in the form of compensation for the feeling of uselessness. At the same time, the newly-made "zinger" not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses food, daytime sleep, recently favorite activities (walks, toys, meeting friends or family, playing with a pet, etc.). He is moody and cannot concentrate on one lesson.
- Neurotic reactions … In very sensitive children, the response to jealousy about changing their status in the family or company may not be behavior, but the reaction of the nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.
The following signs indicate that the child is experiencing jealous feelings in himself:
- Anxiety … Negative, resentment, and misunderstanding, accumulated and restrained inside, still burst out, despite the outwardly calm child. These can be sleep problems - restless, interrupted sleep, difficulty waking up or getting up. The digestive system can also react - poor appetite, digestive disorders, a change in taste preferences. The psyche is also connected, returning old fears and inventing new ones. School performance may also suffer.
- Change of mood … A clear sign that a child is experiencing a stressful situation is a change in his emotional behavior. If a previously cheerful and active baby suddenly became sad, passive and whiny, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention.
- Avoiding independence … Very often, older children begin to consciously “unlearn” and “not be able” to do what they did on their own before a new family member appeared. A childish idea of the world tells him that if he becomes like a baby to whom his mother now pays so much attention, then she will devote the same amount of time to him.
- Deterioration of health … Internal experiences can also affect the health of the child - he can often get colds or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases for no apparent reason. Or he can use simulation or trauma to gain attention.
Important! A child's jealousy is his emotions, experiences that he can take with him into adulthood, thereby greatly complicating it. Therefore, it should not go unnoticed.
How to deal with childhood jealousy
The most effective method to bring a child back “to the family” is to restore his confidence that he is still needed and loved. This can be done in a variety of ways, depending on why he is jealous and how he demonstrates it.
How to deal with childhood jealousy of a younger child
If the reason for the change in the child's behavior is the birth of a baby, try to remedy the situation using the following methods:
- Prophylaxis … So that children's jealousy at the birth of a second child is minimal or does not arise at all, you can use the method of preparing the first child for replenishment in the family. To do this, initiate him into the mysteries of the development of the future baby (without fanaticism), let him stroke his stomach, listen to how he pushes, talk to him. Patiently explain why a pregnant mother can no longer play so actively and take her first child in her arms. Show your child his photos and videos when he was still a toddler. Try not to target the older one with the fact that the younger one will be much more fun for him. Children have a poorly developed concept of time - it is difficult for them to realize what will happen someday. Therefore, a helpless baby born can become a disappointment for an older brother or sister who counted on a full-fledged play partner. To avoid such a reaction, tell the first-born that he was also small, did not know how to do anything, but eventually learned. But he did not have such a good older brother (sister) who would help him learn everything faster and more fun. Invite or visit a family where there is already a baby - let the child see for himself how touching and funny he is. Pay special attention to preparing the first child for the fact that the mother will be absent for several days (for the period of stay in the hospital).
- Communication quality … Naturally, with the birth of a baby, neither father nor mother will be able to devote the same amount of time to the firstborn as was given to him before. So try to translate quantity into quality. To cope with childhood jealousy, set aside a certain time period - "the time of an older child", when nothing and no one will interfere with your communication. Let it be half an hour a day, but all this time mom will only be with him. That is, make it a ritual. It is better if this time is before bedtime - during this period children are more receptive and open. Communication at this time should be as pleasant and confidential as possible. It can be built in different ways: it can be a fairy tale, reading books or a discussion of the past day. In the latter case, make it a rule not to compare the behavior of the elder with other children, especially with the younger. Help analyze his behavior, find the best ways to resolve certain situations. Maintain your daily routine and existing rituals as much as possible.
- A real look at the role of an older child … The main task of parents is to make an assistant out of the firstborn, not a nanny. This is especially true for children with a small age difference. Therefore, involve a senior to help in caring for the baby adequately, taking into account his real capabilities and desire. Entrust him with little things that are insignificant for you (choose socks or a hat for a walk, ride a stroller a little, shake a rattle, bring a bottle, etc.), presenting them to him with a very important task, which you cannot cope with without his help. And be sure to encourage for initiative and help, so that the firstborn feels important and needed.
- Ability to listen and explain … Take time to listen carefully to the firstborn and his feelings about the situation. Communicate to him that you see what is happening to him, and understand why. If the child does not make contact, you can use the method of active listening. That is, speak all his feelings out loud. Even if he still does not speak, he will hear you and be aware of the sensations you voiced. Using the same method, channel his feelings in the right direction - the parents still love and appreciate him, no matter what.
- Benefits of "seniority" … Remind that the firstborn has certain responsibilities to its younger brother or sister, but also benefits. For example, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, playing on the computer, running, jumping, etc. Just do not overdo it, so as not to get the opposite result. In the presence of the first-born, try to talk about the baby not as about your son (daughter), but exactly as about his brother (sister), aiming at how good he (she) is (good). So the older child will gradually develop a sense of pride that he has a super-brother or sister. And that means he, too, is super.
- Suppression of aggression … Monitor the behavior of both children, not allowing to offend each other. It is especially important not to give a discount to the younger because of his age - he also needs to be explained that it is not good to offend the older one. Don't punish or reward one child at the expense of another - find compromises. Then the children will not compete with each other and will learn to sincerely rejoice at each other's successes.
How to deal with childhood jealousy of one of the parents
Often, jealous behavior is manifested in relation to mom or dad, even without the appearance of a brother or sister. In this case, the child is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad, or vice versa.
Here are some ways to react to childhood jealousy of a parent:
- Belief … Try to explain to your child that love for him and love for husband (wife) are different feelings. They do not replace each other and can coexist perfectly. And you have enough love and attention for everyone.
- Compromise … If the child is aggressive or naughty when you pay attention to your spouse, do not remove your husband. Don't let the child understand that he is more important. In the family, everyone is equal and everyone equally deserves love and a good relationship. Try to involve the jealous person in joint actions: the husband wants to kiss you, and the child, seeing this, is hysterical - offer to kiss you together; if you want to lie with your husband together on the couch, and the baby is desperately climbing between you - let him in with joy and watch a cartoon together or read a book. Connect your dad to the process - let him remind you in moments of childish jealousy that he loves both mom and child.
- Abstraction … In a situation where no persuasion and tricks work, and the child cannot calm down, create a comfort zone for him. Walk up to him, hug, kiss, play with him. If necessary, take them to another room. And only when you see that the emotional position of the baby has changed, you can carefully talk to him about what happened.
How to deal with childhood jealousy of a new dad or mom
A new family member of a different kind - the new husband of the mother or the new wife of the father - can become the subject of children's discontent. And often the infusion of a new person into a child's usual environment is far from painless.
To mitigate it, use a few psychological tricks:
- Preparation … It is necessary to prepare the child not only for the appearance of the youngest child, but also for the fact that a new adult will live with him. To do this, they need to give time to learn and get used to each other. The best way to do this is by organizing periodic meetings. First, on your territory with a mandatory warning about this child. Then, when your child gets used to the new dad, you can expand the area of communication by going to the park, circus, cinema, skating rink or outdoor recreation. A very effective tactical step during such an event would be to leave the future stepfather and child alone for a few minutes. That is, give them the opportunity to communicate without an intermediary and gain more trust. The next stage will be partial relocation, when a man sometimes stays overnight after a day spent with you and your child. And only after that, if the child does not mind or even proposes it himself, invite your man to live with you on permanent terms.
- Authority … Even if your child is prepared and accepted a new chosen one, this is not a reason to "relax", especially if you have a boy. Although girls are also not very easy to accept the replacement of their own mother. Now, for a new husband or wife, the main thing should be gaining authority with your child. And this should not be unquestioning obedience only by age gradation - children should obey adults. Dad or mom are not just adults. This is above - an authority, a role model. To achieve such a "title" in the eyes of a foster child, you need a little: fulfill the promise, be able to explain the cause-and-effect relationships of certain actions, adhere to the introduced rules, be sincerely interested in his life, experiences, hobbies, be able to support him even in case of failures and blunders.
- Neutrality … Make it a rule not to interfere with the feelings of the child in relation to the new chosen one. Convince him that the new dad is not taking anyone's place - he will have it. And he is needed not only for you, but also for your child, because he can become a good friend, protector, helper. And you have enough time for everyone. But do not ignore the situations when the child tries to point out the stepfather is wrong. Understand, but neutral, not taking sides.
- Communication … No matter how much a wave of new feelings overwhelms you, do not leave the child alone. Try to pay attention to your new husband or wife without harming him. Until the situation in the family stabilizes, the baby takes very hard on your attempts to retire, especially outside the home. He perceives this as detachment and considers himself superfluous, unnecessary. And in this case, one should not expect much love for his stepfather.
Important! No matter how carried away you are with a new relationship, you must not forget about motherhood. Now you are not just a woman, but a mother. And this is primary. How to deal with childhood jealousy - watch the video:
[media = https://www.youtube.com/watch? v = 1ikOtb1TGto] Childhood jealousy is an illustration of the fear of losing your world full of love and attention. You cannot ignore it - you need to fight it. But most importantly, you need to notice it and choose the right way to solve the problem so that your child grows up a happy and self-confident person.
